There are many beautiful things on the Internet. Videos of adorable dogs. Teenagers hatching delightful new memes. But maybe most beautiful of all are the deeply strange, convoluted conspiracy theories developed around otherwise unremarkable celebrities. These aren't your run of the mill "The CIA murdered Marilyn Monroe" These are impressive works of imagination and lateral thinking that can almost convince you that Avril Lavigne is dead and replaced by an almost-exact Avril doppelganger and that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer.

The latest of these conspiracies posits that JonBenet Ramsey, the child beauty pageant star who was murdered in 1996, was not actually murdered at all, but in fact became internationally-famous pop star Katy Perry. For a recent issue on "the Darker Web," the Daily Dot's Sunday magazine the Kernel did an exemplary dive into the JonBenet/Katy Perry truther internet to bring the rest of us sheeple up to speed.

If you've got some spare time and a high tolerance for conspiracy-theorist word-salad, by all means watch all the videos they uncovered below. If you're not ready for that, which is frankly understandable, we'll round up the salient points. Here, a condensed list of signs that Katy Perry is a grown up JonBenet, crying out for recognition:

  • Katy Perry's videos employ traditional themes and symbols of rebirth, like butterflies and phoenixes. (Presumably the "California Gurls" whipped-cream bra cannons fit into that somehow.)
  • Katy Perry referenced JonBenet Ramsey in her biography, saying "There was no JonBenet Ramsey inside of me waiting to burst out." (Classic misdirection.)
  • Both JonBenet Ramsey and Katy Perry knew the lyrics to "God Bless America."
  • They also both favor specific, not-at-all-generic themes in their costuming, including cowboy hats, crowns, patriotic ensembles, and black and white checkered fabrics.
  • Speaking of checkers, the graphic pattern appears not only in their costumes, but also the Perry's video sets, the Ramsey kitchen floor, and Masonic floors.
  • Katy Perry's eyebrows and JonBenet's eyebrows look very similar. If you believe, as YouTuber Jungle Surfer does, that the eyebrows you are born with are the ones you keep until your death, then...both of them have eyebrows.
  • JonBenet Ramsey and Katy Perry both have parents (!!!), and if you make extensive assumptions about aging and bodily transformations, they almost look like each other.
  • The Ramsey parents did not show sufficient emotion about their daughter to convince conspiracy theorists that their child was gone.

Of course, the usual conspiracy theory bogeyman make appearances in these videos. The Illuminati and the Masons are well-represented, and there are nods to contorted numerological signs that the Perry and Ramsey are inextricably linked. At the very least, these nightmare photoshops will convince you that overlaying one set of heavily made-up eyes and mouth over another set of heavily made-up eyes and mouth is just terrifying.

Katy Perry, if you're actually JonBenet, embed a more overt clue in your next video. What does Left Shark know?

You May Also Like