Mr. Mickey Answers All Your Burning Questions

By Mickey Boardman


Dear Mr. Mickey,
I'm a huge fan of the show Girls. I feel like I'm a Marnie, but my boyfriend got drunk and told me I'm a Hannah. Should I break up with him?

Signed,
-Bruised in Bushwick

Dear B in B,
Mr. Mickey is a slavishly devoted fan of Girls, but MM doesn't really understand why you would proudly proclaim to be either one of those delightfully misguided gals. Although the program has brought us countless hours of hipster hilarity, MM must admit that he really wouldn't care to be friends with any of the female characters. And anyway what is this obsession we have with identifying with TV characters? I'm a Samantha! I'm Dorothy Zbornak! I'm a Phaedra with a donkey booty! Really, the U.S. of A.'s biggest problem is that we're a Sex and the City episode and we all think we're Carrie. In reality, we're all Miranda.

Dear Mr. Mickey,
I hate to exercise, but last month a friend dragged me to Soul Cycle, and I. Am. Hooked. It's taking over my life. Every Monday, I obsessively sign up for the classes and it's draining my bank account. I've even declined dates when they've interfered with my spinning routine. Do you think I have a problem?

Signed,
-Soul Sister


Dear Soul Sister,
You know, being a recovering addict himself, Mr. Mickey should probably preach to you about the joys of moderation. Then again, MM has always felt that moderation is for pussies. Honestly, you're addicted to a form of exercise -- not bath salts. Nonetheless, the problem with cuckoo-bananas embracing a new obsession is that we can get burnt out and drop the new hobby just as quickly as we embraced it. It's great that you're obsessed and are getting healthy pedaling yourself into a schvitz next to some of the Naked City's most glamorous fashion victims. You can't put a price on social climbing! But you want to be fit and socially connected for life, so every now and again remind yourself that you're in it for the long haul. Maybe you should try to mix it up with some non-Soul Cycle exercising. It's good not to put all your cardio eggs in one basket, as it were. But basically, MM says keep up your borderline-mental obsession with Soul Cycle. Any addiction that makes your butt look cute in your J Brand jeans can't be bad!

Dear Mr. Mickey,
I recently applied for a great-sounding job and aced my first round interview. They've asked me back for a second round but, to my horror, the next person I have to meet with is someone I used to date. It wasn't ever serious, but...it ended badly. And embarrassingly. Do I go through with the interview? Should I decline the offer knowing I might perpetually feel uncomfortable in that office environment? Help!

Signed,
-Working Girl


Dear Working Girl,
I guess Mr. Mick's mum was right when she said being an evil slut could come back to bite ya in the ass! Kidding! MM is sure you were just a slut and most likely not particularly evil. Luckily, Mr. Mickey has mostly slept with low-level clerks and illegal aliens so he's never had this problem. Also, Paper is really the only employer MM has ever had. But then, we're talking about you, dear. As always, MM thinks the best approach is to be honest and forthright. Email your former flame and let him (or her) know that you're coming in for an interview and that you hope it doesn't cause any embarrassment for anyone. Or if that seems too heinous to contemplate, you can contact the person who did the first interview and give them a heads-up that you've slept your way through most of the Tri-State area and it might be best to have a cloistered nun or a eunuch conduct your interview. After all, better safe than sorry!

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