In Defense of Jessica Simpson Peeing on the Grass

Despite the fact that men have been whipping out their dicks to piss in bushes and alleyways forever, bored critics decided to come for the Open Book author for having a little fun on her feed, with comments ranging from the sarcastic “stay classy” to shame-y “attention seeking” accusations. So, as someone who’s also admitted to hopping behind trees for emergency pees, it got me thinking about how ladies are always on the receiving end of a raised eyebrow, while a guy can do the same thing and no one even bats an eyelash.

In case you forgot, everyone pees. Sometimes though, nature will call at a very inconvenient time, and we’re forced to come to the realization that it’s way grosser to pee all over yourself than it is to just duck behind a shrub. So personally, I find Jessica’s post more refreshing than icky and, if we really want to intellectualize it, that’s even doper as a high-profile celebrity. She shared a funny, honest and relatable photo to an app that most people use to present a carefully curated version of themselves. And from one fellow “gross” girl to another, that deserves some respect!

​Admittedly, there was probably a bathroom on site; however, we also know that sometimes you just can’t make it to a toilet. Maybe she drank a little too much water and it suddenly caught up to her, or maybe she felt weird about inconveniencing dozens of people by pressing pause on an entire production, since they’d have to refocus the lenses and fix her glam before she could step back in front of the camera. Perhaps she’s one of the moms who still have trouble holding it in for long periods of time, which can last several years after giving birth. Or maybe her only option was a poop-filled porta-potty, where she’d have to do that awkward hover-squat anyway. So why not get some fresh air, rather than try to maneuver inside a hot plastic coffin that literally smells like industrial bleach and sunbaked shit? Which sounds better?

​Regardless of her rationale though, it’s also worth noting that what she did was pretty harmless. It’s not like she peed in a way that would actually affect someone else, like the poor maintenance guy who had to empty the mop bucket that Justin Bieber so gleefully turned into a chamber pot or the gloved-up CVS employee who had to throw away all the candy that was drenched in billionaire and convicted murderer Robert Durst’s pee. Instead, one could argue that Jessica simply watered the grass in a covered space and then uploaded the giggle-worthy moment to Instagram and, unlike Tommy Lee, no privates are in sight.

Even stranger is the fact that most of her critics are women, which makes me a little sad and a lot confused, since every gal knows that feeling of pure desperation while waiting in a bathroom line that’s a million miles long. Not only that, but the negativity also kind of gives me “girls don’t poop” vibes with a touch of snobbiness and a hint of internalized misogyny. It insinuates that Jessica is “trashy” while they’re “proper” ladies, who’d rather get a bladder infection than do what any normal person would do if required, let alone share the fact that they pee with the rest of the world! What would people think? Will they judge me as I’ve judged her? Oh God, where are my smelling salts?

But that’s the beauty of Jessica’s honesty. She’s a real one with a sense of humor, a person who’s learned not to take herself so seriously after years of meanies laughing at her over a stupidly branded can of tuna. So as one of Jessica’s fellow defenders wrote, “sheesh relax people” and go touch some grass — or maybe you can just pee on it.

Welcome to "Internet Explorer," a column by Sandra Song about everything Internet. From meme histories to joke format explainers to collections of some of Twitter's finest roasts, "Internet Explorer" is here to keep you up-to-date with the web's current obsessions — no matter how nonsensical or nihilistic.

Photo via Getty/ John Shearer