Our 15 Super-Scientific, Super-Important Oscars Predictions

by Paper
We've spent weeks enduring endless "mani cams" and half-baked arguments on Twitter this awards season and now the payoff is finally here: Hollywood's Big Kahuna, the Oscars.  Ahead of the awards show this Sunday, we've calculated some super-scientific predictions on the night's outcomes. Read on.

Most Likely To Mention Food/How Hungry She Is On The Red Carpet: Jennifer Lawrence

Number of Celebrity Photo-Bombs and Selfies Taken on the Red Carpet: ~178

Host Who Will Just Not Be Mean Enough: Ellen DeGeneres

Nominee Who Will Most Likely Be Caught On Camera Giving Off Some Side-Eye When She Loses: Judi Dench -- sorry, Dame Judi Dench

Person That Everyone Will Imagine Naked Whenever the Camera Pans to Him: Michael Fassbender

Moment You First Realize That the Oscars Are a "Makes-No-Sense Shit-Show": When Pink performs

Most Likely to Take a Couples' Photo in the Vanity Fair After Party Photobooth: Jonah Hill's Wolf of Wall Street dentures and newly hot-on-the-market John Mayer

Upset that Would Break Twitter: We'll all see the 'Fail Whale' if Lupita Nyong'o loses to Jennifer Lawrence. We love you JLaw but sometimes you have to let another kid on the swing set.

Person Who Will Have a "Fuck This" Think Balloon Over Her Head All Night: Julia Roberts

Person Who Will Have an Even Bigger "Fuck This" Think Balloon Over His Head All Night: Christian Bale

Coolest Person Who Will Wear Sunglasses Inside All Night Long That Is Not Jack Nicholson: Bradley Cooper's mom, Gloria Compano

Movie You Probably Will -- But Must Not -- Forget Is Nominated for an Oscar: Bad Grandpa

Song That Will 100% Get Spoofed During the Awards...and a Spoof Probably Starring Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg: "Let It Go" from Frozen

Person You'll Keep Forgetting Was Nominated This Year: Tom Hanks

Minutes the Awards Will Run Long: 26

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