Some Famous Jasons We'd Do It With

PAPERMAG
After we posted Hillary Clinton's rejection letter to Jason Segel the other day, Mickey assigned the hard-hitting group editorial "Some Famous Jasons We'd Do It With." So here you go. You're welcome/we're sorry.


Alexis: Jason Bateman
WHY: Though it was actually Mark from The Hogan Family who I had a crush on throughout the late-'80s (Jason Bateman's character David was a little too "fast" for my taste, and actually was the first person on TV to use the word "condom"!), Bateman would later go on to steal my heart as the hapless, tousled, super-neurotic family-oriented Michael Bluth on Arrested Develpment. Also, his daughter is named Maple!


Whitney: Jason Sudeikis
WHY: It think it's because he seems approachable -- like the type of guy that you could end up next to at the bar while ordering a beer and who would make a corny joke. But then I remember that he now seems to exclusively date GQ cover girls. One time he did actually talk to me at the Portlandia premiere party while he was on January Jones hiatus. He asked me what band was playing on stage. I shouted, "the Thermals," and he thanked me and turned around. I spent the rest of their set staring at the back of his head.



Mickey: Jason Schwartzman
WHY: Jason Schwartzman is sexy because in addition to being pleasing on the peepers, he's also hilarious and talented. Plus, he's a drummer. Plus, he was super-understanding when I interviewed him for the cover of PAPER in 2002 and the tape didn't record properly so we had to redo the entire thing. Come on, that was sweet.



Mickey: Jason F. Sellards (aka Jake Shears)
WHY:
This feels a little dirty because he's a former Paper intern, but we couldn't NOT include Jason Sellards, aka Scissor Sisters' frontman Jake Shears. Nobody in pop music shakes his moneymaker as adorably as Jason/Jake does.



Mickey: Jason Derulo
WHY: Because as the Ghostbusters theme says, Jason is "too hot to handle, too cold to hold!"


Abby: Jason Segel
WHY: Because there's nothing more attractive than a funny guy who can shop at the 'Big & Tall' store.

Elizabeth: Jason Lee
WHY: Because all the other Jasons were taken. But also because he used to be a pro skater. (Here he is skating in a Sonic Youth video.) This was pretty much the epitome of hotness to my teenage self.


Elizabeth: Jason (of Jason and the Argonauts)
WHY: Because he can fight off skeletons in a flirty belted sun dress. 


Elizabeth: Jason Alexander
WHY
: Because he introduced America to under-desk napping. And, hello, check him out with floppy hair and a baseball shirt in The Burning, a horror movie with this poster.

 

Jordan: Jason Voorhees
WHY: As PAPER's foremost expert on all things fetish it's only natural that the famous Jason I'd sleep with wears a mask and likes to get rough. Don't judge me! Plenty of people are into "masked play." I'd gladly be Jason's junior counselor at scenic Camp Crystal Lake, if you know what I mean. This Jason does:



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