I have no the fuck idea who Twitter user @dril is, but he's extremely funny and I enjoy following him on Twitter. Nobody knows who he is, but, through sinister back channels, PAPER was able to connect with this shadowy figure with the Nicholson avatar to explain how to actually shatter cyberspace.
1. "THE MANCHURIAN TEEN"
IF there is one thing we all know, it is that people on the internet can't get enough of watching teens react to things. And so we must raise a Teen, brainwashed from infancy, to flood YouTube with thousands upon thousands of teen reaction videos. As he inevitably generates some sort of movement, other teens will follow suit in exchange for vital social capital. Teens react to E. Coli Vaccination. Teens react to the Haymarket Affair. Eventually, teens will run out of things to react to and begin reacting to teens reacting to things. All data becomes obfuscated by reacting teens. The Serpent Consumes Its Tail
2. "SHIT DATA"
Ah this, now this is a good one. Simply broswse the net like a normal person until you locate a compromised integrity powerpoint within the net base structure, a crack in the cybersphere. You must then bombard this concentration of weakness with the arcane energy known as "Shit Data". It's easy. Simply pick up the microphone and say "Hello" into it like 5000 times. Or show off your collection of official Whataburger belt buckles to the webcam for about one year. These massive loads of undesirable data will cause the digital fault to murder itself and create a digital sinkhole, which will expand and engulf every crap website. Bye
3. "RISE OF ARPANET"
ARPANET, the predecessor to the internet as we know it, was developed by the US Military in the 1960s to segregate Secretary of State David Dean Rusk's outrageous opinions about Geritol from all productive discourse. It is written that if one were to locate the final remaining ARPANET server and impress it with a ritual sacrifice, it would rise from its dormant state and swallow the bastard internet whole with decades of pent-up Geritol-related vitriol. All the guys who tried to do this died though
HELL is not only Real, it is also perhaps our nation's most criminally underutilized resource. To enlist the underworld in your quest to end cyberspace, head on over to the official Denny's IRC channel. Once you have wasted the time of 666 customer associates, copy and paste the words "THE PIG BRIDE HOLDS HIGH THE PENUMBRAL HOURGLASS" three times into the chatroom, along with some crude ASCII pentagrams for good measure. This will piss off the Red Jackal, causing him to raise his quarterstaff and summon billions of Wi-Fi consuming locusts, whose sole purpose is to turn the whole wide web into their miserable diarrhea.
5. "GUN OPTION"
lock N load Baby, this is the good stuff. Head on down to your local gun store with the boys and outfit yourselves with the most bad ass pistols, rifles, grenade launchers, miniguns, sniper shotguns and regular shotguns. Go to the Central Core of the Internet in Antarctica and tell the guard that you're there to fix it. Once you gain access, unload millions of bullets into the god damn thing. I'm talking Dual Wield. I'm talking bigtime Barrel Tech's and Yakuzian Chamber Blows. Blast that good sweet lead into the core until its self-destruct sequence initiates. As the internet burns around you and you die, take solace in the fact that nobody will ever post rude opinions about our graceful Celebs ever again. Good night soldier, I Love you more than God.
PAPER's 5 Favorite Tweets By Dril: