People say dumb things in real life, but they can always fall back on the old "Well, I don't exactly have a script writer" excuse. But how about when characters emit terrible tripe? In that case, there's always a lot of blame to pass around, especially to those who got top dollar to clank out the screenplay. And yet, bad dialogue can sometimes be howlingly wrong in a sort of enjoyable way that restores your faith in the power of lousy culture. Here are some of my favorite awful bits of movie talk through the years:
ROCK THE KASBAH (2015)
Bill Murray: Can you sing?
Kate Hudson: No, but I can fuck you like a Mouseketeer on crack.
THE OSCAR (1966)
Stephen Boyd: You a tourist or a native?
Elke Sommer: Take one from column A and two from column B, you get an egg roll either way.
Eleanor Parker: Look at me when you talk to me! I'm not some sort of garbage pail you can slap a lid on and walk away!
Tony Bennett: You know, you're some kind of poison…Everything you did for me in exchange for Laurel.
Stephen Boyd: What the hell has Laurel got to do with it?
Tony Bennett: I married her, remember? She was what you'd call a wife. She was also what you'd call a mother. Or almost a mother.
Stephen Boyd: Stop talking around it. If you've got something on your weak mind, spit it out.
Tony Bennett: She died on the table, you bastard. She died under the knife. She miscarried!!!
Stephen Boyd: What does that got to do with me?
Tony Bennett: It was your baby!
Stephen Boyd: I'm sorry.
Tony Bennett: Yeah, you're sorry. You're so sorry you pulled her out of the grave and made her a whore in every newspaper in the world.
THE ROOM (2003)
Tommy Wiseau: Thank you, honey. This is a beautiful party. You invited all my friends. Good thinking!
Juliette Danielle: Did you get your promotion?
Tommy Wiseau: Nah.
Juliette Danielle: You didn't get it, did you?
BODY OF EVIDENCE (1993)
Madonna: Don't look so hurt, Alan. I fucked you, I fucked Andrew, I fucked Frank. That's what I do; I fuck. And it made me eight million dollars!
Gina Gershon: I've had dog food.
Elizabeth Berkley: You have?
Gina Gershon: Mmm-hmm. Long time ago, Doggy Chow. I used to love Doggy Chow!
Alan Rachins: What are these, watermelons? This is a stage, babe, it's not a patch. See ya.
Robert Davi: Must be weird not having anybody cum on you.
THE CONQUEROR (1956)
Susan Hayward: For me, there is no peace while you live, Mongrel.
John Wayne: You're beautiful in your wrath.
HOWARD THE DUCK (1986)
Howard: Bev, I am not a real sentimental guy.
Lea Thompson: No, I bet you were born from a very hard-boiled egg, duckie.
Diana Ross: The men love me, the women love me, the children love me….You're just jealous, Brian, because no one loves you!
Jennifer Lopez: It's turkey time.
Ben Affleck: Huh?
Jennifer Lopez: Gobble gobble.
Justin Bartha: She's like the ones at the Baywatch. They make my penis sneeze.
Ben Affleck: You got a good sense of humor, you know that?
Justin Bartha: God bless you.
Ben Affleck: Thank you.
Justin Bartha: No, not you, stupid. When my penis sneezes, I say "God bless you"….God bless you, penis.
FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY (2003)
Justin Guarini: Hey, you're the girl from the beach.
Kelly Clarkson: My friends call me Kelly for short.
THE HOUSE OF THE SPIRITS (1993)
Glenn Close: I would like to be a man…for also to leave.
Jeremy Irons: And I am happy for not being a woman.
PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1959)
Bill Ash: Visits? That would indicate visitors.
Duke Moore: But one thing's sure. Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and somebody's responsible.
Duke Moore: It was a saucer.
Conrad Brooks: A flying saucer?
ANGEL, ANGEL, DOWN WE GO (1969)
Jordan Christopher: Wow. Your breath stinks. Your breath stinks.
Holly Near: Oh, please!
Jordan Christopher: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I dig it. I dig it!
Jennifer Jones: I made 30 stag films and never faked an orgasm.
Jennifer Jones: You're a bloody, sadistic dyke!
THE TOURIST (2010)
Johnny Depp: Fuck! You're ravenous.
Angelina Jolie: Do you mean "ravishing"?
Johnny Depp: I do.
Angelina Jolie: You're ravenous.
Johnny Depp: I am.
VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (1967)
Susan Hayward: They drummed you out of Hollywood, so you come crawling back to Broadway. Well, Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope. Now get out of my way. I've got a man waiting for me.
No, wait a minute, I happen to love that movie! In fact, I have a soft spot for all these movies with dialogue so wrong it's almost right. How's that for a dumb thing to say?