The Fat Jew Is Running for President of the Internet

by Kim Hastreiter / photography by Gillian Laub
Sometimes I feel that existence on the Internet is indeed like life on another planet. After all, the Internet is developing its own laws (and lawlessness), its own ecosystem, its own order and chaos. The Net's become home for its own superstars, do-gooders, freaks, artists, zillionaires, heroes, perverts, idols and villains. It's spawned its own language, its own power players, its own economy and even its own zeitgeist.

This is why, when we first met the Fat Jew (@thefatjewish on Instagram), a beyond-hilarious New York-born Internet citizen of global fame, we knew we needed to include him in our issue: he is really deep in there. If anyone knows how to break the Internet, this guy does. Every day he trolls the bowels of the Web, shining light on the sickest, most hilarious and most shocking stuff he sees. And now he's setting his sights on becoming the Internet's first omnipotent leader.

That brings me to how I got my exciting new job. Yes folks, believe it or not, I have been appointed to the FJ's cabinet as the Official Campaign Director for his run for President of the Internet! Not that it will be that much work, as the Fat Jew has no opponents. And the election will be stealth. In fact, you might even say he's won the presidency already. I will be at his side to organize his endorsements, make sure his outfits are fabulous and party-plan his inauguration and all the pomp and circumstance that goes with this new title. Needless to say, I am thrilled. I never had kids, but if I had, this is the son I would want. We have kind of adopted each other already; in fact, the Fat Jew currently calls me "Mom." And by the way, we both like the same food.

So we are breaking big news here today, announcing the Fat Jew's candidacy for the President of the Internet (POTI). I chatted with him recently so he could share his ideas for shaping the government -- his platform, his dreams and his goals for all the great things that the three billion citizens of the Internet can expect from his presidency.

The Fat Jew tells us what his Internet presidency might look like.

Why do you think the Internet needs a president?

The Internet doesn't necessarily need to be ruled. I just want to use my platform to shine the light on things that are important -- the extra-most-fucking-bizarre shit.

What do you think is important?

There's so much click-baiting these days, like "The Best Five Haircuts that Justin Theroux Had." But nobody's monitoring the awesome shit. Instead we need to know stuff like what is going on with Ukrainian raver blogs.

What's the job description for President of the Internet?

It's like being the Internet referee. I'm like George Washington mixed with Magellan -- with a hint of Serbian hacker and a sprinkle of Rob Lowe.

Why do you think you're the best man for the job

I just see the absolute best shit. I want my Oval Office to be a shitty Internet café in Tampa Bay.

Is that where your official residence will be?

No. I'll live in some weird sexual dungeon in Berlin, but I have to make sure it has great Internet service. Those places have thick walls a lot of times.

What will be your first order of business when you take office?

I will immediately shut down BuzzFeed. I just don't need to take a quiz called "What Kind of Bagel Are You?" or know the "Top 10 Times Jennifer Aniston Rode a Bicycle." No one needs to know that.

Vasaboy, Leo Gugu, Stephanie Butnick, Heidi Lee, Bettina Murota, Joy Adaeze, Cat Marnell, Raj Singh, Fat Jew, Marti Ragan, Krys Fox, Akito Nara, Toast

Tell us about your cabinet. What kind of appointments will you make?

I need a wide array of advisers who can track all factors of the Internet. I want a couple normal dads with iPads, a few Korean teen bloggers who can tell me about fashion, one white Jewish girl who can alert me to stuff on Facebook I should be seeing and a black teenager who can keep me up on urban trends. Also someone from Eastern Europe and at least two trannies. I'm also probably going to need to have some five- or six-year-old children.

What will children do for you?

They are gonna keep me relevant -- let me know what's happening. Oh, and I definitely want an army of gay men.

Who will your First Lady be?

I wanted Tavi Gevinson, but she's just way too high-end for me and far more mature than I am. She'd never accept the role. So I'll either choose a 13-year-old fashion-forward Korean blogger or Cat Marnell, who is an absolutely beautiful mess. She represents those who go on Twitter at four in the morning while on a bunch of uppers and downers and just write everything that comes to their mind.

How will the presidential elections work?

I want open democratic elections, but you can't really trust the Internet 'cause it's just too crazy. I would like to say we fight in a cage, but I want to keep it open to somebody who's young. If an 11-year-old girl wants to run, I'm not gonna kick her ass. We have to just trust the craziness and let the mob decide. It'll be fuckin' ugly.

Tell me about your platform. What are the basic tenets of your presidency?

I'm going to out some hateful trolls. I'm actually pro-troll as long as you're being creative. You can't spew hate, but if you're being creative with it I'll back you. Don't come at me and say, "You fuckin' Jew fuck!" That's terrible -- you've really gotta be more creative. But if you're like, "I would love to put you into an oven like a pizza," that's funny! You have to come at me in a creative, poetic kind of way. My family has always been very poetic. My mother actually, true story, slept with Shel Silverstein in the late '60s. When your mom fucks Shel Silverstein... I don't know, maybe I'm his kid. I'm not sure. I also want a cabinet that can shine a light on what's happening on the Internet in Asia. You look at these websites, but they're all in fucking Japanese so we can't understand them. When you think about what's going on in actual real-life Japan -- people buying dirty women's underpants at vending machines, dressing up like panda bears and carrying around life-size body pillows that they hug all day -- then think about what must be going on the Internet there! My cabinet will expose what's really happening on the Internet around the world because it is fucking mental.

Are you writing a constitution?

Yeah, but it's gonna be Biblical -- more like a Ten Commandments-type thing -- although I will mix in a bit of American Constitution style. During my entire tenure I will be wearing a powdered wig. Every single fucking day I will be wearing a wig.

The kind that lawyers in London wear? Like Karl Lagerfeld?

Yes. Heavily Lagerfeld. But also a little Amadeusy -- like a 1770s version of Karl Lagerfeld.

Will your government create laws?

I'm obviously tempted to say that the first law is that there are no laws. But a couple things could be reined in. As I mentioned, there will be governance [so] that when people are spewing hate, it needs to be creative. I want people to say horrendous, horrible things to each other, but let's get poetic with it.

How will you enforce them? Will you have a court system?

Obviously a lot of the magic of the Internet is based on anonymity. People feel completely comfortable once they are nude at their computer in their mom's basement or whatever. But there are certain offenses people should be put on public trial for. For example, if you're weird and rapey, you should have some sort of public trial. All the punishments will be super creative. You'll have to do horrible things that will make you feel like you wouldn't want to commit any more offenses -- like get a really horrible K.D. Lang haircut. I want my trial venues to be nice though. They will be held at a Sandals Resort in Jamaica.

What's your policy on the workweek?

I don't like the Internet in the afternoon. That's when I find it to be really weird. The official workday on the Internet is gonna go from about 7-10 a.m. and then from 8 p.m.-3 a.m.

Will the Internet have any holidays?

We want to honor our greats like Al Gore for inventing the fucking Internet! Al Gore Day for sure. Obviously we should have National Gonzo Pornography Day, where everyone is forced to look at faces Photoshopped on vaginas. National Miley Cyrus Day, because she's great at the Internet. Maybe Anderson Cooper Day. Just the greats.

Do you have any health policies? Food/dietary policies?

We will be offering free carbohydrates at all times. We will subsidize them.

How will you fund that? Will you have a tax system?

Yes. I think so. These are tricky and tough decisions. Obviously a lucrative moneymaker would be to privatize pornography and start making money off that. But can I really actually hold pornography back from anybody? There will be certain fineable offenses. If you put too many photos of your baby up, you are subject to a fine. We'll tax photos of food and children. Every time you put up a photo of your fucking quinoa, or of your feet extended out by a body of water, you will be fucking taxed.

What's your position on marijuana?

We are obviously pro-marijuana. But not to a point where it's nerdy like hand-blowing your own bongs.

Do you have a policy on privacy?

There's none whatsoever. My first order of business is to put a tiny webcam into my father's shower unbeknownst to him. It's going to be a 24-hour live feed of his shower. Obviously he will only be in it for about seven to eight minutes a day. But I want people to be able to watch my father shower at all times. Not because it's right, but because people deserve to see anything that they can possibly imagine.

What is your stance on religion?

Everything is pretty much all good.

Do you like Jewish food?

Very much so. I had a period where I was on a quest to become the fattest man alive when I was drinking a lot of schmaltz. I could sit in a Jacuzzi full of chopped liver.

Do you like the chopped liver and cream cheese at Russ & Daughters Café?

I would spread that on my chest. It's that good. Actually, before the café opened I used to buy the big wonton soup container of chopped liver at their counter and just eat it with a spoon.

Tell me about your parents.

My parents both retired and moved out to Santa Fe. They're into funky leather bracelets, weird tattoos, smoking tiny joints and then walking the dog for a few hours. You know, typical funky retirees.

Do your parents follow you on Instagram?

My mom does. When you've actually poured a bottle of rosé on your head at one o'clock in the afternoon, almost anything is possible. But I'm not sure if she's laughing at me or if she's laughing 'cause she's drunk -- or if she's laughing because it's one of those laughs that turns into a cry. But they are very supportive, and apparently, according to them, the 60-year-old crowd in Santa Fe are really celebrating my work.

You are hilarious. If I had a son you would be my choice of the best, most favorite son that I could ever have in the whole world.

I am forcing you to adopt me at this point. I basically just started calling you Mom, and I really celebrate you. Am I allowed to say in this article that you are in my cabinet? That you're my Campaign Manager? As soon as I met you I knew that it had to be.

Why not? You heard it here first, folks. I am the Fat Jew's fat Jewish Campaign Manager for President of the Internet. Let's celebrate and go to Russ & Daughters Café for dinner ASAP.

Yes! Let's hold all our strategy meetings there -- although Sammy's Roumanian is also a good place to take a meeting. Although the food isn't as good.

Cat Marnell @cat_marnell, Toast @toastmeetsworld, Fat Jew @thefatjewish

Hair by Christie McCabe for Utopia / Makeup by Adrian Alvarado for Utopia / Grooming by Clelia Bergonzoli for Utopia / Photographer Assistant: Mauricio Quintero / Casting by Alex Catarinella

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