The good (or bad) people who brought you the poorly received Elizabeth Taylor movie with Lindsay Lohan, the poorly received Grumpy Cat movie, and the extremely poorly received Aaliyah movie are ready to bring you another bizarre piece of entertainment that appears to have been extracted from the subconscious of a '90s kid who passed out from doing too many shots of Everclear: a movie about Full House. Now, Lifetime has released the first cast photos from The Unauthorized Full House Story, and they are terrible.
The cast seems about right for a Lifetime production -- the actors playing Bob Saget, John Stamos, and the rest of the gang basically look like a series of Madame Tussauds' exhibit carved from memory. It's really weird. Almost as weird as the fact that, in what will surely not prove a massive disappointment to tens of thousands of people, Full House is already coming back to Netflix as Fuller House. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, the two members of the Full House who have definitively refused participation in the sequel series, will not have anything to do with this version either, other than, we assume, casting a hex on everyone involved. Check out another photo below, then find a bucket to vomit your childhood into.
And as a palate cleanser, watch this video, which is better than not only Fuller House and the Full House Lifetime movie, but also both the original Full House and House of Cards combined. [photos and nightmares via Lifetime]