So Chic, Very Chic: High Body Count Chanel

“People liking same sex (gay), weather change, mother against daughter, father against son.”

I find myself repeating this hymnal instead like a curse. All about Penn Station, like rats let loose in the Eataly trash bins, scurry New Yorkers and tourists alike. Shopping bags and Aldo winter accessories separate the masses, as does the train etiquette. On the Queen-bound G train, I passively watch an Instagram reel over the shoulder of what could only be a gay guy. The caption read: “Paige DeSorbo’s most iconic moments.” It chills me to the bone, unlike the weather, which has been unusually warm enough years in a row that pointing it out has become quite usual — banal, even.

What to say about a thoroughly seasonally unseasonable time for season’s greetings? I’m warm under my jacket, too warm, and order an iced coffee at the coffee shop where Euphoria High students type into powerpoint presentations about market research. I stuff my gloves into a purse already stuffed with a scarf, and sit near a man and his two dogs in shorts and a tank top. The dogs are not in shorts and tank tops, but they are terriers, which carry themselves with the energy of men in shorts and tank tops. My friends bounce about plans for taking care of each other’s cats while we’re away for the holidays. I’m googling questions about snow tires, laughable in the winter heat, and politely ignoring publicist’s inquiries. The seasons may have compressed into the mysterious sludge that lingers on the sidewalks around Basement, but I plan on bravely defying the change by holding steadfast to “circling back in the new year.” We all take a stand in our own way, amidst the hopelessness.

At least one thing hasn’t changed, and that’s Bravo’s holiday schedule, which puts these shows off for the next two weeks. As such, I’ve staggered this week’s column. Expect more Salt Lake City, New York City, and Beverly Hills fashions on Boxing Day! (I’m dating a Canadian, and apparently the British made up a holiday for after Christmas. They tend to make stuff up, if history is anything to go by.)

Married to Medicine

Quad Webb

I’m happy to see that Quad is back after the women tried to run her out of town last season. She’s a necessary component of the engine that makes this show chug along, whether anyone wants to admit it to themselves, and her commentary lights up the screen in ways matched only by Toya.

That said, we’ve seen variations of this dress on numerous housewives this year. Tiny little Versace adjacent numbers I’m never really mad at, because they’re tiny little Versace numbers. That said, she overcommits to statement jewelry in a way only rivaled by Countess Luann or Mary Cosby. It’s just too much! I’d like to look at something other than the gold rhinestone choker I lost at Badlands in 2016 after slipping on my friend’s spilled Fiireball shots.

Dr. Simone

Diesel! Dr. Simone is wearing Diesel underneath her lab coat! It’s quite the juxtaposition, with that braid in her hair and fake doctor’s office lobby behind her. While gimmicky, I love that the cast has stuck true to the divide between lab coats and civilian clothes in the confessional booth. Quad shows up in minidresses, and Dr. Simone shows up in white, except for the little peak of ready-to-wear beneath the lapels. The additional accessorizing and glam only deepens the farce of their self-imposed hierarchy.

Toya Bush-Harris

Back to the civilians on the cast, Toya’s still in her trendy titty tops. A plot point this episode concerned her opinions of her castmates' fashion sensibilities for a themed Beyoncé dress-up party, which was funny because she delivered her reads in that intestinal-pink number with her underboob hanging out.

Hypocrisy aside, the magenta top with the rich purple skirt is the best she’s looked in some time. The earrings are severe, slightly weird and add to the severe quality of the look. Mind you, she’s not one who’s closet I’d ever describe as severe, normally. This is high praise, should she check her tags on Instagram!

The Real Housewives of Potomac

Keiarna Stewart

Acne Studios! On The Real Housewives of Potomac! Kudos, Keiarna. I actually was familiar with your game. She popped up in the confessionals this week wearing an Acne top that fashion students might describe as “soft sculpture.” Normally, an outfit this dramatic is reserved for the Grand Dame, but readers might remember I clocked Keiarna’s fashion acumen last season during the cast trip, when she waltzed into the confessional booth wearing Area. It’s a welcome reprieve from the horrors Mia Thornton and Ashley Darby inflict on us, although I’m mostly curious about whether it’s been sourced from a stylist or her own ambitions and medspa earnings.

Stacey Rusch

On the complete opposite end of the fashion spectrum is Stacey Rusch, who showed up in classic pageant drag. I’m not kidding! Signature Dresses, the designer, regularly posts pageant contestants they’ve designed for on their Instagram.

Now, longtime readers will know I prefer to meet cast members where they are, instead of imposing my own fashion ideologies onto them. Personal style is, after all, personal. The dress is excellent, on that same note, and fits her impeccably. She’s moisturized, stoned and highly successful ... at showcasing the delightfully odd pre-divorce situationship she’s trapped herself in. While not the most imaginative bustier I’ve ever seen, something leads me to believe she wasn’t hoping for imagination. She was hoping for something to wear when she accepts her prize winnings for Miss Baltimore: a tiara, a $100 Chili’s gift card and an embroidered sash sponsored by the local car dealership kingpin.

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Angie Katsanevas

The context of this scene is heartbreaking. Mary finally opens up about her son’s battle with addiction, and the torment she’s put herself through wracking her soul for what she did wrong as a mother. Angie, likewise, is also a mother. As such, she wore a sensible blue co-ord set with a prominent updo and a large Chanel brooch. Demure, soft and exquisitely rich. The look of shock in her heavily-lined eyes adds to the drama of the moment, lifting it up out of the Bravo lineup and into the pantheon of Pedro Almodovar movies.

Lisa Barlow

Enter Lisa Barlow, whose loud proclamations about “bridge and tunnel” fashion last week was hilariously ironic, considering what her closet is stuffed with. She probably tramped around Farfetch for this Ilkyaz Ozel dress, which fits her terribly. In conjunction with the bold lip and off-putting color, she might as well be Bronwyn’s sad clown assistant in their carnival of sad clown fashions — another small irony considering their competitive pecking order.

Whitney Rose

Very few Real Housewives are reliable these days, like Buicks or blenders manufactured before we were born. Even fewer are as reliable as Whitney, whose steadfast commitment to outrageous statement fashions could win her a local election. This Project Runway wedding makeover challenge dress would have sent Michael Kors to the hospital a decade ago, and might still kill him now. What the intended effect is, we’ll never know. What her style could be described as evades conventional wisdom. Who she wants to be in this world is a mystery Rian Johnson might write a Netflix detective movie about.

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal