2012 was the year of the celebrity bulge. From Jon Hamm's near-constant wardrobe malfunctions to David Beckham's full-frontal underwear ads, lots of stars left little to the imagination. Below, our definitive list of celebrity bulges of 2012, ranked in descending order.
15. Thom Evans
We barely know who Thom Evans
is -- a former rugby star, as it turns out
-- or what he does now, but
that doesn't stop us from appreciating his physique on the cover of Attitude
14. Henry Cavill as Superman
We're pretty sure that Henry Cavill is wearing a cup of some sort, but still: he can be our Man of Steel
13. Kris Humphries
isn't really our cup of tea -- he seems like kind of a dick. And speaking of dick, Humphries' underwear spread
in West East
magazine isn't too shabby.
12. David Beckham
On the one hand, David Beckham is fucking hot. On the other hand, we've seen Beckham's body
many, many times at this point and there's something a tad sterile about these ads, so
we're not feeling it as much as we maybe would in, say, 2010.
11. Matthew Morrison
This one might be a bit of -- ahem -- a stretch
. But we've always had a slightly embarrassing crush on Matthew Morrison and we're, how shall we say...happy to see this?
Sadly, this is the only bulge-related GIF in this post! As the folks at World of Wonder
so aptly put it, the only reason to see the train-wreck that is Adam Sandler's That's My Boy
is Milo Ventimiglia hopping around in his skivvies. And thanks to us, now you don't have to see it.
8. Mark Whalberg
used to seeing Marky Mark's funky bunch from his Calvin Klein
days, but here he is looking much bigger, in every sense, for his film upcoming film Pain and Gain.
7. Andrew Garfield as Spiderman
Believe it or not, Andrew Garfield and the costume designers tried hard
to make sure his naughty bits weren't the main focus when he put on the Spidey suit. That's kind of a shame, but at least they didn't go 100% 'Ken Doll' with it. He gets a big bump up from Cavill's Superman because that looks like the real thing and supposedly he really was butt booty naked under his suit. (Side note: he apparently laughed and blushed
when asked about this which only makes us like him more.)
6. Shemar Moore
Shemar Moore, known for his role on the procedural drama Criminal Minds
, apparently loves going to Miami and romping in his bathing suit
. To quote Emma Stone's character in Crazy, Stupid, Love.
: "F***! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped!"
Confession: we didn't know who Olly Murs was before a few weeks ago. He's big in the UK -- he has several No. 1 hits -- but seems to be widely known
packing trouser heat. When asked about his bulge, he straight up told SugarScape
that it's 13cm long (or just above 5"). We dig the honesty.
4. Zac Efron
The Paperboy was by all accounts a very strange movie. Zac Efron,
who hadn't really managed to shake his "buttoned-up tweeny Disney star" aura, strays from that squeaky
clean image in a big way. Oh, and
did we mention that he spends a whole lot of the movie in various states
3. Everyone in Magic Mike Magic Mike
was absolutely this year's go-to movie for watching scantily clad men wiggle their barely-covered junk. The Times
even lauded it
for turning the tables and celebrating the female gaze. So behold: Matthew McConaughey, Channing Tatum, Alex Pettyfer and Matt Bomer.
2. Jon Hamm
The one, the only. Jon Hamm isn't
the only one who made the bulge high profile in 2012, but we would
argue that he did more for it than any single person. The different
situations in which he 'accidentally' bared all -- in suits on the red
carpet, casually hanging around NYC -- and the sheer number of times
(about a million) that we saw Jon's pants ham mean two things: that he needs more supportive underwear and he ran out of fucks to give. Gold stars all around.
1. Everyone in the Olympics
In our humble opinion, the Olympics has to take the cake for #1 groin-watching-influencer in 2012. The swimmers and divers just standing around (case-in-point, Ryan Lochte and Tom Daley), the entire French Olympic swimming team
posing for an underwear ad, the debated maybe-erection
of US rower Henrik Hummel
, the sexting trysts of US gymast Danell Leyva
, and the general strut of Swedish decathlon runner BjÃ¶rn Barrefors
are just the tip of the penis-shaped iceberg. More than any event, the Olympics gave us ample bulge to gawk at, and made male package skyrocket to the front and center of the airwaves and our general peen-obsessed consciousness.