"Prrrto Rrrrico": Ten Thoughts On This Week's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

by Carey O'Donnell and Eli Yudin
1. Carey: The ladies enjoy the final few days of their Puerto Rican adventure, sans Lisa, who fled back to California with Ken before sunrise like two murderers on the run. "I didn't care if I had to woooolk back to bloody LA," Lisa says. Oh well! That's just what people who pretend to be British do! They leave luxurious resorts in Puerto Rico at 4 in the morning and fly back home, 3,000+ miles away without telling their friends! I wish the women had broken out in a musical number, entitled "That's Just What People Who Pretend to be British Do!" It ends with the Sisters Richards each standing on the shoulders of Yolanda and Brandi while Joyce sits off to the side, not included, but clapping and smiling anyway. Back home, Charlatan Vanderpump aligns herself with the Grand High Witch herself, Carlton. Ohhhhhhhh, of course. "Thehhhhaaaaa sooooo mean!" Lisa whines in her horrible, raspy, (now confirmed) smoker's voice. "They're like sharks, swarming around the blood of the wounded," Carlton says back. You can tell Lisa is like, "Oh, shit, the only one on my team is this loon." Sorry!!!! Gotta take what you can get, Pumpy-Pump! Carlton tries to cheer Lisa up by saying, "Lisa, you have an amazing, thriving business in Beverly Hills." Good. Great. I'm going to add that to the top of my resume: "I have an amazing, thriving business in Beverly Hills."

2. Carey: With the Vander-frauds gone, a sigh of relief spreads over the vacationing ladies, and Joyce takes the women on a tour of "her" Puerto Rico, as she says. "Thank you for coming to my beautiful Prrrrrrrrrrrto Rrrrrrrico," Joyce says. "I want everyone in the world to love my beautiful Prrrrrrrrrto Rrrrrrico as much as I do," she adds. They don't too much legitimate sight-seeing -- they just want to hop over poles and into public fountains. They get off a huge bus and some random guy hands them an iguana with a wig on. Yolanda of course feels perfectly comfortable letting a lizard with talons latch on to her. "Yes, beast, hello!" She whispers. "We have the same blood! Ha!" She goes onto the bus and shoves it in everyone's faces; Kyle, of course, is super over-the-top  about how scared she is, but NOT KIM. NOT MY GIRL, KIM. Kim embraces the iggy like it's her own. When no one was looking, Kim shoved it into her bag. On their last night in Puerto Rico, Kim brought it out of her bag and sat with it in bed. "You're gonna be my daughter now," she says, staring into the lizard's beady eyes. "You're gonna be my daughter and your name is gonna be Karen and you're never gonna leave me, ya hear me? Never."

3. Eli: We're going to defend Kyle's reaction to the iguana: the others hadn't seen what she'd seen. She'd looked directly into the eyes of the iguana, and had seen only an immeasurable distance. Time seemed to slow down around her as she began to move deeper and deeper into the iguana's eyes, until she sees a circle of hooded figures standing around a large rock, but the moment before she could see who or what was on the rock, she felt almost as if she was forced out of the iguana's eyes and back into her own mind. The iguana waddled away into an obscured area. Minutes later, Carlton walked out, picking bits of scaly skin from her body.

4. Eli: One of the interstitial shots finally shows something that I've personally been waiting for since I started watching the show:  PEOPLE ON SEGWAYS.  Why Segways aren't an integral part of the show right now, I cannot understand.  Any scene that's happening, could be happening on Segways, and should be happening on segways.  If they ever decide to do a remake of the whole series, with the exact same dialogue, with the only change being that everyone is on a Segway, you know what my DVR will be up to.  ESPECIALLY if they wear helmets.

5. Carey: Looooooved the parallel of Kim and Yolanda moving their respective daughters into college. Kim's youngest, Kimberly, settles into a normal, standard, jail-cell freshman dorm room at some normal, standard college an hour and a half away in Cali, while Yolanda's precious pastry Gigi moves into a sprawling, white, sparkling apartment in Manhattan, most likely funded by papa Mohamed. "I didn't want Gigi to live in a dorm because I want her to be living in a more grown up, work setting," Yolanda explains of her model daughter. Translation: "I didn't want my daughter living with poor people." Kim and her hunky ex-husband (seriously, WHO IS THIS GUY????) move their little cherub into the crappy little dorm room with way too many bed covers and shit just like any normal parents moving their embarrassed teenager into college does. Kim cries and rambles in her strange, husky whisper about how much Kimberly means to her and it's genuine and awkward and sweet. Yolanda blubbers to Gigi before she leaves NYC; Gigi clearly watched 'til Yolanda's limo was out of sight from her upstairs balcony and lit up a cig, looking out at the endless valley of skyscrapers and feeling absolutely nothing.

6. Eli: Thanks to Kim, Kimberly could run a mattress cover black market over at UC San Diego. "I just want you to be comfortable," Kim sobs, while swaddling Kimberly in more and more blankets, until she looks like a giant egg. We're so used to seeing such nice places on this show that when they cut suddenly to a dorm room, it's sort of shocking to see regular living space, with cheap carpeting and fake wood. I'm just sad we don't get to see who her roommate is.

7. Carey: Brandi brings her v. bohemian, v. modest parents from Sacramento to Yolanda and David's lemon temple. "My dad is very intimidated by money," Brandi explains, "but I think he'll relax once he sees how down to earth Yolanda and David are." Hahahahaha, Brandi. Hahahahahaha. Ok. Brandi, Yo-Yo, and Mr. and Mrs. Glanville walk in on David while he is composing in his obnoxious office. He looks absolutely void of interest in playing host, but pretends to be friendly and gives Mrs. Glanville a double cheek kiss, which she looks entirely uncomfortable to be receiving. Love her! Then Brandi's assistant shows up in a car that Brandi bought for her parents. A HONDA! Brandi bought her parents a Honda, and wants to give them it at the Foster's palatial estate to show them that she's rich too! A Honda baby!!! Her parents are literally like, "Oh, thanks," and drive off without even hanging around for celebratory "My kind of successful daughter just bought me a new (?) Honda" drinks. Poor Brandi!

8. Eli: Carey mentions the double cheek kiss, which I thought was hilarious because, in my head, it's the preferred greeting of the American snob or run-of-the-mill European. If it's customary in your country, go for it! Who am I to play goalie with your traditions. However, I pretty much know for a fact that it is not a Canadian tradition, DAVID FOSTER. Be true to your own culture, Dave, by giving them a good-natured, light headbutt while handing them a cup of piping hot Tim Horton's coffee. Every time someone does a double cheek kiss to me it feels less like a greeting and more like a very brief boxing match fought with lips.

9. Carey: When Kim admits, "I'm concerned about myself when Kimberly leaves for college" EVERYONE SHOULD BE CONCERNED. What the fuck???? She's basically like, "Hey guys! I am a barely recovering addict who's going to be alone in a weird house in the middle of a crater with only my annoying dog as company! HEYYYYYY!" Kim should be on 24/7 Kim Watch. I want three patrol cars in front of her house at all times and a live-in chakra cleanser.

10. Eli: By the way, this scene where Kyle and her friend watch their assorted children get their ears pierced was almost unwatchable.  First, we see the youngest girl getting hers pierced, which is terrible to watch because I'm not in the habit of watching little children cry.  Then, one of her elder daughters gets her ear pierced, which is a generous description given that she basically screeches for 20 minutes while flipping around like a rainbow trout in the bottom of a canoe.  I've never had my ears pierced, but I assume it's not fatal, so I think you can calm down.

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