Lohan's Beach Club episode two begins with the most comprehensive video recap ever. At least three minutes of re-introductions to the cast. Then the intro credits roll — in keeping with the show's inexplicable beachy business gal concept, its theme is Lohan's tragically overlooked 2008 single "Bossy." (Chorus: "I'm just a little bossy").
Even after the official recap reel ends and the "Bossy" chorus has played out, Lindsay and Panos are still re-explaining how the show works: they're employing the services of horny American millennials to help expand their Grecian nightclub empire! "We hired people who are the best of the best," Lindsay says, wearing a striped sundress.
Now we're in the villa where the hosts live. It's one of those great "getting ready" montages that reality shows like this do. Jonitta is brushing her hair, Brent is blow-drying his. Prepping themselves for a big day of increasing Lohan brand awareness. Meanwhile Panos once again explains the extremely basic tasks that he expects the hosts to do: upsell clients to cabanas, get them cocktails, look cute.
"This is the chance of a lifetime, and they need to bring their A-game," Panos says. I hate that. What could anyone possibly gain from this experience except Instagram followers? A working visa for Greece, which has the European Union's highest unemployment rate?
"If they don't come here to work, that's it, they're gone," he adds. I would really like some clarity on whether or not people can actually get eliminated from this show. It is so competitive and yet has no cash prize or anything. The only reward is getting to hang out with Lindsay Lohan, who has allegedly left her 2009 party girl days behind and is now obsessed with being a #Girlboss.
Mike the bartender is speaking to the camera. "There's all this opportunity available, just from being here in Mykonos, it really makes me want to show Lindsay what I can do."
Now it's Aristotle talking. "I really feel like there's an opportunity here for a long term career."
I wish I could help them.
11AM at the club. B-roll of sexy beach people. Lindsay is talking about how much she hates the hosts, who unlike her have never known struggle or hardship. "I want to just understand why they even wanted to be a part of this, a part of my life, because at the end of the day it's my name [on the club]. If their intention is not to work hard, there are so many other people out there who would appreciate it so much more."
Each working day at Lohan's Beach Club begins with a beachside morning meeting led by Panos. He is always extremely critical. "Some of you are not on point sometimes, I have a little problem about it," he says.
Sad serious faces. Career longevity is at risk!
Oh no. Lindsay has brought along some craft materials. "I have an idea," she says. "We're all going to write out our intentions. What are your goals?"
Mike looks so annoyed that he has to do this. He came here to hook up with sexy Greek shipping heirs and maybe film a viral video of Lindsay Lohan dancing to one of her own songs! Not get spiritual.
The first person at the table to come up with an intention is this host who I swear wasn't in the first episode. His name does not come up on screen, so I cannot give it to you at this time. One of his goals is to "create more job opportunities for Greek people," which this show about importing fame-hungry Americans to work at a Mykonos beach club owned by Lindsay Lohan is absolutely, categorically, not going to do.
Nonetheless Panos is touched. He says this sentiment, as a Greek man, makes him very emotional.
Jules — she's the blonde — says her goal is to "grow the Lohan brand." I'm depressed.
Now Aristotle is speaking to the camera about his personal struggles for some reason. "I was the youngest of four kids. I'm a momma's boy."
Ugh, back to the meeting. We're still doing intentions. Lindsay looks like she is crying, maybe. But only a little.
"I hope they learn that they really need to treasure and value themselves more than anything else," she says. More than the Lohan brand, though? More than making money? I don't think so.
This scene is going for so long. Now Panos is reading out what Lindsay wrote for her intentions. She has the kind of demented handwriting you would expect. No need for me to describe: it's exactly what your brain is picturing. She wants to "make people happy, love and be loyal." But also be a boss bitch, right?
"BACK TO WORK," instructs Panos in his usual menacing way.
Jonitta and Jules are on camera describing the virtues of Lindsay. "She makes you feel so welcome," says Jules. "She really cares about her brand," says Jonitta.
Today's special business task is looking after a VIP client who is a fashion designer and definitely not a paid actor. We cut to him entering the beach club wearing an OTT hat, kind of like the one Samantha wore on that funeral episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte meets the guy with a dead wife.
"He's a big huge personality," says Panos.
So who is going to be in charge of looking after him? Aristotle and Brent have been chosen.
Brent starts bragging about how he can sell out the whole club in a couple of hours. Cut to Panos expressing concern that Brett "thinks he's the boss" and "better than everybody else."
As we learned in the last episode, such independent thinking is strictly outlawed here at Lohan Beach Club. The lowly workers must know their place in the hierarchy! Linds and Panos are the boss bitches and all uprisings will be forcefully crushed.
Pink-haired Gabi is on camera with the tea. "Brent sees himself, and I emphasize sees himself because no one else sees it, as the alpha." Then Brent is on camera literally describing himself as "the alpha male and the boss." He is disappointedly realizing that here at Lohan's Beach Club he isn't in charge, and is "just another face in the crowd." I'm going to send Brent a link to a Marxist podcast and see what happens.
Brent and Aristotle are off to attend to the needs of fancy fashion guy. His name is Lakis.
"The rest of you, make money," says Panos. "Let's go!"
Lakis the fashion designer is a true revelation. His hat is so big and floppy that he has to keep a hand on it at all times so it doesn't obscure his face. He needs hot towels, stat. He needs water for his tiny dogs, stat. He's wearing an insane and obviously fake gold beaded necklace.
"I just want Panos to look at me as someone who will do whatever it takes to make a client happy," says Aristotle. Right before, and I wish I was exaggerating here, bending down to wash Latis's feet with the hot towels.
Brent and Aristotle
Brent appears on camera saying he'd never degrade himself in this way. He's disgusted. "I'm done with helping Aristotle out," he says. Lindsay watches him walk away from the cabana in shock. "Is this really happening?" she asks. This is such confusingly and poorly manufactured drama. I'm unsure what the stakes are, if any.
Now Sara is on camera talking about how she has been single for two and a half years, and also how her parents had an arranged marriage. They're strict Muslims. It has been hard for her to meet a guy because her "only social life is her job." Brent is "a breath of fresh air."
Totally forgot they're trying to make Brent and Sara a thing.
But Sara has a dilemma. "I like the way he treats me, but I don't like the way he treats other people." Entirely valid concern from what we've seen of Brent so far.
Panos and Aristotle are having a private meeting about what went down with Brent and the foot washing. Panos is so thrilled that Aristotle is being a rat. They don't want the workers to be friends with each other or have unity of any kind — it's bad for business.
"Brent is being disrespectful," Aristotle whines.
"I'm angry about it," says Panos.
B-roll of the blue-haired DJ, who sadly doesn't seem to be a character in this show, dancing on the sand.
Billy, the guy whose name I couldn't remember before, is on camera. Hello, Billy. He is expressing interest in Sara! Brent's got competition!
Now Aristotle is complaining about Brent to Lindsay. She feigns shock.
Someone at MTV has been tasked with making Lindsay and Panos likeable, so we get a brief scene of them meeting a random baby. I'm not falling for this shit. These two are rotten to the core.
Back to the business talk. "You point them out to me, if anyone's not doing their job," Lindsay says to Panos. "Brent, I feel like he has his own agenda, and that really scares me," she adds.
Aristotle says something about how he'd do anything for his boss. Okay, we get it, you love feet.
Ooh. Now Sara and Billy are in the pool together. Cut to Brent looking sad 'bout it.
Sadly this romantic moment has nothing to do with business strategy, so we jump immediately to a new scene. Aristotle is running a lap around the pool naked. We appear to be playing truth or dare. One thing I will say about this show: I think people are genuinely drunk most of the time, as opposed to acting. And I am happy for them. It seems necessary.
Sara is back on camera, trying to choose between Brent and Billy, two of the most generic bros to ever wear tank tops. Brent "treats her like a queen" but Billy is more physically her type. It's hard. Now she is telling them this in person. Definitely this is how normal humans interact. These people have known each other two days, as Billy helpfully clarifies.
B-roll of an ominous blood red moon.
Some sweet girl talk between Sara, Jules, and Jonitta. They latter two say Brent will cheat on Sara and hook up with clients at the club. They don't trust him. They encourage her to play the field. "Go girl," says Jonitta. Yeah, go girl! As Linds would say, tearfully, "Boss bitch."
Brent decides he and Billy have to talk this thing out. The girls eavesdrop.
Brent, in the way of all insecure men, decides it will be best for his ego to pretend like he never liked Sara in the first place.
"You know what, you take her," he tells Billy. "We are in a house of all ugly girls." Wow! "I'm surrounded by twos. A five, maybe a six." He laughs to himself. Brent for the record is a zero, maybe 0.5.
What's amazing about Lohan's Beach Club is that the scripted villains are super obvious, and they always take things way too far. It is a totally uncomfortable and gross viewing experience to watch Brent degrade the women contestants like this — I'd rather be told he's a dick through his actions, not words. Where is the subtlety ?
Sara and Jules are overhearing this little chat, by the way. Sara interrupts. "You're really going to call us twos?" She calls Brent an asshole and Brent tries to backtrack.
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Sara tells the camera that Brent shouldn't be disrespecting her or any of the other girls in the house. We cut to Sara pouring a bottle of tequila on Brent's head. Girl power! Maybe corporate feminism is actually good. She and Jonitta leave the courtyard, holding hands in solidarity. Love this. All the girls congratulate her, and now they're all bonding in a bedroom.
In a touching moment, Sara appears on camera saying this is the first time all the girls have connected. "Everyone had my back, and it was girl gang versus Brent the douchebag."
We're now at what I guess must be Lindsay's house. She has some male friends over and they're cooking together. Fun footage of Lindsay gutting a fish.
"If Oprah could see me now!" says Linds. "Martha Stewart over here," comments one of the men. "I'm not Martha Stewart, I've already been to jail," she says. A line that is almost funny and almost makes sense.
Back to the host villa. It's midnight. Brent is chugging vodka in the kitchen. Then passing out in the lounge. Mike helps him throw up. MTV does not hold back with this: we get to see bright yellow-colored vomit. Billy is so smug about all this. He says he's still interested in Sara.
It is finally, finally the next day. Brent is hungover. The team are having their usual morning meeting with Panos, who is going off at Brent, who isn't having it. He brags about how he'd be a better manager than Panos.
Aristotle is back on camera talking about how much he loves to please the boss, which according to this show just about makes him the most virtuous person possible.
As we finally fade to credits, Panos is Facetiming with Lindsay, who I guess is at the fish market or something. He complains more about Brent. Why was the entire episode about Brent?
"Everybodee is replaceable," says Panos. His favorite catchphrase. The episode ends, but not before a sneak preview of Mike saying, "We're getting a new roommate."
Is this goodbye Brent? I somehow couldn't care less either way. See you next week!
Images courtesy MTV