The Gossip Girl Teaser: An In-Depth Analysis

Jake Stavis

Let's face it, Fall is fast approaching, and along with an updated wardrobe comes a brand spankin' new season of hot, primetime television. And in our little city, perhaps no premiere is more highly anticipated than that of the one and only masterpiece that is Gossip Girl. Here at PAPERMAG we're still shaking from our little shout out (holler at Agyness in season two's "Pret-a-Poor J"), and although the CW has only released a 30 second promo, I have to admit I'm already anxious that my DVR will, in a freak accident, tragically malfunction and not record the show's new time, 9 (NINE) PM.

Any true fan will admit that everything and anything GG-related can and should be analyzed down to the model and make of Blair's characteristic headbands, and thus I've done just that with this brief albeit action-packed Youtube teaser. View and read, my pretties, view and read.

First off, I'm immediately concerned about suspender-sporting Chuck consorting with a mysterious blonde, not only because I'm a huge fan of Chuck and Blair but also because I fear GG may now feature a third golden-haired hooch. Then again, this "other woman" does appear noticeably fresher than big S, whose caked-on makeup and standard pout are vaguely reminiscent of Watteau's Gilles, so props to her for keepin' it clean. Nonetheless, I can't help but worry that our power couple Chuck and Blair (and certainly not "Chair") is threatened.

We cut to Serena, who upon first glance appears to be accosted by a slew of paparazzi I've (unfortunately) yet to encounter after 18 years of Upper East Side strolls. However, a closer viewing of Ms. Van der Woodslut reveals that she, rather than the (I use this term loosely) unassuming Carter Baizen, has untied her halter dress, and in doing so prompted said photofest. Oh, how the mighty have fallen,

Nate's kissing Ginger Spice a lovely redhead who may or may not be his mother's age. Why does this semi-oedipal plotline sound familiar?

Our one shot of little J is not particularly telling (womp womp), although I still can't believe that Taylor Momsen is only 16. Now that the MKA countdown is long over, perhaps this long-legged vixen will fill the underage shoes.

A shirtless Carter Baizen next to a pair of horses and suited men leave me perplexed, but certainly give me hope for better Hamptons episode plotlines than last year's Jitney romp.

Is Vanessa kissing Scott (aka the adopted Rufus-Lily love child)? We can only hope that this toys with tears to shreds the heart of one lonely boy of Brooklyn origin...

We move on to a flannel-clad Daniel, who's looking especially toolish at what appears to be a rooftop... keg party (?). I offer a disclaimer, however, because I personally view Dan Humphrey (and his still inexplicable Yale vs. NYU financial aid situation) as one of the most annoying/frustrating/generally terrible characters ever to grace the small screen. Luckily we only have to look at him for a brief second before cutting to the largely under-appreciated Georgina and a couple of Solo-cup-toting hos. How far we've come since the days of Harriet the Spy, G!

Of course, nothing made me happier than the editor's wise choice to end this teaser with a sharp Waldorf tirade and once again exploit chatspeak in unthinkable ways (WTF: Watch This Fall? Genius!). AND considering these action-packed 30 seconds made not one allusion to college and its accompanying antics, I can only imagine what else is in store for us.

Watch season 3 of The CW's Gossip Girl, premiering Monday Sept. 14 at 9 PM.

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