So you're alone. You're fun, fine and totally independent. Still, it would be nice to have another body to heat up your boudoir, because Pornhub and DMs won't do the trick forever. But there's a problem: no one is cool, everyone flakes or loses interest, and you're seriously starting to panic. Is it you? Probably not, but maybe. To save you the stress, we checked in with New York's top wingwoman, Cher Gopman, to find out where you're going wrong in scoring Mr. and/or Mrs. Right.
When approaching someone cold, commit to your method
There are two different ways to do it when approaching someone: direct ("Hey so this is totally random, but I saw you from across the room and you have this adorable look about you, I had to come over and say hello") and indirect ("It's such a nice day out today. Are you more of a winter or summer person?")
No matter which you decide to use, commit to it. Also, make sure you have a follow-up questions ready. Do not worry so much about having the perfect opening line as it is most important to have a good follow up to keep the conversation going. Also, smile. This will help you appear less creepy and more approachable.
No matter which dating app you use, come with questions and keep it honest
In order to establish a connection, it is important to ask questions and not just say statements. Get to know the person behind the phone. Also, be 100% honest on your profile and in your photos. This is your chance to let people swipe right on the real you. Only by being genuine to who you are can you find your perfect match.
Desirable traits to a man: personable, real/genuine, kindhearted, friendly and sociable, good sense of humor, affectionate, emotionally mature, independent.
Desirable traits to a woman: a man that treats others with respect, hard working, good hygiene, engaging, confidence, someone who can make her laugh, ambitious
If you meet someone out, text right away
If you meet someone at a bar, I recommend texting them right away. Really. First text him/her your name and something that made them stand out to you right away. Being flirtatious will really set you apart. Imagine if during the conversation she had complimented your hair. I would then recommend texting her as soon as she gives you her number, "Hey its Sean, the guy with the amazing hairstyle ;)." This will help her remember you the following day when she is going through all her late night texts. Girls often give out their numbers to more than one guy at the bar. This flirty text that you sent her the night before will immediately help her remember you. Follow up that text message after waiting a day or two more to rekindle the flame.
Don't be late to your first date, and chill with the complaining
Why start the date off in a rush or having your date think you are another no-show? Get to the date on time and start of with the right foot forwards. Another dating no-no is telling your dirty laundry too fast. Your date is going to have trouble imagining a life with you if they are hearing all the negatives before first learning about the positives.
Self-confidence can go a long way towards dating success. Really know and love yourself before you can let another person into your life. If you know how great you are and what you have to offer, you will have a lot easier time convincing your date of this. And that confidence needs to extend into your conversation as well, wishy-washy dates are never exciting. It's disappointing when a girl or guy changes their answer to a question based on what their date's beliefs are. It's way better to have a healthy disagreement and debate during a date than to agree on absolutely everything, especially when it's obvious your agreement is entirely fabricated. And while a healthy amount of confidence is really sexy, don't overdo it by talking only about yourself or bringing up controversial topics (such as ex girlfriends or boyfriends).
Read body language and respond accordingly
You can usually tell whether or not someone is interested in you based on the flow of the conversation. Are they engaged and excited to answer your questions? Are they asking you questions in return? Or are they giving one-word answers and not offering much back? If your date is interested in you, you can often tell by their engagement in the conversation. Read their body language, which may help in situations where you can't tell much from the conversation. Pay attention to signs of disinterest such as frequently checking their phone, closed off body language, poor eye contact, etc. Don't forget that they are reading your body language just as you are theirs, appearing open ad engaged can positively impact your date.
Take your time
There's no need to rush into exclusivity, take sure you have waited enough time and truly know each other. Know that this is the person you want to exclusively be with. If you feel enough time has gone by then its on to step number two: Make sure they are on the same page as you. Do their friends know you are seeing each other? Are you both not seeing other people? Are you seeing each other more than once per week? If you answered yes to these questions, then its on to step number three: Leave little hints. Are you both okay with planning an event with each other a week or even a month in advance? If so, then it's time to bring up exclusivity talk. Don't wait too long so as not to give off the wrong impression (that you're not interested in exclusivity) or compromise your own feelings to avoid an awkward conversation. As tough as it may be to find out they don't want the same thing, it's way worse to find out the same after wasting even more time on a dead-end relationship. However, don't put to much pressure on this — if you are on the same page it should be an exciting conversation for both of you.