Dear Mr. Mickey,
I've yet to purchase the perfect weekend bag -- but, as you've said, we're in a nouveau recession. Can you recommend a bag for under $200 that will leave both the jitney JAPs jealous and the Fire Island queens speechless? -- Mr. Greenberg Goes to the Beach

Dear Mr. G,
MM thinks he actually called the current economic climate a nouveau depression! But like the great Sondheim lyric from Follies goes: "In the Depression was I depressed? Nowhere near! I met a big financier and I'm here!" OK, so Mr. Mickey hasn't met any financiers -- but where there's a will there's a gay! As for your query, MM thinks you might want to investigate your desire to make your fellow travelers jalouse. Is that what fashion is about for you? Or is it about buying and wearing things that you really love and that make you feel good when you wear them? Mr. Micks has recently pulled out his leopard-print LeSportsac with the bubble-gum pink MM embroidered on the side, because we all need a little lift and what better than a splash of animal print to achieve that goal? But back to your question... MM mentioned LeSportsac and j'adores what the kids are doing over there, particularly Miss Stella McCartney -- there's a name that will impress the jitney girls! Stella's bags are all cruelty-free and Le Sportsac is super-affordable so you can make the girls gag and stay within your new depression budget. As for the gays on Fire Island, try stuffing a foot-long sex toy into your Bermuda shorts. That's the kind of thing the gays really want to see and it will take their minds off the fact of your bag not being Balenciaga!

Dear Mr. Mickey,
I sweat like a beast. I use a prescription antiperspirant, yet people are still freaked out by the size of my pit stains. Besides putting maxi-pads under my armpits, are there man-shields I can buy for my shirts? Or are there shirts that come with pre-built-in underarm protection? Quick-dry oxfords?  ANYTHING! Please help me before I drown! -- Sweaty P

Dear Sweaty P,
With a name like that you should be a rap superstar! MM is sure you have a lot of shizzle up in your swirl -- or whatever it is the kids are saying these days. Mr. Mickey is no stranger to the issue of perspiration himself, which can really cramp a TV personality's style when she's taping an episode of VH1's Fabulous Life. How can an "expert" speak with authority about the number of Jacuzzis in Britney Spears's new Malibu house with a puddle of sweat glistening on her upper lip? MM's entire reputation as a scholar is at stake! What MM doesn't want you to do is use antiperspirant. Schvitzing is our body's way of cooling itself off, so we don't want to interfere with that. Perhaps you can carry around one of those mini-fans to hold up to the area producing the moisture? MM's doctor recently suggested Mr. Mickey get a blow-dryer for the areas south of the border (and MM is not talking about Guadalajara!), so really, the new look is all about air blowing! Good luck and keep MM posted with your precipitation levels!

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