Trouble with love? Work problems? Mercury retrograde? Don't worry. Rapper, author and expert astrological navigator, Kool A.D. will safely guide you through the coming month.

SAGITTARIUS

Ay so a few months back, I called the Presidency for Hillary Clinton, I figured since Hillary's a Scorpio and both the Sun and Mercury were in Scorpio on Election Day, a time where desires and ambitions are communicated intensely (for Scorpios especially), that she had it in the bag, but I forgot to also account for Election Day falling on the day Mars shifts from Capricorn (a deliberate, persistent energy) to Aquarius (a more chaotic sign) causing an erratic energy shift, that apparently was skrong enuf 2 tip the scales to ol' Fuckface von Clownstick. There's a shred of astrological hope tho. The Electoral College casts their ballots on the 19th as Mercury goes into Retrograde, which as u know, tends to fuck up well laid plans, so this second chaotic energy shift might could reverse the outcome. Write a letter to the electors HERE telling them how much of a mistake it is to let dude in the White House. But remember these are wild "patriotic" Republicans ur trying to convince and they already been getting death threats and shit so a gentle-yet-firm type approach might be best furl meh, peep game. U should also prob write to Congress, too. They have the power to stop this too, they just need one senator and one representative from any state to formally object to their states electoral votes, so there's that. But seeing how congress is majority GOP too, we're most likely still pretty much fucked. But at least it's a therapeutic way to pass the time. But who knows, maybe that Merc Retro will shake they asses up, too foggy for me to calculate at this juncture. Regardless turn up like its ya fuckin birthday, cuz it is, fuck anybody who think otherwise.

CANCER

The Mars shift from Cap to Merc I mentioned in the Sagittarius scope played out thusly, A Perfect Storm of Fake Ass American Democracy: Voter-ID voter suppression, crosscheck voter suppression (look up that terrifying lil hot mess if u ain't familiar), Comey last minute cock-blocking Clinton, the "shy Trumpkins"/"Silent Majority" pulling a terrifyingly well-writ "Reverse Bradley"-esque rope-a-dope, fogging the Dem Campaign War Room by lying to pollsters while claiming the pollsters themselves were lying, thuz skewing the polls both mathematically and psychologically, and not to mention the antiquated fuckery of the Electoral College, calling it for the loser by 2 million popular votes and counting, literally the most decisive popular vote margin in 140 years (the EC inflates votes in over 20 states as much 4 times the worth of votes in larger states, fuzzing the math so much u could actually still win with as little as 21% of the popular vote, it was invented essentially as a "Naw, never mind" clause for the founding fathers to safeguard against actual direct Democracy and to keep the sovereign states from abolishing slavery, pretty much contradicts the very constitution it was written into and should have been abolished long ago) and of course the DNC colluding to knock out Bernie out in the primaries (who most agree was the stronger candidate against Trump: better numbers, no scandals, energized base, etc., etc.), plus the slim win margins in Wisconsin (1%), Michigan (0.3%) and Pennsylvania (0.2%) have been called suspect due to disproportionate electronic ballot wins and paper ballot losses for Trump in otherwise blue counties, causing numerous analysts and officials to suspect either GOP, Russia, or both to have colluded to defraud the election... So yeah there's a million ways 2 steal and Trump used all of them, as is the American Tradish. But like I said, the real bad guy here is Mars shifting into Aquarius. So, what do u do now? Don't just sit around with a safety pin on ur L.L. Bean cardigan or whatever for 4 years waiting for Bernie Sanders to come back and save the day or Tim Kaine's boring ass or whichever other weak "safe" choice the out of touch ass DNC picks or whatever, buckle up and do ur fuckin thing. Keep a barrage of calls to ur local representatives rolling in, objecting to Trump's shitty proposed policies and hideous carnival of ghoulish demons he calls a cabinet: Bannon, Sessions, DeVos, Mnuchin. Read up on these assholes, they suck. Not to mention he's considering Palin, Petraeus, "Stop'n'Frisk" Giuliani--this is shaping up to be the most horrific White House since Reagan. This fool is dusting off the long forgotten, irrelevant racists of Christmas past and putting them in the highest office in the land, bruh, it's too devilish. So get some popcorn and strap urself in for a horrific hellride thru the torture chambers of The Myth of American Democracy. The broad strokes of history need that fool to be blasted all the way the fuck out of here. And make no mistake, if none of this E.C. fuckery works, it's still impeach the fucker, cause fuck that, no way, not in my house, get him out. Fools be like "But if we impeach Trump, we get Pence." Bruh, we already got Pence, least we could do is throw one of these freak fucktards out. Yes, Pence thinks u can electrocute the gay out of people and doesn't like the idea of women getting days off work after abortions. So yes that child-molester-looking-ass piece of shit deserves the shit kicked out of him, too, but like I said, HE IS ALREADY IN THE WHITE HOUSE NOW, and Trump picked him, and we need to make a global example of Trump and set a historical precedent that u can't say and do the shit he's said and done and win the presidency. These ideologies and behaviors can't get rewarded. And we'll deal with Pence next. And fools be saying "But impeaching Trump would start a Civil War." Bruh, it done BEEN Civil War; police killing black, brown and native people in the streets at disproportionately high rates without repercussion (and yeah they kill a lot of white people too, sure), as well as enslaving black, brown and native people at disproportionately high rates (and yeah they enslave a lot of white people too), but on top of all that, this year hate crimes spiked 89% since Trump was NOMINATED, and the amount of hate crimes in the few days since he won are already higher than those after 9/11. Bruh these peckerwoods Do (handclap emoji) Not (handclap emoji) Play (handclap emoji). The war been going. And frankly I think he'd be relieved to get impeached, he knows as well as anybody else he don't belong there. So yeah, like I said, the war done been going, lulls here, skirmishes there, America was never great, ask any descendent of slaves and they'll tell u. It's always been this ugly, somebody just flicked on the light switch, the beast rolled over and displayed his gnarly underbelly. So stay safe out there y'all. Learn some karate, some kung fu. What else? Oh yeah, Boycott all this shit. Divest from corporate banks, buy local, bank black and/or credit union, work in/start/support co-ops, unionize, re-unionize if ur union wack, a union ain't shit but 10 dudes sitting in a bar bullshitting anyway, mass boycotts, general strikes, mass tax resistance, DIY errythang, urban gardening, solar panels, go off grid, fuck it, run for office, go to town hall meetings, do anything and everything. And if u know me, u know I been saying all this for years, this ain't start with Trump. Do anything to remove ur money from these powers that be. The system runs on our money so major divestment needs to occur to starve it. And I heard some folks say "Protest is Dead" or "protest does nothing" naw FUCK THAT, go out and be counted. Only weirdo squares who feel awkward hanging out in large crowds of people say that. Protesting is a civic duty in these times, like voting, and like voting it is largely symbolic, but it still has actual utility as a barometer of what the people will not take. Yeah, it might be boring sometimes and the chanting and bullhorn shit might get old and churchy but that's just some shit to do to pass the time while ur out there, just think of it as a big ass free music festival. Burn some tree and kick it out of doors with some other fools that also agree shit is wack, grab the aux cord, DJ the protest, juggle, bring a football, play a pick-up game, do whatever u want but show up, fools need to see people en masse in the streets, actual human bodies showing themselves as against this shit (and I'm talking all protest, Wall Street, Black Lives Matter, DAPL, Flint, all of it). There needs to be a global/historical record of dissent here or this shit gets even further normalized than it already has. And if u still snicker at the word "normalize" it's because u ur simple and u urself have been normalized and ur lazy ass thinking has been too. Shut the fuck and listen to the fucking people around u. Because without people marching in the streets holding signs, ur average Joe (or most importantly, ur average Joe's kids who have way less of a frame of reference for this type of shit filed away in their memory banks) flick on the TV and there's no visual marker, no illustration, no expression of people saying how fucked this is and how people don't like it and they start thinking, "maybe I'm getting all worked up for no reason and this isn't a big deal." Naw dude, it is a big deal. It's somewhere between borderline to full blown Nazi shit going on, u can't take this shit lying down, turn the fuck up.

SCORPIO

U know what, fuck that, ur the president. The idea of the president being anybody but u is ridiculous. So some other fool halfway across the country, who u never met in ur life and never will is like, ur boss? And he doesn't even pay u? Matter fact, u pay him? Fuck outta here with that bullshit, no way patna, sit all the way the fuck down, not wavy. Ur first day in office, kick up ur legs on the solid oak desk and think about what u fina do the next 4 years. What promises have u made leading up to now that got u to where u are? How are u going to fulfill those obligations? What's the plan? Don't overthink it, a good prez need a cool hand, easy does it, let the decisions come naturally from an organic politic within u. But maintain a critical editor's ear and eye for laziness, too. It's a fine line, we all walk that razor edged ying yang called life. Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonite. Go on a press junket, a whirlwind tour of the constituency, glad handing, baby-kissin, whole nine, turn up the swag. Grind the 16 stair rail of life. Do the work, do the knowledge.

GEMINI

There is no president. Abandon President Consciousness. The word "anarchy" simply means "no kings," so like no hierarchy, so like basically equality, essentially peace. People have conflated anarchy with chaos when it's no such thing, they've twisted the anarchist image into some rich, white, suburban, Guy Fawkes mask wearing molotov cocktail lobbin' Occupy Bro when in actuality they come in every shape, size and hue with countless nuanced interpretations of the ideology. Anarchist is not a slur, anarchy is not a dirty word. Listen to that new Zion I. The Labyrinth. Smoke weed erryday etc. haha Listen to some old Gang of Four. Listen to L.A. Witch, Elis Regine, Shonen Knife. Take some naps, drink a lot of distilled, purified water, meditate for an hour a day, take some long walks in the woods like Hillary Clinton, haha. Read The Neverending Story, then watch the movie on mute while listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Write a kid's book. Literally do whatever.

LEO

Castro's dead but don't trip, he was old and washed up anyway. Probably been dead like 10 years already to be perfectly honest. Matter fact he probably still alive tho. Death is a lie bruh, ask Pac, he out there in Cuba right now with Castro and the O.G. Gucci (not the 2016 Gucci clone that dropped "Everybody Looking" which was still fire btw, clone technology is perfect now, but that's neither here nor there). Castro's like the Cuban Kanye, he do too much but he do got bangers tho. He's like Eminem, I respect the bars but I don't play the albums. He's like Drake, his fans know he fake and they don't care. Politics is pro wrestling, Castro's like the Iron Sheik. Remember Fidel Sierra? Anyway... But on the real tho fuck the white Miami gusanos with Trump signs that was dancing around in Little Havana when Castro died, that corny as fuck, get a life. Nigga wasn't Hitler, he was just a hotheaded rich boy pretending to be a communist. At least he had some bars. Those early Castro mixtapes? Fuego. He was just shiiiittin on American Imperialism. Guest verses from Malcolm X, Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Nelson Mandela? Not mad at that. Sent aid to South Africa, Liberia, Guinea, Haiti? No doubt, thaswasup. Gave Assata asylum? Wavy. Meeting the Pope in an Adidas tracksuit? That's hip hop. The fact that much of the top brass of his revolutionary team he came up with ended up dead or disappeared? Suspect, to say the least. The fact that he survived like 600 assassination attempts? I ain't finna lie, that shit was pretty swaggy. They tried to kill him with an exploding cigar one time like the nigga was Bugs Bunny, literally tried to drop a piano out a window on his casket the other day on some Looney Tunes shit, u can't even make this shit up, or maybe u can, I think I read the piano thing on a fake news site but it's funny so I'll leave it in. One thing that wasn't so groovy was he killed hella people ("...but they were all bad." -Arnold Schwarzenegger, True Lies), but then again, so did Batista, who was the dude Castro knocked out the spot in the verse place. As it stands right now, not one single major world leader has avoided exploiting it in some form or another. Also should note that Bama also exonerated more prisoners than all of the rest of the US presidents combined, u gota take what u can get. But on the real, USA killed 300 million people ON RECORD in the last half decade alone, is a major world leader in incarceration and police brutality, can't provide clean drinking water to over 45,000 municipalities nationwide, still can't figure out universal free healthcare, is one of the least educated nations in the "developed" world, had been plundering Cuba's resources at the expense of its workers since before Batista, helped install Batista as their puppet, bruh the most egregious violations of human rights to ever occur on Cuban soil were perpetrated by Americans in the infamously brutal military prison in Guantanamo Bay where hundreds upon hundreds have been imprisoned and tortured for years without trial, so if ur American maybe ask ur mans and them what's good before u get up in somebody else business. All that poverty over there? Attributable to the U.S. imposed embargo more than anything else. And yes, Castro fancied himself some kind of papal philosopher king but could not and did not live up to the lofty ideals he espoused, and yes, armed revolution will always leave a nation emotionally scarred in ways it takes generations to recover from, and yes dude shoulda took the backseat to a more lateral, participatory style of government and yes his ego made him completely incapable of doing just that and no, he was by no means anywhere near a real communist end of the day (we've yet to see one in history, and we've yet to see a real democracy either), but no, just because he sucks doesn't mean communist ideologies are inherently bad, and I feel like that single distinction is one that few Americans seem capable of making. Universalizing health care and higher education in Cuba helped create one of the greatest medical schools in the world, virtually eliminated Cuban child malnourishment, lowered Cuban child death rates to the lowest in the Americas, lower than fuckin Cambridge Massachusetts my dude, lowered illiteracy to levels lowest in the Americas, made advances in vaccines and cancer research, etc., etc. Take what u can get, etc., etc. I guess what I take issue with is Americans using Castro as a cautionary tale against Communism, which he was not, he was a cautionary tale against totalitarianism and the cult of personality. The only times he actually succeeded were the times when he actually acted like the communist he kept insisting he was. And to be honest, the positive aspects of Cuba's medical and educational systems are not attributable to Fidel Castro the dude so much as the inevitable eventualities of walking the walk of the Communist ideology the Revolution was founded on, and yes dude could and should have walked the walk much more to match how much he talked the talk, but a small Caribbean nation cutting off the umbilical cord of American Imperialism was and still is a historically unprecedented and unparalleled move that shouldn't be sneezed at no matter how sloppily it's pulled off, and shit, America barely tries to talk the talk regarding poor and working people let alone get anywhere near walking the walk. Y'all mad dude stayed in charge for like half a century? Both the dictators before him were trying to do the same thing while being in the pocket of the United States, and before that, Spain was pimpin the isle. And how about the fact that literally every last single fucking President of the United States (except for Martin Van Buren for whatever reason) is related to King John the 8th of England, signer of the Magna Carta, look that shit up, no lie. So shit's deep. As far as dictators go, Castro was no Hitler, no Mussolini, no Franco, no Stalin, no Hussein, he was a just a green fatigues pimp, a pseudo-socialist rhetorician with no hand for subtlety or nuance, loudly giving eloquent lip service to the needs of their poor, working, black, brown and oppressed constituency while still hypocritically benefiting from the luxuries afforded by power within those very same oppressive systems, so concerned with the broad strokes that the small brush gesture suffers, a frustrating testament to the fact that power (absolutely) corrupts, that no grand ideologies can replace simple common day-to-day, neighborly human decency, that the best intentions applied without nuance make for huge mistakes, that an ideal world has no leaders and no followers, no kings, just people, but the world is and always has been far from ideal. But what do I know? What does anybody know? Nothing. I'm just riffin man. Ay Snoop, leave Kaepernick alone, this is America, he can wear whoever he want on his t-shirt, maybe ask urself why Malcolm X fucked with Castro in the first place. This my Pablo tour rant. Castro I know u alive still and u got shooters, don't send em at my head, etc., etc. I'm a fool man this a freestyle, real hip hop, yes yes y'all, no kings so we all kings furl meh, and queens too, furl meh, every individual person is the same universal god expressed in a different rare snowflake, we are the world, stop the violence, increase the peace, freedom is a process, love one another, death is nothing, Castro ain't Cuba, Cuba is Cuba, A lush Taino island in a big blue salty sea, Europeans sailed up to it on they lil ships filled with chained African slaves, tried to colonize, brutalize, imperialize, but the sand and the soil and the palms and the brite blue skies were born free and could never be chained, the people that found themselves there lived and loved and laughed and danced and sang and all that regardless who was trying to crack a whip against they backs, and that's how it will forever be, people existing and finding happiness in whatever way they can, against any chain or whip conceived of in the lexicon of colonial power. Obama ain't America, Trump ain't America, Clinton ain't America, Bush ain't America, shit America ain't America, ain't nobody shooting no arrow into no deer 400 years ago that had an inkling of an idea who the fuck Amerigo Vaspucci was. Governments across the world are just high ceilinged buildings filled with boring paperwork and rich assholes for the most part. What those fools really need to be doing in congress is printing up these horoscopes I been writing and reading them out loud on they lil oak podiums, scratching they head asses wondering how ur boy could have so many solid gold bars flowing so effortlessly from him, that's what them fat cats in Washington need to be concerned with, determining just how and why KOOL A.D. Is the best rapper in the damn world.

AQUARIUS

Minority gun sales are up 400% of course. December is a big gun month for Aquarius. Take a three day backpacking trip through a mountainous region. Go deer hunting. Read The Terror Network by Claire Sterling. Read the Autobiography of Malcolm X. Read the Art of War by Sun Tzu. Read the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tse. Read Mahatma Gandhi's autobiography. Read Martin Luther King's autobiography. Read Blood in My Eye by George Jackson. Read Soledad Brother by George Jackson. Read Angela Davis's autobiography. Or whatever, do whatever. You owe a Scorpio 140 bucks but don't pay them back, that same Scorpio owes u a lot more from before.

ARIES

Aries will weather this Mercury Retrograde the best out of all the signs, not saying it will be hella easy cause it never is but it's not going to be the shitshow for y'all that it will be for everybody else. Everybody will be losing they shit and you'll be the calm in the eye of the storm in comparison. People will be wilding out so much they might not even think to ask u for help, and that's fine, let them figure it out for themselves, just focus on the work u've been crackin away at the past few months, it will go a little slower but you'll be learning a lot. December 2016 is a cold one. 2016 has been total trash astrologically speaking but after the rain there's gota be a couple flowers, look out for those and smell the fuck out of them when u see them. Just keep setting the table, a swaggy supper soon approacheth. Spend some quality time with a Scorpio or two. Give a solid bear hug to a Libra. Watch an old movie you've seen hella times. Drink hella tea this month. Keep making comfort a priority. Self-care is revolutionary, ya tu sabe.

PISCES

The Army Corps of Engineers has denied the Easement of the Dakota Access Pipeline, halting construction and ostensibly forcing a reroute of the pipeline. This is a victory for the Standing Rock Water Protectors but it doesn't assure that the pipeline will not be built. The camp is staying put for now. If ur not familiar with what's been going on at Standing Rock than u must have been living UNDER an actual Standing Rock past few months but to catch up anybody that ain't know, militarized police have been attacking various Native American tribes and other protestors with water cannons, rubber bullets, tear gas, flash grenades (even blowing one protestor's arm off) for objecting to the illegal installation of the Dakota Access Pipeline on treaty-protected lands, which would desecrate sacred burial grounds and poison sacred waters. What just happened, astrologically speaking, is the Army said they wouldn't help protect the Dakota Access LLC (which is basically the Bakken oil company and their partners) as they installed the pipeline. Without this protection, it seems likely that they'll reroute, but nothing's final still, and the Water Protectors are still kicking it there til the pipe is out of the ground. You can donate to The Standing Rock Medics and Healers Council HERE. You can donate to the legal defense of Water Protectors who were arrested during the protests and have trials coming up HERE and HERE. You can donate to the Red Warrior Camp HERE. And if you want to support native rapper/activist/water protector Prolific pay his legal fees (I understand they're hitting him with some extravagant charges for being a vocal leader in the movement). Stay vigilant, Pisces, keep doin ur thing.

TAURUS

Set aside 20 minutes a day to sit in silence with ur eyes closed, focused on breathing in and out slowly. That's called meditating and it's hella easy and genuinely life-changing in ways u can only understand when u do it. The stresses of this world are essentially illusory. Any problem presented to u in life can be solved thru meditation, calm deliberation, and a detached egoless compassion.

CAPRICORN

The nature of reality is flux. Luckily, Capricorns are natural surfers, Chaos Pilots of the Everlovin' Super Soul, so all u have to do is be u. Remove the roadblocks of ego and desire. Understand ur subjective truth and how it applies to the world at large. U are of this world and in this world and this world is u and u are it. Embrace the changes.

VIRGO

Love prismatic, the beautiful heartsongs pouring from the soul's magnanimous caverns, the glittering jewels of truth majestic, the raw power of peace in all its brilliant bioluminescence, the fire flame delicious, the licking heat of beauty, the self induced hypnosis of the meditating mind elaborate, please know and believe, trust and overstand, the flowers sway gently in their cosmic winds, the mountains thrust their nose up to the God ceilings, triumphant, all is one is you is peace baby, love.

LIBRA

Investing in green energy and technologies (wind, solar, water energies, water purification, etc.) and divesting from pollution heavy fossil fuel industries like coal and oil will not only help reverse some of the ecological disasters caused by the fossil fuel industries but also provide new jobs for the workers in those industries, as well as more new jobs in addition those, as well as decrease violence caused by economic competition in oil rich nations, which would allow for a decrease in military spending, which could than strengthen health, education, welfare programs which in turn wills decrease economic disparity, lowering crime, it's all one intricate thang. Strife begets strife and relief begets relief, reprogramming must occur across the board. Intersectionality is crucial to a cohesive global liberation movement. Keep warm, take naps, stay hydrated, self care, ya tu.

You May Also Like
Paper People 2020

PAPER People: @nmillz1

Creative direction by Agusta Yr / Styling by Erika Golcher