Mr. Mickey Answers All Your Burning Questions

By Mickey Boardman
Dear Mr. Mickey,
I'm a gym rat and put a lot of time and effort into the maintenance of my bod. I want to get a new swimsuit this season and I'm tempted to buy a Speedo for the first time, but don't want to look cheesy (particularly since I live in a conservative Midwestern town). What do you think?

To Speedo or not to Speedo?
Signed,
- Mr. Banana Boat


Dear Mr. Boat,
As Mr. Mickey spends much of his time in Europe, he's naturally more accustomed to the continental cut of swimwear. MM also spends time in male strip clubs so he's accustomed to the leopard print lycra spandex thong as well, but that's another story! Most Americans, however, are freakishly squeamish about seeing a man in an itsy bitsy teeny weeny mankini. If you can handle the stares and giggles, you go right ahead and buy that Speedo! Mr. Micks loves to see a sexy man showing off a hot body on the hot sands. You can also try a 1950s trunk silhouette, which combines the clingy butt-hugging fit of a Speedo but gives a tiny bit more coverage. That way everyone will get a very nice view of your merchandise but you'll feel a little less like a Chippendale. Who would have ever thought Mr. Mickey, of all people, would ever advise someone to look less like a Chippendale? Wonders never cease!

Dear Mr. Mickey,
How do I become a Beautiful Person in Paper?

Signed,
- Beautiful Person-in-Training


Dear BPiT,
Once when asked this question, Paper's co-founder David Hershkovits responded, "Sleep with Mr. Mickey." Or did he say, "Speak to Mr. Mickey?" Either way, you have to do something mouth-related with MM, it seems. Don't you just adore the Beautiful People issue? We love to find people who are leaders in their fields, part of a creative community and are doing something super interesting. Maybe you can design a line of eco-friendly jockstraps that have built in Wi-Fi that connects with your Grindr, Vine, Twitter and Instagram? Or maybe you can team up with the stepdaughter of the drummer from a famous punk band and open a study center in Greenpoint that teaches vegans how to communicate telepathically with their pets? Whatever the case you just have to do fabulous work!

In other news, Mr. Mickey is working on "MM's Best Butt issue" for next year and is now accepting pitches -- in case you can't figure out something to get you into the Beautiful People issue. There's more than one path to paradise!

Dear Mr. Mickey,
I'm so sick of my wardrobe and need to update my closet. What are some new looks for spring that you think I should try?

Signed,
- Closet Case


Dear CC, Well, there are a few looks that have gotten Mr. Mickey's style juices flowing lately. One is pants for evening. Mr. Mickey is talking about pairing tuxedo pants with halter tops at The Academy Awards. MM was also inspired by Rodarte's tie-dyed pilgrim dresses and would give the high-fashion hippie look a try. But it has to be rich-lady hippie, like a San Francisco heiress wearing a Missoni take on tie-dye or some such. It's all about the high-low or doing the opposite of what's obvious. Rich hippie. Pants for evening. Neither makes sense but both are fabulous.So, pick any scenario or fashion look and ask yourself what the absolutely wrong thing to do with it would be and, there, you have a new look!

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