What Would Godney Do?
Internet Culture

What Would Godney Do?

A close, regular read of the curated art experience that is Britney Spears' Instagram feed.

By Michael Love Michael

We started this column because we love Britney Spears and her enduring influence on pop culture and duh, society. But also because we, like all of you (don't lie), are forever obsessed with what the eff Our Queen of Pop, Godney, the Holy Spearit is doing on her Instagram.

Naysayers have long tried to bemoan Britney's "lack of creative control," and have attempted to prove how that allegation affects her career, and even her personal life. Say what you will about that (we're of the humble opinion that at this stage of the game, Britney signs all the checks, okurrrt?).

But honestly, Britney's Instagram feed is one aspect of her life that feels as free and open as she used to be in interviews before 2007. It is an avenue of virtually unfiltered creative freedom featuring her favorite mini-dresses, workout videos, kooky Snapchat filters, inspirational quotes, and classic #TBTs of Britney's most iconic moments, and so much more — all of which capture, in real time, the essence of Britney's mega-wattage, which will never dim.

For real, though: Britney truly doesn't owe us anything, and yet, through her Instagram feed, we see the change we want be in the world. Truly, it's a work of art. Let's take a tour, shall we?

Week ending May 18, 2018:

May 15, 2018

A simple video of Britney in her mansion with her boys Sean Preston, age 12, and Jayden James, age 11. She says, "OK, guys, are you ready to go outside and play?" They groan in protest, but this is a planned video and she is their mother after all, slash www dot Best Mom Ever dot edu backslash God backslash Please Adopt Us, so they have to go along with the proceedings. Britney is standing barefoot with her hands on her hips, assuming Wonder Woman pose. Her red nail polish is chipped and it lets us know she's "of the people." Her blonde mane is pulled back into a ponytail because she is relaxing at home. She is wearing daisy dukes, a choker, and a ruffled crop top because not only is she relaxed, but she is a pirate goth who enjoys listening to rock and roll in her down time. We see that she probably did 7,000 crunches today alone and we are maybe only slightly regretting going for the chicken sandwich, the fries, the ice cream, and the Snickers bar today because we got paid and wanted to thrive. Cut to Britney's yard, which is basically the greenest grass we've ever seen, full of flowers and inset with stones deserving of a six-page spread in a House Beautiful issue focused on "spring colors." She begins chasing her kids around and is letting them outrun her, or maybe they are Olympic track stars in the making and this is her way of showing us that they, too, are destined for greatness. A small dog is chasing them. What is the dog's name? I am a terrible fan for not knowing that.

Also May 15, 2018

It looks like Britney's boys are now in an actual training gym. I am assuming after proving their Olympic prowess, it was time to show us what training for the Olympics actually looks like. At 12 and 11, Sean Preston and Jayden James have accomplished more than any of us ever will. (I am after all, just a humble keyboard warrior who can barely spell and a good Christian who forgets to put offerings in the collection plate because I spent all my money on Zara and Snickers bars.) Anyway, here they are doing flips and jumping on gymnastics cushions, and doing pull-ups, and apparently cheating? Meanwhile I'm over here mad, like: Can they do more pull-ups than me? Not OK. There is a soundtrack happening that sounds very much like it comes from an infomercial about medicine that cures HPV and allows those who take it to travel the world freely and take lots of pictures of themselves smiling on top of mountains. Who knew that curing HPV could be so freeing? It's a clutch musical selection. Britney has great taste.

Also May 15, 2018

Britney had a very full day with her boys. Here they are in their picturesque House Beautiful yard, painting on small square canvases. Britney is an artist with no limits. One of her original watercolor works was purchased for $10,000 last year by Robin Leach, and the proceeds went to help relief efforts for the tragic Las Vegas mass shooting. Who said art can't be a great source of healing? Only sociopaths believe the opposite to be true. Are you a sociopath? Maybe it's time to find one of those elevator-music filled infomercials and take what you need to take as prescribed by your doctor. Look at the good I do. Look at the good Britney does. She's so happy! Britney acknowledges as much in her caption, calling painting "therapeutic" and getting to do such a thing with her boys "a blessing," three exclamation marks. We share in her lust for life and the visual arts. Isn't she lovely, this Hollywood girl? BUM BUM...BUM BUM. Now we are going home to our small New York apartment with no backyard to paint our own mural that no one will ever see. Kidding! I told you we share in Britney's lust for life. If she's happy, so are we. Is that co-dependent and weird? If Britney ever sold these painting in this video, I wonder how much a triptych would go for down at Sotheby's? Is the value we place on art quantifiable? What is art?

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