"I do not cook. Ever," warned Jenny Johnson when PAPER and Canon dropped in on her recently at her Hollywood Hills home, where the Twitter super star agreed to teach us that existing on mostly microwavable food and take-out isn't anything for kitchen snobs to scoff at. It's an art. The hilarious Johnson, a former Texas news producer, rose to fame on Twitter for her acerbic wit and is now working full time as comedy writer in L.A.. The fact that she's cooking-averse and spends most of her days working at home on an upcoming book and television pilot, snacking away on popcorn and candy (Starbursts are her weakness), only made us all the more interested in her eating habits. PAPER and Canon equipped Jenny with a Canon PowerShot N digital camera and asked her to show us how to be ready to eat without ever cooking.
"The downside of living in the Hollywood Hills is that I'm out of range for a lot of delivery places. I have met food delivery drivers halfway in order to get a decent meal -- I always show up on my bike, it makes me look super tough."
"I never cook. Truly. I had been living here for a few months before a friend came over and was like, 'You know that your oven and stove don't work, right?' I had no idea."
Judge your grocery list. Then buy what's on it anyway.
"I go to to the grocery store and look at my list and it's like, 'Wow.' There's vodka, beer, Starbursts, Vitamin water zero, lots of gummy things, and then l get apples and peanut butter, because I feel like that combination is a snack success. The way I feed myself is truly hilarious. When I first moved out here, I went grocery shopping with a friend at Ralph's and I went to get 2% milk. She was like, 'Oh my god, get the organic milk! It's really good. And it lasts longer.' She totally sold me on it. So now I buy organic milk. And I feel like such a hippie."
"I own a juicer, but only because I wanted to have fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice with my vodka. Once I realized how much better it tasted I was like, 'Well, yeah -- I'll buy a juicer! That's fine. As long as I get to have this delicious drink that comes along with it, sure!'"
Also, my dog pees like a girl."
"I always need to move about the house while I'm working. I can't just sit in one place. I stop and play with my dogs or go on Twitter. Also, playing my drums helps with my writer's block. My neighbors don't seem to understand that. They just want me to shut up. They're so not supportive."
Fueled by gummy pandas, Jenny bangs out her writer's block.