Recap: Feed the Seagulls Bread and Blood

by Eli Yudin & Carey O'Donnell
Each Monday, Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell, authors of the very, very funny Twitter account @NotTildaSwinton, will be recapping the Real Housewives of New Jersey for us. Below, their next installment.

Carey: We've arrived. We've climbed over the wood fence, walked into the half-dead corn field, the silhouette of a poorly assembled scarecrow, small against the harvest dusk, hanging from its post, resigned to the fever breeze of an Indian summer. The final episode of this ghastly season has come and gone. But we're still here. I'm still here. Typing this. The world didn't end, but it feels like it did. I sort of wish it had after I finished watching. I don't know what else to say. But I'll try. We pick up where we left off at the launch event for Posche 2 at "MOXIE'S." Melissa/Teresa and Penny the Drooping Lamp are still fighting, and the crowd watching them has grown TEN FOLD! As Penny remains steadfast in her claim that Teresa helped she and her husband spread the gossip wildfire, Teresa continues to open up her second set of vocal chords to unleash her pelican cries. What is that range? How is that possible? They fight and fight until "Johnny," Penny's husband, rolls into Moxie's to settle the score. He's a great round thing who looks like he would star in Newsies if it took place in an Armani Exchange.

Eli: Penny and Johnny the Greek are truly a match made in hell. She looks like somebody put a Barbie through the dryer, and he looks like a bouncer for Guy Fieri's American Kitchen. When I try to imagine their intimate times, I feel nauseous both in my stomach and in all of my chakras. I just wonder, at this point, about the thoughts these people have about going to these events. At this point they have to know before they go that it's going to be a terrible evening. Do they just shrug at each other and pound shots before resigning themselves to a night of aggressive pointing and possible grappling? It seems like their version of nightlife is about as pleasurable as a junior high school break-up.

Carey: Gorgon Joe gets right in Johnny's face to confront him. Johnny has no real argument to why he's spreading rumors about some people he doesn't know, but he does support Penny's claim that Tre-Tre was behind it. Then Gorgon and Big Johnny "clash" (in other words, the camera goes black several times while people scream).

Eli: I don't know what sort of masculine fumbling this fight must have been for them not to show any footage, because it couldn't be any worse than the human Plinko that was the "fight" between Juicy and Gorgon, but we get to see none of it, though it was apparently "terrifying." One of the cameramen was beheaded for missing this action. At least this time Joe Gorga remembered to wear a beanie so all his Toppik doesn't rub off on everybody.

Carey: THE BEST MOMENT, however, comes when Caroline, who saw the altercation coming from the crowd and appropriately muttered "Oh shit," darts RIGHT for Kim D. and yells at her. "I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!" she yells at Kim D., who shakily stands before a group of women, with a drunken, empty glaze over her eyes. "HOW DOES IT FEEL TO DESTROY A FAMILY?" She yells s'more. YES, CAROLINE!

Eli: She also calls Kim D "full of evil," verbatim. Caroline, if you're reading our recaps please let us know so we can all celebrate with a group trip to Aspen.

Carey: She KNEW Kim D. was behind this, inviting Penny AND her husband to stir the pot. Everything that annoyed me about Caroline this season, and in past seasons, was completely forgiven after this. Kim D. began panting, "FUCK HEHHHH" She yelled, "FUCK CAROLINE!" She felt faint as she watched Caroline's children pull their mother out of the store, her power weakened. Her blue eyes flooded with blk water, and she opened her mouth, releasing a swarm of flies as she roared.

Eli: Then everyone sort of milled around Moschi or Moppo or whatever this hair-cuttery is called and talked about how scary everything is. And with that, it's the last appearance of the curdled being that is Kim D. Disappointingly, we end the season without ever resolving the mystery of "will Kim D's lips literally fall off of her face?"

Carey: Rich and Kath head over to Melissa and Joe's inflatable mansion/bouncey house, and they eat meats and DISH. They all know Teresa had everything to do with Penny and Johnny's Twitter rants, but they also accept that Teresa is very dumb and had no idea these people would take it to new crazy levels.

Eli: Surprisingly, Rich bypasses his usual "THIS SALAMI IS MY DICK! I'D LIKE TO EAT HER ROAST BEEF SAMMICH!" dirty talk, which to me is dirtier than real dirty talk because it makes me feel absolutely filthy, and gives sound advice. I don't know if he went back to Miraval every night after Kathy fell asleep for emergency mediation lessons, but he makes a scary amount of sense. Caroline seethes somewhere, sensing someone has encroached on her amateur counseling crown. Meanwhile, Chris and Jacqueline are with Juicy and Tre. Chris is being awesome like always, and he and Jacqueline convince Teresa that she needs to give at least SORT OF a confession to her brudda instead of acting like some sort of Jersey messiah.

Carey: Later, at the blk water tasting at the blk water offices, Teresa admits to her brother that she conspired with Penny and Johnny, but that she's v. sorry and that she LOVES Joe. First of all, blk water has an office. There is an office building where blk water is run out of. In the lobby directory of this office building, it says "blk water" next to an office number. Yes. Okay, great.

Anyway, If there's one thing to take away from this show, it's that there are living women in 2013 named "Penny" and "Jan." But actually, the ONE thing to remember about this show is that Teresa LOVES her brother, Joe. She looooves him. LOVE, LOVE, LOVES HIM! She loves him more than anything. ANYTHING!!!!! "Obviously, I know your children and wife come before me," she says with such apparent resentment. WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT? This is not normal. THIS IS NOT OKAY. I'm going to avoid discussing my Flowers in the Attic theories about Teresa and Gorgon because I'm too busy holding my head underwater in my bathtub.

Eli: I cried a little during this part, so it looks like I've got a strange repressed memory tucked away somewhere that'll be fun to uncover! And what a coincidence, the climax of this show happening in the blk offices. And even during the hug in which all the bad blood and hatred between Tre and Gorgon explodes out like so much melodramatic shrapnel, a blk business card or SOMETHING with a very clear blk logo manages to sneak its way into the shot. Nice.

Carey: The episode ends with the entire crew gathering a few weeks later (presumably) at Teresa and Juicy's newly renovated beach house that they purchased with fake money and that Joe spent more fake money to refurbish after Hurricane Sandy. FULL CIRCLE MOMENT. We started with Sandy and ended with Sandy, kind of. "It really was the perfect storm" Caroline mentions with a grin, connecting the superstorm that swallowed the Northeast into a sinkhole of chaos and death to her former beef with Teresa. Awesome. They all laugh and laugh at that, and Juicy Joe grills some shit and all the kids run around the wood deck and throw bread into the marina for the seagulls.

Eli: Just to be clear, this is the point at which we're supposed to understand that this whole season has been a metaphor for Hurricane Sandy. Which is like trying to say your hiccups are a metaphor for waterboarding. Also, Juicy Joe REALLY hates when people feed seagulls. I can just imagine him in tighty-whities, hiding under the dock waiting for daybreak. "I'll get you lil' food snatchas, I tell ya," he murmurs to himself.

Carey: Juicy and Teresa walk to the far end of the deck, in a moment that was clearly filmed and added following the media leak of their most recent and most dire legal woes. Joe tells Teresa he'll always take care of her and the kids, and that everything is going to be all right, and I really wished their deck had detached from their pretend-shore house and they floated away from everything and everyone, into the bay and past the inlet, drifting farther and farther out until they were gone. Just gone.

"What ever happened to the Giudices?" someone would ask Rosie, years from now, at that strange tavern in the woods she and Teresa met at once. "Dey're gone," Rosie would say back, not turning her head. "Gone to Italy?" the person would ask again, determined in their probing. "I said dey're just gone. Ya got it?" Rosie would say firmly, finishing her gin and tonic in one robust slurp. Rosie pays her tab and walks out onto the porch of the tavern, pulling her navy blue sweater over her head before lighting a cigarette. She looks up at the trees above her, slightly exposed by the tavern lights. She doesn't know where Teresa and Joe are. They're really gone. But she hopes they're happy. Kim D. the crow, perched on the highest branch of an oak tree, looks down at the ember of Rosie's cigarette -- just a small orange dot from that high up. She wonders where Teresa is now, too. She hated Teresa, and Caroline, and Rosie; Kathy, and Jacqueline and Melissa; Penny and Jan -- all of them. She lets out a small caw, looking out across the the endless rows of thinning trees, to the pale neons of the interstate, leading over the Hudson and the orange glow of Manhattan. Nothing belongs to her, but at least she can see the lights.

Eli: Please. We both know Rosie only drinks Rusty Nails.

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