Crawling through midtown in a cab after breakfast with the girls this morning, I found myself scrolling through Instagram instead of reveling in the sights and sounds of this crazy town we call New York City. Like the mirage of an old furniture maker boyfriend in the Abu Dhabi desert, Sarah Jessica Parker's trademark smokey eye appeared on the feed alongside this bizarre video, in which she details the recent theft of her and husband Matthew Broderick's "beautiful" and "carefully chosen" Berkshires-sourced Halloween pumpkins from their West Village stoop.

Yes, that's right. Someone stole Ferris Bueller's festive gourds. My Blahniks teetering in shock, I couldn't help but wonder: was it SJP's natural enemy Kim Cattrall?

I think Kim Cattrall thieved these pumpkins, in the spirit of Halloween mischief and trickery but also revenge. She and Parker have sparred in the press for more than a decade now, and were supposedly arch-rivals while filming HBO's Sex and the City back in the day. The main source of their animosity in recent years stems from Cattrall's understandable unwillingness to star in a third Sex and the City movie. (Love u Sarah Jessica, but America sides with Kim on this one.)

It's not so difficult to imagine Cattrall pulling off the heist, maybe while wearing one of Samantha's sexy cancer wigs as a disguise. According to an Architectural Digest profile from 2017, Cattrall lives in a lush Park Avenue apartment decorated with tasteful nudes. The West Village is within reach; it would be easy enough to pull up in a dark car, Mr. Big style, and snatch some stoop decorations under cover of night.

Alas, until Cynthia Nixon stages a long overdue mediation session and forces Kim's confession to the crime, the whereabouts of SJP's missing pumpkins will remain a spooky mystery! Happy Halloween to every Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha out there.

Photo via Getty

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