Quarantine Diaries: Jill Kargman

Quarantine Diaries: Jill Kargman

Intro by Abby Schreiber

If anyone can make 24 mind-numbing hours of a life in quarantine funny, it's the comics we've asked to share a daily snapshot of what they're eating, doing, watching, thinking and Googling while under lockdown (or "Phase 1"…).

As the creator, writer, producer and star of Bravo's Odd Mom Out, Jill Kargman played a fictional version of herself in a series that delightfully skewered the customs, snobberies and anxieties of wealthy Upper East Siders. While the show may have wrapped its run in 2017, Kargman is back satirizing that same Park Avenue set but this time in character as 'Dzanielle,' a cluelessly privileged, Soulcycle tank top-wearing one-percenter with a thick "New Yawk" accent and misplaced priorities during the pandemic.

Kargman's shrewd depictions of this milieu come, in part, from a life growing up (and going to private schools) in Manhattan and a career working in magazine journalism before she transitioned to writing novels and books of essays. (If you haven't already read them, her essay collections -- Sometimes I Feel Like a Nut and Sprinkle Glitter On My Grave -- are the perfect quarantine reads.) You can follow Kargman's adventures -- and Dzanielle -- here.

8:00-9:00 AM

Wake up like a fucking Disney Princess when the cartoon bluebirds chirp my ass awake.

9:07-9:30

Lie there and check social media.

9:32 AM

Shuffle on down the hall and hear my three teenagers in zoom school and my husband in Zoom meetings. Four loud voices in the hall as I head to the kitchen.

9:35 AM

Inhale a tsunami of coffee through a trough of Grady's cold brew from Fresh Direct with half 'n half and vanilla syrup. Read the NY Times for a half hour or so.

10:00 AM

Attempt and fail to do a workout of some sort. Chat with friends and read magazines.

10:30 AM

Text the latest Trump memes about injecting yourself with Clorox.

11:32 AM

I'm a Cuomosexual who tuned in every day to get giddy when NY1 interrupts itself to go live to Albany. The Love Gov owns my ❤️. Such a better leader than Mango Mussolini and his strength is HAWT.

12:16-12:37 PM

When Andrew Mark Cuomo is done with questions - Lunch! Egg salad or scrambled eggs, usually. I'm a shittyass cook so you will not see my loaves of banana bread or julienned vegetables for dinner on Insta.

After Lunch 

Open my computer and attempt to shit out some writing. Rage at all the people who sent me that fucking meme saying Shakespeare shat wrote King Lear during quarantine implying I should take this time to shit out some magnum opus.

3:00 PM

Film my Dzanielle schtick for daily Instagram stories. Dzanielle is a character I workshopped at my show at the Carlyle who is a spoiled whiny Upper East Sider (who is more upset about needing pedicures than body count) -- a type I am steeped in and love to satirize.

4:00 PM

FaceTime my parents in California and scream at them if they left the house.

4:59 PM

Take out corkscrew and hover above wine bottle until...

5:00 PM

Open wine and guzzle

6:30 PM

Watch Lester Holt broadcast. Scream bloody murder during Trump parts because he is a Nazi-defending, paper-towel-chucking, Chick-Fil-A-slurping boor, bore, and boar.

7:00 PM

Scream my larynx out while my son bangs a pan with a wooden spoon to cheer health care workers. Feel less #aloneTogether and more together together.

7:02 PM

Come back inside and make or order dindin. Stare at freezer deciding which ice cream to scarf and regret scarfing.

8:00 PM

Re-binging Game of Thrones with my son and then Peaky Blinders with my daughter. Having different shows with different kids is fun but books my whole evening.

11:00 PM

The Daily Social Distancing Show with Trevor Noah

11:34 PM

Jimmy Fallon, at home which is the absolute cutest.

12:30 AM

Seth Meyers until I reach for eye mask and a small pillow I put on whichever ear is up to block my husband's snores...have dreams of parties, restaurants, dancing, and travel where my dream-self suddenly freaks out we are all not social distancing.

Photo via Getty

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