People say dumb things in real life, but they can always fall back on the old "Well, I don't exactly have a script writer" excuse. But how about when characters emit terrible tripe? In that case, there's always a lot of blame to pass around, especially to those who got top dollar to clank out the screenplay. And yet, bad dialogue can sometimes be howlingly wrong in a sort of enjoyable way that restores your faith in the power of lousy culture. Here are some of my favorite awful bits of movie talk through the years:

ROCK THE KASBAH (2015)

Bill Murray: Can you sing?

Kate Hudson: No, but I can fuck you like a Mouseketeer on crack.

THE OSCAR (1966)

Stephen Boyd: You a tourist or a native?

Elke Sommer: Take one from column A and two from column B, you get an egg roll either way.

Eleanor Parker: Look at me when you talk to me! I'm not some sort of garbage pail you can slap a lid on and walk away!

Tony Bennett: You know, you're some kind of poison…Everything you did for me in exchange for Laurel.

Stephen Boyd: What the hell has Laurel got to do with it?

Tony Bennett: I married her, remember? She was what you'd call a wife. She was also what you'd call a mother. Or almost a mother.

Stephen Boyd: Stop talking around it. If you've got something on your weak mind, spit it out.

Tony Bennett: She died on the table, you bastard. She died under the knife. She miscarried!!!

Stephen Boyd: What does that got to do with me?

Tony Bennett: It was your baby!

Stephen Boyd: I'm sorry.

Tony Bennett: Yeah, you're sorry. You're so sorry you pulled her out of the grave and made her a whore in every newspaper in the world.

THE ROOM (2003)

Tommy Wiseau: Thank you, honey. This is a beautiful party. You invited all my friends. Good thinking!

Juliette Danielle: Did you get your promotion?

Tommy Wiseau: Nah.

Juliette Danielle: You didn't get it, did you?

BODY OF EVIDENCE (1993)

Madonna: Don't look so hurt, Alan. I fucked you, I fucked Andrew, I fucked Frank. That's what I do; I fuck. And it made me eight million dollars!

SHOWGIRLS (1995)

Gina Gershon: I've had dog food.

Elizabeth Berkley: You have?

Gina Gershon: Mmm-hmm. Long time ago, Doggy Chow. I used to love Doggy Chow!

Alan Rachins: What are these, watermelons? This is a stage, babe, it's not a patch. See ya.

Robert Davi: Must be weird not having anybody cum on you.

THE CONQUEROR (1956)

Susan Hayward: For me, there is no peace while you live, Mongrel.

John Wayne: You're beautiful in your wrath.

HOWARD THE DUCK (1986)

Howard: Bev, I am not a real sentimental guy.

Lea Thompson: No, I bet you were born from a very hard-boiled egg, duckie.

MAHOGANY (1975)

Diana Ross: The men love me, the women love me, the children love me….You're just jealous, Brian, because no one loves you!

GIGLI (2003)

Jennifer Lopez: It's turkey time.

Ben Affleck: Huh?

Jennifer Lopez: Gobble gobble.

Justin Bartha: She's like the ones at the Baywatch. They make my penis sneeze.

Ben Affleck: You got a good sense of humor, you know that?

Justin Bartha: God bless you.

Ben Affleck: Thank you.

Justin Bartha: No, not you, stupid. When my penis sneezes, I say "God bless you"….God bless you, penis.

FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY (2003)

Justin Guarini: Hey, you're the girl from the beach.

Kelly Clarkson: My friends call me Kelly for short.

THE HOUSE OF THE SPIRITS (1993)

Glenn Close: I would like to be a man…for also to leave.

Jeremy Irons: And I am happy for not being a woman.

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1959)

Bill Ash: Visits? That would indicate visitors.

Duke Moore: But one thing's sure. Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and somebody's responsible.

Duke Moore: It was a saucer.

Conrad Brooks: A flying saucer?

ANGEL, ANGEL, DOWN WE GO (1969)

Jordan Christopher: Wow. Your breath stinks. Your breath stinks.

Holly Near: Oh, please!

Jordan Christopher: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I dig it. I dig it!

Jennifer Jones: I made 30 stag films and never faked an orgasm.

Jennifer Jones: You're a bloody, sadistic dyke!

THE TOURIST (2010)

Johnny Depp: Fuck! You're ravenous.

Angelina Jolie: Do you mean "ravishing"?

Johnny Depp: I do.

Angelina Jolie: You're ravenous.

Johnny Depp: I am.

VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (1967)

Susan Hayward: They drummed you out of Hollywood, so you come crawling back to Broadway. Well, Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope. Now get out of my way. I've got a man waiting for me.

***

No, wait a minute, I happen to love that movie! In fact, I have a soft spot for all these movies with dialogue so wrong it's almost right. How's that for a dumb thing to say?



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