Kool A.D. Forecasts Your September Horoscopes

by Kool A.D.

VIRGO


Get a flip phone. Eat a dragon fruit. Watch some Charles Manson interviews. Listen to the Beach Boys. Put some dog shit in a paper bag, light it on fire and put it in front of a police station. Go fishing.

LIBRA

Take a long walk. Wear a lot of white. Drink hella tea. Easy on the dairy and meat. This is more of a fruit and vegetable time for u. Do yoga. Watch Straight Outta Compton. Listen to The Predator by Ice Cube. Play the piano. Travel south at some point this month. Try to channel Jaden Smith in the white Batman costume at Kimye's wedding.

SCORPIO

Buy a phone charger and a Guadalupe candle. Light the candle on the way home, blow it out when u pass the police station, re-light it again after u pass the police station. Read the Koran. Quit drinking. Go to a Buddhist temple. Listen to Prokopiev and Rachmaninov. Like Pisces u should also be listening to a lot of Thelonius Monk. Smoke a cigar with an Aquarius.

SAGITTARIUS

Watch that Nina Simone documentary. Listen to hella Lil B. Drink 8 glasses of water a day. Steal a drone from RadioShack and set it on fire. Put a pepperoni pizza slice under the windshield wiper of a cop car like it's a parking ticket. Go to a Filipino restaurant.

CAPRICORN

Fuck a Cancer. Move to Mexico. Watch that classic Chomsky Foucault debate on YouTube. Convert to Zoroastrianism.

AQUARIUS

U have some new business opportunities arising, they should pan out with some patience and an ability to roll with the punches. This is rarely a problem for Aquarians. Just remember, don't undersell urself, know ur worth and add some tax on that. If one party can't afford ur assistance, another party will come along that can. Smoke a cigar with a Scorpio.

PISCES

In addition to being a big psychedelics and guns sign, Pisces can have strong cocaine and amphetamine seasons. Chances are u just came out of a long one so I'd recommend just regular weed and watching old black and white movies while listening to Thelonius Monk records. Read something by David Foster Wallace. Watch the DFW biopic, it's fuckin hilarious. Read some Kafka. Read some Angela Davis.

ARIES

Light a Virgen de la Regla candle on the new, half, and full moons. Paint a mermaid on the side of a blue motorcycle. Buy silver early in the month. Sell silver later in the month. Buy a chair, bench or wicker love seat and put it in front of ur spot.

TAURUS

Go swimming with a Libra. Text a Gemini. Play dominoes with an Aquarius. Lend money to an Aries. Take a Scorpio out to breakfast. Get an oil change. Watch a Fellini movie. Get a tattoo.

GEMINI

It's been proven time and time again that time doesn't exist, there's no distinction between the past, present and future, memory is a living organism of moments, god is a network of stories, etc. It's stages and ages, baby, it's stages and ages. Listen to some Richie Rich, drink a glass of water. Light a pink candle on the New Moon. Read some Sartre, listen to Bone Thugz. Consider the Bentley Drivers, the evil levels. It's hot or cold, baby. Like Pac said, "You could run the red lights but peep the street signs." Imagine a language with no word for "control." Consider the self as the other. Consider existence as one universal self. Accept all gifts. Never be afraid to ask for help. We are one organism helping itself to one eternal cosmic pasta dinner baby mama mia.

CANCER

First off, thanks for everything but especially thanks for being u. Get some dim sum at the Ranch 99 mall with a Scorpio, Gemini and Libra. Listen to Gounod's Faust, Gregorian Chants and also Thelonious Monk like Pisces and Scorp. Learn to "code" whatever that actually means. Keep doing u. Cook a meal for ur mom or a woman u look up to.

LEO

Do some Chinese calligraphy. Hit up a couple art museums. Do 50 push-ups. Watch Blood In Blood Out. Listen to some Herbie Hancock, some Chick Corea and some Flower Traveling Band.

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