We started this column because we love Britney Spears and her enduring influence on pop culture and duh, society. But also because we, like all of you (don't lie), are forever obsessed with what the eff Our Queen of Pop, Godney, the Holy Spearit is doing on her Instagram.
Naysayers have long tried to bemoan Britney's "lack of creative control," and have attempted to prove how that allegation affects her career, and even her personal life. Say what you will about that (we're of the humble opinion that at this stage of the game, Britney signs all the checks, okurrrt?).
But honestly, Britney's Instagram feed is one aspect of her life that feels as free and open as she used to be in interviews before 2007. It is an avenue of virtually unfiltered creative freedom featuring her favorite mini-dresses, workout videos, kooky Snapchat filters, inspirational quotes, and classic #TBTs of Britney's most iconic moments, and so much more — all of which capture, in real time, the essence of Britney's mega-wattage, which will never dim.
For real, though: Britney truly doesn't owe us anything, and yet, through her Instagram feed, we see the change we want be in the world. Truly, it's a work of art. Let's take a tour, shall we?
First of all, Britney is right: This is great. It's an operatic version of "Toxic," including flute, violin, and operating hollering. I only call it hollering because I'm jealous of these young women's talent, which is immense enough to make all of us who are old and lazily scrolling through Britney's Instagram feed searching for the meaning of our own lives want to cancel everything and go back to music school. As usual, Britney has great taste, because of the millions of fan-related content she likely receives on the daily, she selected THIS one to expose her 19-million-and-counting followers to. This was nice, but you know what I want to see? Britney hitting those operatic notes in the bridge of "Toxic." I would've loved to be in the studio with her when she busted that out live in 2003. How many takes do you think it took? I'm sure she nailed it on the first try and then her studio wizards did the rest. I'm sure I can't ever hit those notes without going into a wheezing and coughing fit.
Here she is yet again with her precious boys, Sean Preston and Jayden James, who have indeed grown so fast. I love the all-white color scheme here. I wonder if they went to church on this particular Sunday morning and went to their favorite brunch spot. Do you think Britney goes ham on some pancakes? Is that a muffin on the plate in front of her? I wonder how much the uneaten scraps of her meal would sell for on eBay. Not that I'm interested in buying, jeez. I'm not that much of a freak.
I'm going to start using apple emojis. I liked my outfit today until I spilled coffee on it. Just kidding, I didn't spill coffee on it, and I look amazing. I'm not amazing though. I've been a brat all week fighting jetlag. I "travel for work." Am I deserving? Oprah says I am so I must be. Does any of that matter? How do you think Britney speaks to herself? Do you think she, like, sings to herself, or do you think she's like "I'm awesome," and does the pig nose gesture from the Chaotic days? Do you think Britney made this meme art herself? She is an artist, you know. Like, a really talented one worth lots of money. I wonder if when she wakes up in the morning in her expansive Caucasian manse, if she stretches and looks around her and prays to Goddess and goes to the mirror and whispers softly in the air that must surely smell like Fantasy and crisp, freshly laundered linens, I'm rich. Think rich, speak rich, grow rich. Here's a secret: Britney invented The Secret.
I do love Pretty Woman but I don't know this scene, I'm so sorry. Here Britney is, presumably in the morning, with mane aflow, heavy eyeliner, a bathrobe, and a cup of coffee (cream and sugar, or cream, no sugar?), acting out a scene that maybe Julia Roberts played out in her seminal role. This is chic. I don't love that Britney could fall off her balcony because of the acting, because that's unsafe and I'd literally never stop crying. I do love Britney's use of emojis. I know she's a fan of granny-smith and Washington apples, but is the four-leaf clover bit an allusion to how capital-L Lucky she is? There is also one red high heel. Is that a reference to Julia Roberts' hooker character? Is this whole thing an exclamatory statement, times two, not a question. Imagine being her assistant and being tasked with filming your boss acting out a scene from Pretty Woman. That would be the day I'd get fired, and/or, like, die. I feel like I would drop the camera and break the screen, and then, like nosedive off the balcony in embarrassment. Kidding. If I made such an error in the Sacred Filming of Britney Jean Spears, I'd probably just get demoted to second assistant to the first assistant of Britney's kids, which I'd arguably still be okay with. Wouldn't you? The call is still coming from inside the house, so...