Famous People

Serena Lost in the U.S. Open and it's Definitely Drake's Fault

by Eric Thurm

In a pretty stunning upset, Serena Williams lost the semifinal match of this year's U.S. Open to unseeded Roberta Vinci. Could we just chalk it up to one of the best athletes in the world having a rare bad day, taken by surprise by a virtual unknown? Could we say that it's fine, Serena has a long career ahead of her? We could (and should), but it's much more fun to speculate about the way this is all Drake's fault. 


Does our timeline of Aubrena need to be updated to include the fact that the prototype of the successful Beta Bro was somehow responsible for Serena's loss. Whether through Canadian witchcraft, false sensitivity, or simply leaving too many damn voice messages on her phone? Did he fail to effectively quench her thirst? Did Quentin Miller accidentally ghost-write an evil spell that messed up her game? Is Drake forever off a world tour? The only acceptable answer is to mourn for a weekend by ignoring all Drake-related entertainment and all Drake affiliates. Sorry, Abel. And sorry, Meek. It should have been you. 


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