This article is a sponsored collaboration between LELO and PAPER

The pandemic has been... a lonely time. Mentally, spiritually and, it goes without saying, physically. To wile away the rolling lockdowns, we've all come up with certain distractions for ourselves: from learning to bake bread, to figuring out how TikTok works, to finding our best Zoom angles for all-staff meetings. (Turns out that ring lights are worth the money.)

Me? I never did figure out how to make a sourdough starter, but that's not to say I didn't have a productive quarantine. In fact, I spent my periods of social and sexual isolation pursuing the noblest goal of all: finding the perfect vibrator.

Some may dismiss a COVID-19 vibrator quest as a "waste of time," or ask me to check my privilege. And it's true: while essential workers were risking their lives, I was orgasming. To these imagined criticisms I say... fair enough. But at least I was having my orgasms indoors, in the company of my own potentially contagious aerosols. Dating apps got weird during COVID — I'll say it if no one else will.

The orgasm is, as many cis women know, an elusive beast. I'd been having sex for a decade, but never really stopped to think much about mine. She came (oop), she went. Some sexual partners became well acquainted with her, others not so much. In the pursuit of that elusive vaginal orgasm experience, I'd had my dalliances with various sex toys, which I inevitably grew kind of bored of, lost the USB cords for and eventually discarded during a bedroom Konmari session. I never did have my Charlotte-from-Sex-and-the-City vibrator addiction moment.

So when listing my #personalgrowth goals during lockdown, finding an actually-good vibrator fell weirdly close to the top of the list. I finally had some peace and quiet in which to consider the world of electric massage wands, and find the ultimate one that worked for me. In the spirit of self love and discovery, I decided I wanted to invest in the latest and greatest vibrator tech. This was my literal vagina, after all. It deserved the best.

After a couple of months of lackluster experiences, I was recommended the LELO ENIGMA™. LELO was founded in Stockholm in 2003, and the brand is renowned for its chic products that look more like design objects than sex toys. The company is constantly innovating and researching with its customers' pleasure in mind — especially those elusive female orgasms.

And as soon as I started unboxing the ENIGMA™, I knew I was in for something new. The luxe black packaging revealed a sleek, slightly intimidating massage device coated in smooth black silicone. There was a panel of metallic pink on the handle reminiscent of Lady Gaga's face helmet in the "Stupid Love" video. Clearly, this was the vibrator of choice for citizens of Chromatica. And, like, if it's good enough for the Little Monsters? I'm down.

I plugged in the ENIGMA™ and waited the requisite two hours charging time with not-inconsiderable anticipation. I was the King Arthur of sex toys, so close yet so far to a potential holy vibrator grail. When the lights stopped flashing, I started experimenting with the different pleasure modes. The device emitted a gentle, amiable whirring sound. It wanted to play!

Now, there are two basic types of orgasm one can experience as a vagina-having person: the G-spot orgasm, and the clitoral orgasm. I'd had 'em both many times, after varying levels of effort and technological input. But what continued to elude me, and what I hoped the ENIGMA™™ could help with, was the more-elusive, ultra-powerful "blended" orgasm. It gets you off both ways, and feels like winning the million dollar jackpot with your sex parts. A dual-massaging vibrator is 100% the best way to hit both spots at once — and the ENIGMA™™, I found, was intelligently designed to do so.

What the ENIGMA™ designers know — and what I literally didn't realize until using one — is that the G-spot and clitoris are very likely connected to the same network of nerves. So, hitting the G-spot in the right way can also stimulate the clitoris at the same time. With eight different pleasure modes, I was able to figure out exactly how to get that synergy happening.

As I inserted the ENIGMA™, its shape curved around to stimulate my clitoris in tandem with my g-spot, pulsing determinedly until it got me to where I needed to be. It was... extraordinary. The thing was even waterproof. Bravo to the NASA-level vagina engineers at LELO.

The ENIGMA™, like every man I've dated, promised a lot of things that sounded great on paper. Unlike every man I've dated, it followed through. Using it felt like I was entering the VIP nightclub of vibrators — like I was being let in on a secret that only the most sexually liberated section of society knew about.

What was I doing wasting my time with cheap rubber phalluses when I could have been rendezvousing with a sleek, sexy silicone device that was actually fitted and curved to my G-spot and clitoris? I truly weep for my former, blended orgasm-deprived former self.

After finding the ENIGMA™, my lockdown project is complete. But the pandemic isn't over yet, people. Before we're forced to get out there and find IRL penises, start your own vibrator quest today.

Check out the LELO ENIGMA™ for yourself, here.

Photos courtesy of LELO

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