What's the Most Important Thing We Need to Know About Butts?

What's the Most Important Thing We Need to Know About Butts?

by Shelby Sells

We can all agree we live in a generation that is obsessed with butts. Pop culture has conditioned us to celebrate the behind with reality TV icons like the Kardashians and even earlier movements like Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" (famously remixed by Nicki Minaj). With butts holding so much currency in our society, why is there so little information available about how to build and maintain a top-shelf booty? Why are we still so afraid of something that is so outwardly enjoyed? It doesn't make sense that people could be so obsessed with butts and still so weird about its functions. What better way to squash a stigma than with education?

On August 21, I attended an event call BUTT-CON, an interactive convention for the "like-behinded" that aimed to educate, celebrate and gyrate everyone's greatest ass-et. Presented by TUSHY, a bidet company that is continuously growing in popularity, the inaugural butt-stuff convention shined a light on "hole" body health. "Butts are simultaneously one of the most coveted sexual objects and our tool for dispensing the most socially-disgusting, but necessary, bodily function. Yet talking about the rear is still taboo," said Miki Agrawal, founder of TUSHY (and former CEO of Thinx). "When we consider the health issues, sky-high bathroom bills and environmental impact associated with the way we clean ourselves down there, it's clear that we need to revolutionize the way we talk about butt health."

BUTT-CON did a great job of bringing the health of our backsides to the forefront of the conversation, while still facilitating all the fun and beauty of butts. PAPER spoke to some of the talented individuals that were on the BUTT-CON roster to recap everything we need to know about butts: a Butt Guide, if you will. These curated professionals collectively provided the insight we all need to fully embrace our lovely lower regions, when we asked them: what's the most important thing we need to know about butts?

Miki Agrawal, (Founder of TUSHY):

The nether region of our bodies is incredibly important and useful and we need to stop neglecting that part of our body and start really caring for it. It's the part of the body that feels the most pleasure (including the front part too); it's the part that excretes all that our body does not need and it's the part that creates babies. It's time we stopped wiping that area with dry, bleached, tree-killing expensive paper and start washing with the universal washing solvent: water.

Dr. Rita Linker (Cosmetic Butt Dermatologist):

It's important to think of the butt as similar to the face, because as your face ages you lose muscle, fat, and bone and as your body ages essentially the exact same thing happens. Butts become less pouty and they begin to droop because they lose volume. After having two kids, my butt had a lot of stretch marks that I wanted to tackle. What worked best for me was an injectable called Sculptra. Sculptra is a lot of water with lactic acid diluted into it. When it's injected into the buttox it stimulates the gluteus maximus muscle to build in new collagen. It's a natural way to plump and rebuild a lot of that muscle that's lost as we grow up.

Asa Akira (Award-winning Adult Entertainer):

I feel like anal sex hurts the first 20 times, and if you can just power through those 20, it gets really good. Stay focused, keep your eyes on the prize. I think a lot of anxiety around anal sex comes from worrying about if you'll be clean or if it'll get messy; basically how to not shit on your partner. The first step is understanding that anyone who's going to fuck your asshole with whatever (penis, hand, toy) is an adult and knows that whatever comes with entering the asshole comes the risk of poop. It's not a mystery.

Jorge Cruise, (Celebrity Trainer and NY Times Best-selling Author):

In Hollywood, your butt is important, so people actively work on it. There's many types of workouts you can do, but I specialize in Booty Burns. People don't realize that booty health, exercise, and strength of the gluteus maximus helps protect the back. I don't care if you're in your 20s, 30s, 50s, or 70s, the ass and abs protect your body from back issues. The easiest thing to do for a beautiful booty is stand up, chest out and shoulders back, push the booty out, and then what I want you to do is look down at your toes and sit deep into a chair. You squat down and hold for 2-3 minutes and try to do 20 a day. Make sure you can see your toes and that your knees aren't in the way. You can change your booty in as little as four weeks if you do this!

Hatti Wiener, (The "Original Cougar"):

I feel that the most important thing is to make sure that your butt does not smell like shit. I clean guys' butts because I'm a cougar and my nose is going to go where his isn't [laughs] because if his nose gets near me he's going to think there's a flower garden down there. Here's my trick. I have organic bamboo baby wipes and if you put a tiny bit of diluted aromatherapy oil (can dilute with olive oil) on it you will not only smell good, but you will get rid of unwanted bacteria.

Tracy Piper, (Colonist to the Stars):

That it is the end of the digestive tract and since we clean the beginning of the digestive tract (the mouth) which we clean twice daily (and go to the dentist to make sure it's clean and no infections, etc,) we should take care of the end (the butt) the same way and irrigate it the same way, with enemas and colonics. The benefits for the colonic is a colonoscopy hydrates, activates and evaluates the bowels. Many people do not have regular bowel habits and so may only go to the bathroom once a day, once a week and even once every 10 days. This is not normal and colonics help get bowel movements regular again. Nothing cleans our digestive tract better than water.

Photography: Gaby Deimeke