By now you've likely been sucked into the billowing, bottomless vortex that is the augmented reality of Pokémon Go. Or if you're anything like PAPER's staff, you were immediately intrigued by the prospect of meeting your next hook-up in a bar-turned-Pokémon-gym.
Unfortunately though, as numerous news reports have noted, real-world Pokémon hunting is not all fun and games, as a bunch of dumdums have systematically walked into a series of bad situations that run the gamut from hoaxes to murders to getting involved with just plain shitty people. So in an effort to educate all you Pokémon masters about the dangers awaiting you, PAPER has rounded up a few examples of the hidden pitfalls of your Pokémon Go obsession so you don't end up as the subject of one of these news blogs.
After all, you probably don't want to get stabbed, lured into an armed robbery or stumble upon a dead body, uh, ever.
UMD police say four students were robbed of their cell phones on campus last night -- three of them were playing Pokemon Go
— Carrie Wells (@cwellssun) July 13, 2016
Forest Grove man stabbed while playing Pokémon Go: 'I basically risked my life'. https://t.co/U4AVS9mTlf pic.twitter.com/MBXtegD6OW
— FOX 12 Oregon KPTV (@fox12oregon) July 12, 2016
GOTTA SNATCH 'EM ALL: Thieves are using Pokémon Go to rob players in Missouri https://t.co/6j23VjBSDn pic.twitter.com/E7AG5G6kKf
— New York Daily News (@NYDailyNews) July 10, 2016
Gamer looks for Pokemon, finds dead body https://t.co/9MP66ySEHB
— NowThis (@nowthisnews) July 10, 2016
My boyfriend is contemplating breaking into our neighbors house to catch a Pokemon.
Thanks Pokemon go .
— ToriSlaysDragons✨✨ (@1pastyprincess) July 7, 2016
Police warn civilians that robbers are using Pokémon Go to target victims: https://t.co/45wH8vuABB pic.twitter.com/pyKJWLNEjI
— Slate (@Slate) July 13, 2016
Because it's definitely not a good idea to catch Jigglypuffs at the Holocaust Museum. Or any other site memorializing historical tragedies.
Holocaust Museum to visitors: Please stop catching Pokemon here https://t.co/PfpuIEhZWZ
— The Switch (@TheSwitch) July 12, 2016
Never Forget To Play Pokémon Go At The 9/11 Memorial https://t.co/ihSjG3RrKc pic.twitter.com/g03EaG06Fa
— Gothamist (@Gothamist) July 12, 2016
Yes, you can catch Pokémon at Auschwitz: https://t.co/DFAqcaworp pic.twitter.com/f60SQ7HAgY
— New York Magazine (@NYMag) July 11, 2016
These museums and monuments are asking you not to play Pokemon Go: https://t.co/0hB5229WLH pic.twitter.com/hlHKGlnqVX
— CNN (@CNN) July 13, 2016
Pokémon-Induced Tunnel Vision
Or accidentally wander into the DMZ.
Someone hunting for Pokémon walked through a live news broadcast https://t.co/SegIBIfrUG pic.twitter.com/wwY0VHEFQp
— The Independent (@Independent) July 13, 2016
New test for Nintendo? North Korea an obstacle for South Korean Pokemon hunters https://t.co/9YLoRqeyel via @Reuters
— James Pearson (@pearswick) July 13, 2016
I assume a world first: This journalist found Pokemon at a PM's press conference https://t.co/NT4buBHAOf pic.twitter.com/DQTbYOGei2
— Mark Di Stefano (@MarkDiStef) July 13, 2016
Or fuck with the sort of drama Maury was invented for.
.@Tyga ignored @KylieJenner for #PokemonGo in a Budapest airport. https://t.co/TEfRbZkNHa
— 101.9 AMP Radio (@1019ampradio) July 13, 2016
Man claims his girlfriend caught him cheating using 'Pokémon Go' https://t.co/6J6CBM2JDz pic.twitter.com/WlNgrdu3Hr
— Jason Calabretta (@JasonCalabretta) July 12, 2016
Pokémon Pornhub searches increased 136 percent since 'Pokémon Go' launched https://t.co/WXTL8eNZy2 pic.twitter.com/JeCyrTqRUc
— Mashable (@mashable) July 12, 2016
A guy just told his girlfriend to hold the train while he caught a Pokémon and she got on and left without him.
— Kate Feldman (@kateefeldman) July 9, 2016
My boyfriend was an hour late because he stopped at a park on the way over to play #pokemonGO
— lo (@inlovewithdalo) July 8, 2016
Hey #PokemonGo - thanks for stealing my boyfriend. I HOPE YOU'RE VERY HAPPY TOGETHER.
— bennettboy_ (@bennettboy_) July 9, 2016
And you thought roommates eating your food was bad.
Living in an old church means many things. Today it means my house is a Pokémon Go gym. This should be fascinating.
— Boon Sheridan (@boonerang) July 9, 2016
WHY IS EVERYONE TRYING TO SELL ME DRUGS TODAY?
JUST TELL ME WHERE THE RARE POKEMON ARE AND I'LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR.
— Chris Fronzak (@FRONZ1LLA) July 13, 2016
Parents looking for a way to get children moving have found a new ally: Pokémon https://t.co/oiKXDLoK3b
— The New York Times (@nytimes) July 13, 2016
Big Brother Data-Mining
Similar to "Stranger Danger," but infinitely more invasively creepy.
NSFW: #PokemonGO players are taking nude photos of themselves with Pokemon in the frame https://t.co/nhqV6dfuDN pic.twitter.com/0SofNwI3AR
— CNN (@CNN) July 13, 2016
Ever notice how companies never accidentally request too *little* access to personal information? https://t.co/SH2tYo4sAW
— Troy Hunt (@troyhunt) July 13, 2016
Here's why Pokemon Go is a hacker's dream: https://t.co/I1ytXmsDfC pic.twitter.com/GzbGARK7KX
— The Daily Beast (@thedailybeast) July 13, 2016
But It's Also Not All So Bad
Two Marines caught an attempted murder suspect while playing Pokemon Go https://t.co/qrK7fMrEsX pic.twitter.com/u9ZpRLM6Ez
— CNN International (@cnni) July 13, 2016
For $1.19 an hour, you can have more customers than you've ever seen in your life https://t.co/bG0S7SG3Uu @smalter
— Inc. (@Inc) July 13, 2016
Pokémon Go is essentially a fitness app and people aren't even mad https://t.co/lFg84VciQ3 pic.twitter.com/hGUXuVSmRw
— BuzzFeed (@BuzzFeed) July 13, 2016
So, in summary, while we hope a rare Wartortle will bless your gaming experience, please don't murder anyone in the process.