Like sands through the hourglass, so is each passing Coachella of our time. Though there was, as per, some shockingly poorly dressed people (everyone needs to take a deep breath and remove three to four accessories) there were those that were frankly inspirational. However, among all the celebrities trying their best to out-stunt each other during the three-day boho fashion showcase, there can only be one Coachella Queen.
Let's review.
Rita Ora
History: Rita is a Coachella main stayer, perhaps because she often doesn't always have a lot going on. Her and "Chel Chel" appear to date back to 2013, when she wore this whole situation.
Look: Ora here is giving us "Do you even Coachella?" and it's a lot. There is of course, the obligatory suede and a lot of tassels (props to anyone that did not don a tassel, lace or a scrap of crochet this weekend). I'm not loving the mixture of eras (60s cap, 70s jacket and skirt, naughties sunglasses) but I am certainly here for those boots. Unfortunately, there is just too much happening right here and it's an all-round no, dawg. Lose just one item, Rita, just one. She did, however, redeem herself with this look, accessorized with a sweaty Jeremy Scott. Bless
Did she hang with famous people? Sort of, in a polite-nod-while-crossing-paths-at-the-pool, kind of way. Wouldn't venture to say A-List, though.
How many times did she gram something Coachella-related? Only four posts. Not enough commitment.
Has she ever worn a flower crown? No, but there was this monstrosity, so.
Has she been deemed click-y enough for a Just Jared celebrity lineup headline?Yes, but so was Tinashe so, make of that what you will.
On a scale of one to Queen of Coachella: 6.5.
Katy Perry
History: Where to even begin, Katy Perry's Coachella residency spans the life of a sickly house cat and yet she forever remains a pre-teen chameleon who hasn't found her style niche.
Look: Do you mean ~lewk~? I thought so. Katy oft catches onto trends two minutes too late rather than setting them. A severe drag, perhaps, but unfortunately true. I'm not sure what this Moschino shiny-pant-metallic-sports-bra-fur-crop is saying, but certainly not anything cohesive. Mind you, she take the cake for ~ extra ~.
Did she hang with famous people? She hosted parties, so one must assume.
How many times did she gram something Coachella-related? Three times. Just not enough.
Has she ever worn a flower crown? This is Katy Perry. Of course she has.
Has she been deemed click-y enough for a Just Jared celebrity lineup headline? Yes! And then some!
On a scale of one to Queen of Coachella: 8.5. Strong.
Kylie Jenner
History: Sweet 2014 was Kylie's Coachella debut when she was sweet 16, how times have changed.
Look: Since she discovered the body of a grow-your-own girlfriend woman overnight, Kylie has been all about the body-con. I'm not mad at it, especially when paired with a plethora of great wigs. This snakeskin situation was particularly divisive in the PAPER office (the premier retail outlet Fashion Nova was thrown around) but it's an overall yes from me. Then there was this dialed-down Gia Carangi look, also a fan.
Did she hang with famous people? All she needs to do is spend time with any one of her siblings and that's a wrap.
How many times did she gram something Coachella-related? A whopping 11 times. I am a happy chappy.
Has she ever worn a flower crown? Kylie was never going to be above the flower crown.
Has she been deemed click-y enough for a Just Jared celebrity lineup headline? Oui, plus extra points for dating rumors.
On a scale of one to Queen of Coachella: 9.6. Her best Coachella to date.
Vanessa Hudgens
History: Vanessa Hudgens was planning her Coachella outfits in the womb.
Look: The cap, the minidress, the pout. The awful 2012 booties. It's all what has made Vanessa the queen of Coachella time and time again. Bless her soul, she is your basic California girl that likely sends her friends filtered snapchats with no caption. When Vanessa retires her peace sign jewelry, we will know the end of the world is truly nigh.
Did she hang with famous people? She tries.
How many times did she gram something Coachella-related? 10 sweet times.
Has she ever worn a flower crown? GOOD LORD YES.
Has she been deemed click-y enough for a Just Jared celebrity lineup headline? She tries.
On a scale of one to Queen of Coachella: Look, it's just going to have to be a 7.5. While Vanessa has forever been as Coachella as it gets, it's time for us – and her – to move on.
Paris Hilton
History: This year marked a decade since Paris Hilton first attended Coachella. A decade folks, a freaking decáde. Happy anniversary Pari.
Look: Let me break this down, not only is Paris Hilton still at it with the flower crown, she is wearing lace riding gloves. Lace. Riding. Gloves. And gown. Black tie gown in desert. I can't even begin...I can't. Shook.
Did she hang with famous people? She doesn't need to, she has her dogs.
How many times did she gram something Coachella-related? Five grams, each with their own slideshow of angles.
Has she ever worn a flower crown? Haha.
Has she been deemed click-y enough for a Just Jared celebrity lineup headline? Don't even.
On a scale of one to Queen of Coachella: With a heavy heart, I say 9.5. Still, #slay.
Rihanna
Head to toe Gucci. Rihanna. It's a 9.96.
Alessandra Ambrosio
History: You may not know this but Alessandra is knee deep in Coachella. Like tan leather knee boot deep. So deep. Like has her own jewelry range inspired by Coachella deep. This was her seventh year at Coachella.
Look: Alessandra always goes full Forever21 Woodstock and no one's complaining.
Did she hang with famous people? You know, Victoria's Secret angels and the like.
How many times did she gram something Coachella-related? 21 TIMES. 21.
Has she ever worn a flower crown? Claro.
Has she been deemed click-y enough for a Just Jared celebrity lineup headline? HER DAUGHTER IS EVEN CLICK-Y ENOUGH?!?!?
On a scale of one to Queen of Coachella: She's up there. A nine for Alessandra.
PAPER-anointed queen of Coachella: Rihanna.
Indisputable. Royalty. Thank you for your patience, thank you Coachella for all of the times.
Images via Getty, Instagram, Joe Schildhorn/ BFA.com