Ye Olde Papere: Joey Arias Interviews Miss Piggy

Welcome to our new feature, Ye Olde Papere, wherein we pore over old issues of Paper magazine, looking for juicy nuggets from yesteryear to share with you. Today, we feature an interview between drag icon Joey Arias and timeless ingenue Miss Piggy from our February, 1999 issue. The piece was timed to the release of Muppets from Space and the launch of Piggy's perfume, Moi, which is a real thing that you can still buy. Though we think about Muppets at least two to three times a week, Miss Piggy and Co. have been particularly in the ether lately, with Jason Segel's upcoming November film revival, the Muppets, and, her royal pigness' appearance at Opening Ceremony's Fashion's Night Out Party at their Ace Hotel location September 8th. Here, we learn a little about her dark past and, ahem, what happens behind closed doors with Kermy.  


Although her millions of fans around the world can't remember a time when Miss Piggy wasn't a superstar, the glamorous leading lady hasn't always been in the pink. Born and raised on a farm, Miss Piggy enjoyed a typically happy agrarian childhood. Tragedy struck when she was six and her beloved father was killed by a tractor. Never close to her mother, Piggy was brokenhearted, finding solace only in her dream to become a star.

Miss P. left home as a teenager, having graduated from charm school, where she became the perfect lady. She gathered her courage and managed to find employment in retail, selling ladies' gloves. Miss Piggy was forced to pose for certain ads -- one of them for a bacon product.

Eventually, Miss Piggy's luck began to change when she moved to London and went to work in the chorus of the famed Muppet Show. And the rest is herstory!

When a superstar has conquered film, television and publishing, what's left? In Miss Piggy's case, the natural next step was the creation of her own signature fragrance, Moi. Yes, that's right. The Jim Henson Company, in association with Gendarne, has announced the creation of the first fragrance inspired by Miss Piggy, the original Babe, if you catch my drift....

So here it is, kids. I grew up watching Miss Piggy on The Muppet Show and never in a million years thought that I would be graced by a phone call from Miss. Her agents actually contacted moi at PAPER to see if I was interested in chitchatting with the other white meat! Of course I said, "Hell, yes!" So I thought it à propos for the February issue -- Valentine's Day -- to have you eavesdrop on our conversation, you filthy swine!

Joey Arias: It's a real pleasure and honor to speak to you!

Miss Piggy: Yes, I do know that.

JA: So, whatcha been doing?

MP: Moi has been very busy. I've been shooting my latest movie, Muppets from Space, which will be premiering in July. And I just spent three hours in makeup preparing for this interview. Even though this is a phone interview, I believe you have to look good to sound good.

JA: Don't you just love Valentine's Day?

MP: Of course. Valentine's Day is a day that all romantique individuals look forward to. And moi has a particular fondness for the day after Valentine's Day: That's when the big heart-shaped boxes of candy go on sale.

JA: How is your relationship with Kermit?

MP: Kermit and moiself are doing just fine, thank vous. We are forever linked emotionally and romantically. You're not talking to him, right?

JA: Maybe.... I know relationships can be difficult, but how do you juggle your personal and business life?

MP: It's all about priorities. I don't know exactly what that means, but I heard Oprah say it once, so I'll say that too.

JA: Have you toured to launch your new perfume, Moi?

MP: Moi did the usual press tour for Moi: The Tonight Show, the Today show, The name it, moi has done it. But believe me, if I didn't believe in the product, you wouldn't be able to drag me out of my warm, comfy bed to promote it.

JA: I'm sure many people would love to get your hoof signature. I know I would!

MP: When one is a superstar, one becomes accustomed to this type of request. Moi does not do autographs. However, one may view moi's image on the very first bottle of Moi -- it's a collectible, you know, every bottle is numbered -- which has been acquired as part of the Smithsonian Institution of American History in Washington, D.C.

JA: What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?  

MP: Moi's Concorde was re-routed to Paris instead of London, and moi was almost late for Prince Charles' birthday gala, where moi performed for his royal highness.

JA: Do you ever find yourself pigging out? You look so fab, girl.

MP: Moi is naturally fit, but moi did pick up some tips from Kathy Ireland and Vendela during the Baked Lay's potato chip campaign.

JA: I have this big show planned and  I would love it if you sang with  me! 'Cause, you know, I'm a singer! Let's talk!

MP: O.K. Have your people call my people's people. My people's people will contact your people, because people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.

JA: Tell me your fantasies.

MP: I would love to, but my agent is shopping my fantasies around to publishers for a multimillion-dollar book deal. You'll have to wait for the paperback.

JA: What's Kermit like in bed?

MP: Moi does not discuss such scurrilous gossip on celebrities and finds it completely distasteful and offensive...unless it's about someone else.

JA: Has the Jim Henson Company been treating you right?

: I'm sure they have...whoever they are.

JA: I have to tell you the truth: Angel by Thierry Mugler is my scent. But Moi is starting to enter my life! I think it's everlasting, just like you

: Thank vous, Joseph.

JA: Excuse me, Miss Thing, it's Joey. Any last words you would love to leave the PAPER readers with?

: I would like to thank all of moi's fans for their continuing devotion and support. Moi will continue to do everything in my power to entertain vous. You can do your part by buying my perfume. ★

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