We at PAPER love to keep track of the junk in celebrity trunks so you don't have to. While 2012 may have been the year of the bulge, 2013 was the year of politicians and celebrities alike feeling the power of the dick pic, whether intentionally or accidentally. We've been keeping a list and checking it twice and now, for your edification, we present the top ten dick pics of 2013.
First, the runners up:
12. Geraldo Rivera: There's no peen in this picture, which is why the talk show host-cum-Fox News contributor couldn't be considered for the official list, but his nearly nude twitter selfie cost him a job and caused the entire Internet -- us included -- to barf in our mouths for a day. Rivera has a great body for a 70-year-old and kudos to him for keeping healthy, but still -- not what we want to see first thing on a Monday morning.
11. Justin Bieber: Remember when the Biebs decided to pull a very, very bizarre prank wherein he took off all his clothes, slung his guitar on, and went downstairs to serenade his grandmother in the nude? He may not have been showing off his wang, but given all his crazy/sexxxy exploits lately, we wouldn't be surprised if a slew of Bieber dick pics were to hit the internet very, very soon. In the meantime, these will have to do.
And now onto the real thing:
10. Andrew Zollner: A pole vaulter at the University of Illinois who's represented the US in the Olympics, Andrew Zollner's leaked nudes are mostly notable for the, uh, impressive size of his pole. NSFW version here.
9. Sisqo: If you've ever wanted to see the "Thong Song" guy out of his thong, 2013 was your year. The shots show an alleged Sisqo (whose tattoos match up) in and out of his underwear, shakin that thang like who's da ish. NSFW version here.
8. Scott Evans: The younger brother of Chris Evans, Scott Evans barely registered with us when we first heard of him though we soon learned that the hunky actor has been on Law and Order, One Life to Live and White Collar. Apparently the man also loves to take fully naked selfies with an iPad! Click for NSFW image.
7. Richard Barnes: Unfortunately, Richard Barnes' dick pics were a mishap and a mishap that could happen to just about anyone. The ex-Deputy Mayor of London -- who, by the way, is gay -- didn't realize that his iPhone was automatically posting the naughty pictures he took directly to Facebook. We hope that that never happens to us, but hey, it's good to have a daddy type on the list! Click for NSFW image.
6. Lil Romeo: We must admit that we feel a little creepy putting the 24-year-old Lil Romeo in this roundup because we still sort of think of him as a kid. But the rapper/actor/USC basketball player -- who now goes by Romeo Miller -- did indeed take some full frontal shots with his iPhone and he's definitely looking all grown up. Click for NSFW image.
5. Diplo: Who the hell knows what happened with Diplo's dick pic? It's far and away the weirdest, least sexy picture on this list. While partying in Rome, the mega-producer tweeted out a picture of his junk while seated on a toilet and pissing, with the caption "Here's a pic of my dick It's blurry tho." He then went on to Tweet about his girth and length but later denied that any of it was actually him. We want to believe him, but we've also partied hard in Rome and well...anything is possible. Click for NSFW image.
4. Method Man: The Wu-Tang Clan rapper allegedly took a few dirty shots in front of a mirror for a lady friend and apparently the telling sign of their authenticity is that, like Sisqo's pic, the tattoos match up almost perfectly with his real ones. No worries though, Method Man! At least you're pretty, er, high up on our list. Click for NSFW image.
3. Josh Hutcherson: Okay, so this one is also a liiittle suspect. According to various sources around the interwebs, Hutcherson used to frequent an online hook-up site under the name "Connor," posting dick pics and videos and everything else you can think of. There's no knowing whether this is true -- all anyone has to go by are pretty closely matching tattoos and Hutcherson has never commented on it -- but it certainly makes watching The Hunger Games that much more interesting. Click for NSFW image.
2. Cheyenne Jackson: Hunky and previously-wholesome Broadway actor Cheyenne Jackson has being going off the rails a bit lately, breaking up with his longtime husband, getting a slew of tattoos and allegedly dating a much younger man. The absolute height of his bad streak is probably his masturbation video, which Fleshbot got a hold of a few months ago and is very, very NSFW. Screenshot, above. Click for NSFW image.
1. Anthony Weiner: We all know Anthony Weiner's long, troubled history with sexting and we've all seen his wiener in droves. While we hate to draw any more publicity to the narcissistic ex-mayoral candidate's inability to stop sending crotch shots to ladies who aren't his wife, Weiner dominated the dick pic dialogue in 2013. So it's with a heavy heart that we crown Carlos Danger the #1 dick with a dick pic of 2013. Click for NSFW image.