As if we didn't need yet another reason to wish for the asteroid to just end it all, 2020 has bestowed upon us another new fresh hell in the form of the Brokini. What on earth is a Brokini? you may wonder, a feeling of morbid curiosity and dawning horror beginning to wash over you. So glad you asked!
The brainchild of two guys from Toronto, Chad Sasko and Taylor Field, the Brokini is — as you might suspect — a take on a bikini, but for guys who can't pull off a two-piece. A cross between one half of a wrestling singlet and a speedo, the very real swimsuit is thankfully just a tad more modest than the full body thong commonly known as a mankini, while still managing to be skimpy enough to leave little to the imagination.
Chaotic good to RompHim's lawful evil, the Brokini's saving grace is that it has at least a certain level of self-awareness about its ridiculousness. Currently available in a couple vibrant and whimsical prints, the Brokini is a statement piece for those that are not just secure in their masculinity, but have transcended antiquated gender norms altogether. (It's actually kind of feminist if you don't think about it too hard.)
If it was any other year but this one, perhaps we would have already seen Brokini's popping up on beaches and at music festivals across the country. Then again, the Brokini could actually be the perfect social distancing outfit because it's almost guaranteed that you won't have to worry about people coming within six feet of you.
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And while summer may be drawing to a close, we here at PAPER believe there is no such thing as a bad garment, only bad timing, so we've taken it upon ourselves to brainstorm 23 bespoke occasions in which you could wear a Brokini. No need to thank us, you're welcome.
1. Sacha Baron Cohen Fan Convention
2. A Fire Island Diplo concert
3. A Banana Hammocks Anonymous meeting
4. Filming Magic Mike 3
5. The Instagays inevitable and cringeworthy "WAP" parody
6. A poorly thought out "Thong Song" parody
7. A welcome distraction from the crushing realization that things will never truly "go back to normal"
9. Spicing up your next Zoom happy hour
10. OnlyFans 2021 Summer Runway Presentation
12. Getting the perfect tan line that just screams "confusing"
13. Eric Andre's "Totally Normal" Pool Party
14. The World's Most Socially Tense Weightlifting Competition
15. Joe Exotic's Bachelor Party
16. Winning her back (Cheryl, please... I swear I can change)
17. Realizing it's time to move on (Anyways, you're pretty much over her... Almost definitely... Basically 100%)
18. The Brodeo
19. The Annual Running of the Bros in Pamp-bro-na
20. Trying to come up with a third sports related 'Bro' pun
21. Dorian Electra Music Video Shoot
23. An extremely cursed reboot of Baywatch
Photo courtesy of Brokini