The Five People We Can't Escape at Coachella: An Illustrated Guide

by Eli Yudin
The music festival has only just started and already there's people we desperately want to avoid.


If you were wondering why you were having so much trouble finding drugs, the reason is that this guy already took them all. Moderation might as well be Sanskrit to this explorer of substances. You'll usually find them either lying around between one tent and the other, or desperately trying to pass off "complete support of non-functional legs via upright structures" as "casual lean." If you find them within 30 minutes of their formation, they'll probably have an exasperated friend or S.O. sitting next to them, but after that time period, they're going to go catch Duck Sauce, because anyways, they ALWAYS do this.


Well, this is nothing more than a random, attractive celebrity, simply taking in the sights and sounds of the Coachella Music Festival. She's just here to have fun! Fun like taking Instagrams with the 1000 megapixel MotionPro camera on her Samsung™ Nebula G4, until she gets a little hungry, at which point she'll enjoy a few of McDonald's new Beef Spheres™ with their famous fries. And a music festival wouldn't be complete without new Budweiser Riot™ Ultra-Light Ale.


They're somewhere between 40-95 years old, by your estimation. But somehow, they're also in better shape and have better hair than you. You'll catch them lounging on a well-worn blanket they picked up on their travels through India, smoking a giant, seventies, "listening to Fog Hat" style joint. However, be careful in conversation, as it seems it will always get around to how their sexual relationship is just as fiery as ever. In extreme cases, the man may be the kind of guy who refers to his penis as a "lingam," and ask if you've read the Kama Sutra.


Most likely found milling around after A$AP Ferg's set, so that they can try to give him some graphic tees from their new streetwear line. When two encounter each other, you may see them circling each other in a detailed greeting ritual, evaluating the competitor's "fit." He flipped a coin with his best friend to see who got to go to Coachella, and who had to sleep outside of Supreme in order to cop the new Foamposites. Secretly wishes he knew what lean tastes like.


Someone too preoccupied with what everyone else is doing and wearing to enjoy the festival. Basically, me.

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