Quarantine Diaries: Greta Titelman
It's Nice to Laugh

Quarantine Diaries: Greta Titelman

Intro by Abby Schreiber / Illustrations by Taylor Roberts

While playing Ambassador Gibbons in HBO's Los Espookys, Greta Titelman and the crew hole up in Santiago, Chile where they film the show. But these days, like the rest of us, the actress, writer and comedian is sheltering in place at home in LA. For those waiting for Los Espookys' season two (whose production was interrupted because of the coronavirus), you can watch Greta in an episode of Shrill on Hulu and hear her on her podcast, The Worst, where she gets deep with guests like Patti Harrison, John Early, Mary Beth Barone and more on the worst moment of their lives.

6:47 AM

Jolt up, gasping for air and sweating from a terrible dream... knowing fully well it happened because I watched Ozark before bed.

7:30 — 8:00 AM

Wake up, this time for good. Grab my phone, immediately look at Instagram, Twitter and TikTok because I have officially retreated back to being 15.

6:48 AM

Realize I'm topless... Smell myself... Why do I smell like garlic? Put the top back on and try to fall back asleep.

8:00 — 8:03 AM

I declare to fiancé that I am grumpy.

8:03 — 9:15 AM

Fiance gives me coffee and I become slightly less grumpy. I drink just enough coffee that I sweat profusely but not so much that I have heart palpitations. Once my eye starts to twitch I know we've hit the sweet spot (anywhere from two to 187 cups).

8:15 — 10:00 AM

Make a playlist for the "workout" class I teach on my Instagram live and hem and haw over which Ying Yang Twins song is better (they sound exactly the same) and which house remix of Dave Matthews slaps harder.

10:00 — 10:30 AM

MATCHA DANCE! I dance around my house like a mad woman while screaming at everyone to work their juicy asses.

10:30 — 11:00 AM 

Cry watching a slew of Youtube videos that have to do with old people, babies, animals, baked goods, Guy Fieri, Yolanda Hadid's food diary, and Jessica Alba's sweet relationship with her children etc...

11:00 — 11:02 AM

Consider putting on a bra with underwire.

11:02 — 11:20 AM

Get distracted staring at the pile of clothes sitting on the bench at the foot of my bed. Decide I need to write a comprehensive list of everything I need to get done in the day BEFORE i actually just do it and if I don't write "clean the pile" on a list then it simply won't be satisfying! The coffee is officially hitting.

11:20 — 11:33 AM

Spiral about my inability to just put things away and wonder what happened to me in my childhood to make me this way.

11:33 — 12:07 PM

Get sucked out of a spiral by watching DIY TikToks of a 16-year-old who is transforming her family's tool shed into her "she shed" for her friends. Shed a tear about the beauty of good parenting.

12:07 — 1:45 PM

Go for my daily walk and call all of my friends until one of them picks up. Get into an esoteric conversation about living through this time, and how it is a paradigm shift we are all watching happen in real time.

1:45 — 2:05 PM

Feel inspired post-walk and sit at my computer to write "my Fleabag." But The Daily Mail tab is still open on my computer and now I'm looking at the new photos of Ben Affleck and Ana De Armas... How many walks do they go on a day? Who is calling the paparazzi? Reflect on Ben Affleck's rising phoenix back tattoo. Send peace, blessings and abundance to Jennifer Garner.

12:05 — 2:11 PM

Consider masturbating. Get out my vibrator while fiancé is on a Zoom meeting in the other room. Right when I turn it on I get bombarded with a FaceTime which I have no excuse to ignore but do.

2:11 — 2:15 PM

Try and resume masturbating but then remember the world.

2:15-2:40 PM

After unsuccessful masturbation, I do the next best thing and fill a shopping cart on Moda Operandi with insanely priced resort wear and justify my need to purchase... suede fuchsia lace up platforms! They are practical and will go with everything!

2:40 — 3:00 PM

No more funny business. It's time to get to work. I open up the thing I've been writing and read, and reread, the same sentence for 20 minutes.

3:00 — 3:30 PM

I'm hungry! Open the fridge, decide to make myself some slop of whatever is left over... I settle on something green, and something I can put "Everything But The Bagel Seasoning" on.

3:30 — 3:37 PM

Contemplate dyeing my hair pink for the 235th time this week...

3:37 — 3:59 PM

Spiral about how dying my hair pink would make or break my career. What even is my career? Career... career... who invented that word?

3:59 — 4:00 PM

Continue reading Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis, a book that I am somehow only 45 pages in but have recommended to EVERYONE.

4:00 — 5:00 PM

Decide that after all of my hard work, I deserve to put on Law and Order SVU and paint a watercolor. After all, if I do not end quarantine with a cult following for my terrible yet charming watercolors of sunsets and portraits of friends, then what have I been doing?!

5:00 PM

Finally I can drink.

5:01-5:05 PM

Should I have a drink?

5:05 — 5:07 PM

Pour myself said drink.

5:07 — 5:30 PM

Look at the sun and laugh into the abyss. Citrus trees are amazing. What day is it? Announce to fiancé I am happy.

5:30 PM

Ask fiancé for the 400th time what he wants for dinner and realize the only food I know anymore is pasta. Pasta... what a funny word... I think if I were pasta I'd want to be chic like angel hair.

5:30 — 6:15 PM

Make dinner and remember the last time I made baked ziti, I was in high school, the night my boyfriend took me to the ballet. I fondly remember that I fulfilled my Save The Last Dance fantasy of storming out of the ballet, covered in tears. WAIT... Why hasn't a single ex checked in to see if I'm ok??

6:15 — 7:00 PM

Eat dinner and talk with fiancé about wanting to go to Hawaii and how I basically have the same exact work ethic as Michael Jordan, as well as the slew of other female performers that didn't make it big until their thirties.

7:00 — 7:21 PM

The final spiral of the day! This time, about the future! Is it September?

7:22 PM

Remembering I bought myself pink suede shoes so at least that is something to look forward to.

7:22 — 9:00 PM

Watch a light-hearted comedy with fiancé in bed.

9:00 — 9:30 PM

Put a pound of lotion on my face while FaceTiming my sister. We decide we should buy wax online to wax each other's armpits over the weekend.

9:25 — 9:30 PM

Get in bed and contemplate which weed/ CBD product to consume to help me sleep. I love the weed edibles because it's an excuse to eat candy but CBD feels more responsible??

9:30 — 1:00 AM

Take CBD. Fiancé is sound asleep. CBD isn't doing shit. I'm restless and do what I know I 1000% shouldn't do... watch Ozark.

1:00 — 3:00 AM

Wake up every 15 minutes or so thinking someone is in the house. Decide I'm going to dye my hair pink tomorrow and make tuna salad.

3:00 — 6:47 AM 

Sleep like a baby

Illustration: Taylor Roberts