I Tried Trump.Dating So You Don't Have To

I Tried Trump.Dating So You Don't Have To

Looking for hot, single Trump supporters in your area? Trump.dating will "find you the America first partner of your dreams," as long as you are a straight, cisgender male or female. Maybe you're in the mood to troll some alt-right buffoons? Trump.dating can help with that, too. My first encounter with Trump.dating took place a few days ago, when the welcome page featured these beaming chums.

Today, however, we are greeted by a different white heterosexual couple. Why? Trump.dating's original cover boy, sporting a red Trump hat in the above image, has been convicted of child sex. This horror serves as an apt introduction to the shit-storm that is Trump.dating. Upon creating my profile, I was prompted to describe my body type. I suppose this is standard for dating websites, but the options seemed particularly MAGA-friendly — Petite, Tight & Toned, Muscular, Average, Few Extra Pounds, Plus Size/Curvy, Big & Beautiful, Big & Handsome — the eight body shapes looking for love in middle America.

I chose the username Snowflakecrushr because I like fitting in. My headline read, "Nothing but love and respect for my President," for the same reason. Unfortunately, you need a paid membership to chat with users, and I am not willing to pay $24.99 a month to troll. But lucky for me, I was able to browse their colorful selection of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes. Users like littlekidlover3 (presumably, hopefully, a tasteless troll), shadowloard, hot4ivanka, and wallofdeath filled my discover page. Some profiles were obviously fake, others were all too real.

Take bigharvey, for instance. I couldn't help but pity the "Big & Handsome" divorcee "looking for [his] little princess tulip." MrCantalopes just wants a "woman who's a little trashy and wants to steal a little piece of [his] sausage." Thisismycountry simply states, "We are the future, hilary in prison TRUMP TRUMPTTRUMP." Although I hoped that usernames like BossyBottom and lolimgay might've belonged to people who share my morbid curiosity of a Trump dating website.

The service wouldn't let me continue viewing profiles without completing my own. To do so, it asked what my favorite sports were. Since I have none, this was the end of my foray with Trump.dating. No amount of money is worth supporting Trump supporters.