You would think that the Venn diagram circles of Tahitian vanilla-scented, pilates-toned, electrolyte tea-drinking, vagina-egging, bra-truthing Goop shoppers and the BDSM-inclined would repel each other like two positively charged atoms. And yet, today we discover that Gwyneth Paltrow's criminally suspect wellness empire is now offering luxury leather bondage gear for the kinky WASPS among us.

For sale on Goop.com are a "studded handle flogger" ($250), a "racy," buckle-adorned demi cup "web bra" ($312), and matching "o-ring cut out knickers" ($318). The lingerie comes only in a tasteful nude, and it's all handcrafted from English saddle leather.

The items leave you questioning, how did I find myself here, staring down the o-rings of BDSM gear designed and marketed to blonde perfumed, horseback-riding, goat-yoga-adept aspiring mommy bloggers?

But if you think about it, it all makes sense. Rather than being a bizarre anomaly, Goop BDSM gear reveals the depths of Gwyneth Paltrow's evil genius and her terrifying capacity to peer inside her hungry consumers' souls and see what they desire.

You see, the aspirational Goop Woman is expensive, well, aligned, perfumed, fit, exfoliated and perfect-looking, but also in-touch, progressive and culturally relevant (this is the company of a woman who "consciously uncoupled" with her ex-husband). Sex positivity is hip. Thus, Goop women do anal. Now, Goop ladies are now into being choked and spanked and BDSM is a part of their wellness praxis. Or at least, they're into owning bondage gear in order to subtly signal their superior sexual empowerment to their less hip friends. (Let's be honest, most of this inventory of floggers will probably be given as gifts at bachelorette parties in Hawaii).

It just goes to show that there's absolutely nothing Gwyneth can't display in a cursive font, whip up a breathy, tactile caption for, and hock to unsuspecting women for hundreds of dollars above market value. She's Goop-ified practices and traditions just about from every subculture, it was only a matter of time before she came for the way we fuck.

Photo via Getty

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