Tube Top: November 2005

Stewie Griffin is the Machiavellian son of Peter and Lois Griffin on Fox's Family Guy. The baby with the football-shaped cranium, wicked temperament and British accent is itching to murder his mom, Lois -- and he's the most easily recognizable cartoon character since Bart Simpson. We asked Stewie what he's watching on the tube, and he agreed to share. Here's his list of fall shows:

There is nothing in the world more satisfying than watching Tyra Banks tell some blond chick named Kristi that she has fat thighs. I never thought I'd say this, but thank you, UPN. This almost makes up for Eve.

Guilty! I love Ryan's brooding scowl. I love Seth's adorkability. I love Marissa's outfits. And I can't believe Julie Cooper took over the Newport Group, then French-kissed that ruffian, then almost had Caleb killed, then decided she loved him again, then watched him die in the pool and then got back together with Jimmy! I mean, what is Jimmy thinking? She's vintage '80s trailer trash, and she's just going to leave him again when something better comes along! Oh, dear Lord, I love that woman.

Another guilty pleasure. I just can't get enough of grown men getting smacked in the testicles with Wiffle Ball bats, grandmas falling off dance floors because their prosthetic hips buckled and pets getting sprayed in the face with garden hoses. Rupert and I once made a tape where I hid him in the toilet, so when the fat man sat down, Rupert could make scary growling noises, and the man would think there was a toilet monster! That didn't end well.

This show is hilarious. The kids misbehave and Bernie's like, "I'm gonna beat you until you bleed out your ass." And then he's like, "Baby girl, if you touch my CD player, I'm gonna whup you with a phone book." And then he's like, "Jordan, if you cough on me, I'm gonna lock you in the basement and strangle you with my belt." The man knows how to discipline children and it's refreshing.

Of course! Make sure to check me out this season. I become a bookie. I battle my sperm brother, Bertram. I form a highly successful nightclub act with Frank Sinatra Jr. I contract a bacterial infection and have to live in a bubble. And, oh yes, I...KILL LOIS. Actually, I still haven't gotten around to killing the skeez, but it's next on my to-do list. What? Like you've never procrastinated? How long has it been since your mother asked you to clean up your closet? Three weeks? Four weeks? You know, eventually she's gonna go up there and clean it herself. And then she'll find your disgusting magazines and be like, "Oh, my God! Joey! This is horrible! You're a filthy animal. Filthy! Filthy! Filthy! Why don't you go live in the bus station with the rest of the human garbage?" Don't you judge me. Bitch.

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