We live in a totally unprecedented era of sex positivity and all that good stuff, but let's face it: the walk of shame is here to stay. It's a timeless tradition (and a total art form if performed properly) and it's not going anywhere. You can Uber it from your non-date's apartment in the miserable morning, but your driver is gonna smell the regret and rum cocktails on you regardless. Sorry, babe. I don't make the rules; I just write about them on the internet. Below, a few NYFW looks from the 2017 RTW season that might make your next walk of shame a little less drab.
The Utilitarian Coat
And… we're up! Whose apartment is this? Unclear. Does it matter? Whoever he is, he's probably still asleep, snoring in #hiscalvins. But you, my dear, are on the move. You'll need a coat.
Pockets are of the utmost importance. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You're going to need snacks and sustenance for endurance, hence the "hiding pockets." Before you begin raiding his kitchen cabinet (and if you're anything like me, his bathroom for skincare products left behind by previous one-night-standees) reach for something like the beautiful Zadig & Voltaire piece pictured above. Those patchwork pockets are so big they're practically purses, so get packing!
The Escape Sneakers
Stage two— or, "the escape"— is no joke. I once had to hop two fences and sweet talk a tough-but-fair security guard into letting me OUT of a gated community. That being said, you're never gonna run to safety in a pair of platforms. Good getaway shoes are clutch, got it?
Phillip Plein's presentation was ultra-luxe. It featured socialites, ex-prisoners, a very distinctive "The Matrix meets early 2000's Rocawear" vibe, and perhaps most importantly: some solid sneakers. Be it jumping down four flights of stairs in a hurry or dropkicking a morning-dweller who's eyeing your struggle a little too joyfully in the lobby, a snazzy pair of sneakers can make all the difference. Either way, you're fashion forward. Either way, you're on the move.
The Dramatic Disguise
Sure, you could opt for the tried n' true oversized-sunglasses-and-wide-brimmed-hat combo as you flee disgracefully out into the streets of New York, or LA, or— I dunno, (insert Middle American mid-sized city here)— but this is 2017, not film noir, so let's spice it up!
Christian Cowan's NYFW debut brought forth a variety of designs so shiny and eye-catching that onlookers will practically HAVE to look away while you stumble around in the morning sun. Take this sequined, show-closing ensemble (worn by Paris Hilton… Hot!) for example. Imagine you're clutching a venti cold brew, shivering at an intersection and praying no one relevant spots you, when… WHAM! The sunlight hits you, catches your glittering gown, and suddenly you've burst into a supersonic ray of light. Is it a chic bird? A sexy plane? Nobody knows! Thanks, Christian!
The Sensible Suit
Okay, you made it. You're off the streets and you've just slid into home base at the office or the break room… the watercooler? I guess I've never had a real job, but I love that journey for you! Anyway, you're onto stage four now and it's time to get it together.
V-Files knew this moment was coming, and they are here for you this season. Like, in RARE form! For the first half of the show I genuinely thought that I had tuned into some bougie benefit for blazer awareness, or something. Office Space and The Devil Wears Prada walk into a bar— you know? This specific look by Snow Xue Gao toes the thin line between "No, I am not hungover" and "No, I did not go home last night" with the grace of a ballerina on steroids. It tells your boss, "Fine, you caught me, but I still look better than you."
And to be completely honest, if looking better than someone doesn't sedate your shame— at least momentarily— I don't know what will.
Splash image via GIPHY