Your Messy Pride Plans According to the Astro Poets

Your Messy Pride Plans According to the Astro Poets

Twitter's favorite horoscope soothsayers read the stars, and you.

There are many great ways to celebrate Pride, but when you're young (or pretending to be) and living with no regrets, those ways tend to get a little messy. Countless times, an innocent day filled with glitter, parties, and friends has turned into either a drunken stupor or sudden life crisis at 4 AM—and that's just the tame examples. Here, Twitter's favorite star readers, The Astro Poets, see beyond your Instagram posts and know what really went down at Pride. Haven't celebrated yet? Then this is what you're in for. Plan accordingly.

Find your sign below.

What an Aries did at Pride: Ordered a 6 ft stuffed peacock on Amazon, painted it rainbow and rode it down the block a few times, more or less naked, throwing scraps of paper with their number scrawled hastily on it while waiting with their ringtone on high as to "not miss" any texts.

What a Taurus did at Pride: Made sure all their hot friends were available so they could be seen with them at all important parties, carried a "sleep over" bag with them wherever they went, thought about cheating but didn't and felt "wild" just thinking about it.

What a Gemini did at Pride: Composed a manifesto which outlined the history of all of the Prides they've attended and staged a "reading" of it at a roof party, complete with a Q&A in which they both asked and answered their own questions.

What a Cancer did at Pride: Traded reading recommendations and recipes with strangers, wore their favorite "healing" crystal to an orgy they took notes during, secretly banged a friend's ex and felt guilty but reminded themselves they had "good intentions."

What a Leo did at Pride: Took at least 4 hours getting dressed in jeweled shorts and a see through tank while texting photos of themselves to at least 3 friends, showed up late to every party and spent the rest of the time winking at everyone who accidentally made eye contact with them.

What a Virgo did at Pride: Watered their plants before they left the house, brought extra sunscreen for friends, drunk texted a few exes to say they "forgive them", had the wildest sex of any sign by the end of the weekend but told no one about it.

What a Libra did at Pride: Woke up at 4 pm and sent a mass text to everyone in their contact list to "meet them in 15," talked a friend into coming over and stole part of their look while discussing "the news", then despite all this, showed up to a bar at 3:50 am, mopey and complaining about how lonely they are.

What a Scorpio did at Pride: Asked a Virgo to create a spreadsheet for them and slot in people they were interested in seeing at different times, did everyone's drugs without paying for any, flirted and almost slept with their best friend, slept with everyone else's best friend.

What a Sagittarius did at Pride: Talked for weeks before about how much they hate Pride, were convinced by a hot stranger to go to "just one party" at which they made out with at least ten people without even trying and still took no one home because they were "in a mood."

What a Capricorn did at Pride: Bummed everyone's cigs, bummed everyone out but looked super hot doing it, made a list of people they wanted to "reject", networked flawlessly and got someone in Hollywood to fly them out and talk about their screenplay.

What an Aquarius did at Pride: Decided to create an "oral" history and record "meaningful" conversations they had for an art installation, didn't return any of their texts but still showed up at every party, started the day in New York but ended up at Fire Island.

What a Pisces did at Pride: Thought about all their exes, wore some article of clothing an ex once left at their house, got their phone taken away by friends after threatening to call aforementioned exes, threw themselves at literally anyone by the end of the night and called them "beautiful."

Splash Image by James Emmerman