Real Housewives Recap: Waxed Wieners, Waxed Tweeters

by Eli Yudin & Carey O'Donnell
Carey: The Sisters Richards decide it's about that time to go Brazil. They head over to one of the countless, 'specialized' salons in Los Angeles to get Brazilian waxes on their down bellows. I kept thinking, 'Isn't Kyle always getting her vagina waxed?' I know I'm wrong, but I feel like every season there has been a little vignette where Kyle is spread eagle on her back, getting waxed and yelling things like "Ah!" "Eeek!" "Oo!" "Ah!" with that "Please pay attention to me" silly-face Kyle makes when she wants people to pay attention to her. That's not important, though. Kim and Kyle then start exchanging goofy names for their woman parts, including "TWEETER." "You're gonna bedazzle your Tweeter!" Kim yells. It's always fun to re-realize that Kim does in fact have sexuality. She calls Kyle's pre-waxed crotch an "Oak forest" and makes other strange, hilarious allusions and metaphors to her non-existent sex-life. Then they chase each other around the room with waxing devices reminiscent to dildos, and everyone laughs and laughs and laughs. It actually is genuinely fun to see Kyle and Kim be playful together. I wonder how much longer it will be till we get a Richards sisters spinoff: "Fairweather Family Values".

Eli: One of the most important things to learn here is that Kim, for some reason, calls her vagina her "wiener," which is, well, wrong.  But in all honestly, it's kind of hilarious.  Not in the sad, unintentional way that's the modus operandi of Real Housewives, but in a genuinely humorous way. Do you, Kim. Tell your sister you want to get your wiener waxed while your daughter gets a manicure and desperately scans the room for vents to escape through
Carey: At this point in my life, I have seen some things that I truly wish I could un-see. Like, gather all of those moments and put them into a giant black trash bag, light it on fire till nothing remains but ashes, which are then put into an urn, and into a box that I'd attach to weight and sink in a manmade lake. Watching Carlton drunk pole dancing is one of those moments I'll never get back. Carlton drank some tequila before joining her play friend Brandi at a pole dancing class. She arrives with sweaty disheveled hair, a black lace shirt, and black booty shorts. It was truly remarkable to see someone drunker than Brandi for once. Brandi just giggles as Carlton strips to her underwear and dry humps another woman in the class from behind, who politely laughs while gripping the pole in front of her. After a minute or so of this groping, Carlton says, "I'll go on mah pole now" in a Cockney accent and flails around the pole s'more. The most terrifying moment was a shot of Carlton pressing her tongue on the pole while circling it with wide eyes. It felt like I was watching a Goya painting.

Eli: We get to see Carlton drunk. Real drunk. And just our luck, it's at her pole-dancing class with Brandi. She totters in with a woman who the chyron explains is her friend, but almost seems like someone off the street who just started holding Carlton upright.  Carlton enters the class with all the poise of a drunken sailor of the tail end of a long day's pillaging.  The instructor has a look on her face that says, "Same shit as ALWAYS," as I'm sure she's dealt with a wealth of giggling drunken Los Angeles harpies.  As Carey mentioned, she LICKS THE STRIPPER POLE.  That's one of those things that you just never do.  Even the most hardened, world-weary horndog sitting at the rack Wednesday afternoon at Pumps would do a little dry-heave off that.

Eli: The whole time she's there, Carlton, in her confessionals, won't stop talking about how she's "not a prude," and thinks the female body is "a work of art."  All this sort of stuff she says still just feeds into my idea of her as someone who's determined that everyone "can't handle her" when, in fact, literally no one cares.  She's like a college student who just found out about Darfur, and now she's set up a folding table on campus with pictures of murdered children, screaming at passersby about "INJUSTICE."  We get it, lady.  We're all onboard.

Carey: Kim throws a "Coachella" themed graduation party for her youngest daughter, Kimberly, which was always meant to be a fever dream from its conception. Kim's house does look great, though, and it was very nice watching her be organized and in control of something. Of course, the guests are encouraged to dress in "Coachella chic" aka Vanessa Hudgens rolling on Molly in a $3,000 white gown and floral head wrap. Joyce arrives looking like the woman on the Sunmaid raisin box. Carlton and Brandi show up and head right to the Fatburger truck parked outside the party. The Sisters Richards LOOOOVE their Fatburger!!! Carlton is still shitfaced, and Brandi complains about a guy sending her an unwarranted dick pic. Oh, you know!!!! The two sit on Kim's front steps to eat the cheeseburgers in an attempt to sober up before a party at a recovering alcoholic's house. Nice. Inside, Carlton continues her streak with a beeline to the bartender, asking him to sneak her some booze in her virgin pina colada. Gross, garbage monster. Brandi is suddenly struck with "nausea" brought on by her motion sickness from pole dancing, and the giant burger outside, and goes and voms in the bathroom for a while. Carlton sort of mills around outside the door with half-opened eyes. Kyle is NOT pleased with the wasted Brit-witch in her sober sister's house, and the two skeleton-wind chimes gather their things and peace out before the party is even halfway over.

Eli: Joyce does look ridiculous.  I'm all for dressing up for parties, but once you get to the point where you have half a rose bush stacked on top of your head, yeah, you probably are looking for a little attention. "Oh these?" Joyce giggles, "I just tripped on my way here and fell into a ditch, and wouldn't you know it, they just fastened themselves in like that!  Que curioso! Jajajaajajajaja!"  Don't be the couple that makes their prom outfits out of duct tape.

Carey: During her speech about her daughter, why did Kim thank Kimberly for choosing Kim to be her mom??? "Thank you for choosing me to be your mom," Kim says. Kim's hot ex/Kimberly's baby daddy was there for the party, so we know Kimberly is HER daughter. At first I thought it was some cute little thing about Kimberly being an angel before she was born and choosing Kim from that. Alas, this is Kim. Maybe one day while Kimberly was in her car seat as a baby, Kim coyly looked in the rear-view mirror a few times and asked in her raspy voice, "Kimberly....can I be your Mom?" and Kimberly was just like, "Ya" and clapped.

Eli: Later on, we're treated to an episode of Law and Order: Missouri while Kim accosts Lisa for not coming to her daughter's party.  Am I the only one who doesn't really get the big deal?  Who cares if she came to the party?  There were plenty of people there, I doubt Kimberly cares if Lisa's there, since she's probably just making fun of the housewives with her friends the whole time.  If I had just gotten off a flight from Missouri, and someone told me, "Time to go to a Coachella themed graduation party with no alcohol," I would, rightfully, have told that person to go fuck themselves.

Carey: Kim was pretty much the MVP of this episode. We got to hear one of her best lines when she called Lisa out at Lisa's charity "dress drive" for missing Kimberly's graduation party. Lisa and Ken and Giggy had apparently been in Missouri that weekend for a benefit that helps children with alopecia....OK. I'm guessing Lisa feels a connection to children with alopecia because her dog has it. OK...OK. Anyway, Kim walks in to Lisa's backyard and immediately calls her out. Lisa explains her excuse, and Kim responds with, "My hairdresser saw you at Sur," and says that about 15 more times. You can always tell when Lisa is busted for something; her eyes widen and she gets that defensive, victim-tone, and Ken moves in on the attack to defend her. He says some awful thing to Kim, like, "Well you missed a lot of stuff, too," referring to her not-so sober days. Kim, rightfully, is hurt and tells Lisa's cupcake lackey that he is wrong to say that. GOOD FOR YOU, KIIIIIM! Kim, Kim, Kim. I didn't' even care about Joyce and Brandi "talking things out", or Lisa being afraid that Kyle's dog Roxy would eat Giggy--this dress drive was about KIIIIIIIM.

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