Thanksgiving Week is upon us.
Aside from emotionally preparing yourself for the warm Merlot you'll be drinking on that train ride home to you parents after work on Wednesday night or the devastation you'll feel in line at the airport Au Bon Pain, the most important thing for you to be focusing your mental energy on is thinking of places to hide from your family this week.
Of course, it's good to be present around your family during holidays -- physically and spiritually -- but vacating yourself from this earthly realm at least once (or five times) during the four or five days you're tied to your kin is absolutely vital. Don't think of it as hiding; think of it as pressing pause on the glass-in-a-blender effect a week with your family can (momentarily) cause.
But to make things easy, I'll call it hiding.
Here are 10 perfect places to hide from your family during Thanksgiving.
1. Your room.
Don't worry about it being basic bitch 101 to seek sanctuary in your childhood bedroom -- there's nothing wrong with hiding under your comforter while drafting a text you'll never send or liking a friend's Instagram of them with their toddler niece as your mom calls up to you from downstairs. You reply to her "Yeah," even though you can't understand what she's saying.
2. A walk outside with your pet.
To find the perfect excuse to go outside to dramatically sigh or smoke a cig, get your dog (or cat), on a leash, and take 'em around the block. Even if you don't have a pet, this still applies.
3. Furnished basement.
If you're lucky enough to have a furnished basement with a giant television and a large wrap-around couch, you can make it a bonafide catacomb of seclusion -- your face lit by the gray glow of the TV screen as you watch an episode of The Nanny in the dark...at least until your dad wanders in wearing only his underwear to check the football scores.
4. Unfurnished basement.
No carpet? No problem! Damp cement floors? Fuck yeah! Don't bother turning those lights on, either. Just go on down and Blair Witch it in the corner for a few.
5. "The 7-Eleven"
Just say you're going to the 7-Eleven real quick but actually take the time to drive around the neighborhood and scream. Yep.
6. On the road alongside a moving vehicle.
Tumble out of a moving vehicle onto the street (preferably a residential road)...if you're not behind the steering wheel, it might be your only hope.
7. Air vent.
A great ego boost is to try to fit into the same one you used in high school.
8. A birdbath in your parents' backyard.
It's deeper than you think!
9. A pile of laundry.
Contort your body to match the "flow" of the laundry pile, and remain as still as you can in whatever position that is. It works! Trust me.
10. Behind a relative at the dinner table.
Pick a broad shouldered sibling or aunt mid-way through the meal, and simply squat behind them for a breather. Hopefully, with the right angle, you can pull it off -- even if it's for a second. That, or your family be too confused to say anything slash pretend like it's not happening. Just as good!
Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!