Yesterday Apple Martin turned 16, giving us all an opportunity to collectively mourn our youth. The name of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's offspring has been a celebrity fun fact since she was born in 2004. It's enough to make you nostalgic: Paltrow was still an actress, fresh off The Royal Tenenbaums. Goop is just a few synapses in her evil genius brain. The recession is years away, what global pandemic?
Aside from a recent voice-only appearance in The Goop Lab on Netflix, Apple has grown up almost entirely out of the public eye. She makes her debut as a teenager on her mothers' Instagram, in a birthday post with an uncanny resemblance to a Reformation ad (Daily Mail confirms she's wearing The Laurelai). This celebrity fact is all grown up.
"I can't believe I'm actually writing these words but... happy sweet sixteen my darling girl," Paltrow gushed on Insta. "You are the light of my heart, you are pure joy. You are wickedly intelligent and you have the best, most dry, most brilliant sense of humor. I have the best time being your mom. I love our nightly evening chats when I really get to hear what's on your mind. You work hard to get whatever it is you want to achieve, and you have grit and responsibility in spades. I am so damn lucky to be your mother, you beautiful, kind young woman. Thank you for choosing me." Page Six reports that Gwyneth hosted a "drive-by birthday party" for Apple, where the teenager's questionably unmasked friends lined up for unadvisable hugs.
Like many teens, Apple has ambitions in the world of fashion and entertainment. Unlike most teens, Emma Roberts, Selma Blair, Kate Hudson, Kelly Rowland, Kate Bosworth, Cameron Diaz, Courtney Love, Katie Couric, January Jones and Jenni Konner all wished her happy birthday in the comments. Dereck Blasberg asked "How much longer till Apple can take me clubbin'? Love you, Aps!"