Every four years, the world comes together for two weeks to celebrate the otherworldly abilities and drive of the most athletic human beings on the planet. It's also a chance to see some of the finest specimens of humanity the globe can offer, operating at peak physical capability. The Summer Olympics, with their tiny bathing suits, clinging spandex, and yards of bared skin, are prime time to fawn, ogle, and lust over the superhumanly fit men competing. This year, we've rounded up 40 of the sexist athletes and pitted them against each other in a battle for the gold medal for Sexiest Male Olympian. Voting closes tonight--the poll is below, and all the FINE evidence of these sexy olympians is below for your viewing pleasure. May the hottest thotty body win.
The "Duh" Bracket
They know they're hot. You know they're hot. They're overwhelmingly swimmers. Go ahead and ogle--you know you want to.
If he's this hot on land, imagine him wet.
Perhaps there is something about black and white portraiture that really points up how ripped your torso is?
As if abs weren't enough, he also has a really cute dog.
Yes, Tom Daley. We know.
Ning Zetao, China, swimming
Just drying off. Don't mind my penetrating gaze.
The Douchebags Bracket
Your sailors. Your water polo players. The men who's souls wear navy blazers and boat shoes unironically. Are they actually nice on the inside? Who knows and who cares? We just want to sit on their incredibly chiseled faces.
Rhys Howden, Australia, water polo
When you can wear seersucker and we still want to have sex with you, you're doing something very right, or very wrong.
Our good sense is screaming "HELL NO" but our bodies say "America, FUCK YEAH."
This Canadian diver is giving his best Blue Steel and has his own lifestyle website called mr-max.com. That's all we're going to say about this.
This man's jawline and gold-medal confidence (on the left) would scream "hedge fund manager whose wife makes him shower after Scores" in a different life.
The Ur-Olympic Sex Idiot. Jeah!
Bad Boy Bracket
Tattoos, renegades, secret girlfriends, secret DJ alter egos: These are the deliciously dangerous dudes who always know where Olympic Village after hours are.
The triple-jumper representing Guyana is a world record holder and makes house and footwork tracks under DJ names Good Junk and allblack.
The " bad boy of judo" got interested in the sport after fighting over Pokemon cards (awww!).
Lacourt has the floppy hair and tattoos of every guy you wish were hooking up with at Union Pool at 3 A.M. (but really you're just eating guac in the corner crying).
Sun Yang, China, swimming
This sentient Raya profile rocks tats, rides motorcycles, and makes a lawn game look bad ass. #weardenimeveryday
Look, we all know swimmers are hot--they've got great abs and they strut around in tiny Speedos. But you know who's really fire? It's fencers. Full-coverage white bodysuited, feature-erasing-mask wearing fencers.
Frankly, we could have done an entire bracket dedicated to hot Italian fencers. But we restrained ourselves.
We would cross swords with him any day.
If Botticelli painted a portrait of Sufjan Stevens, this is what you'd get. Ciao, Giorgio!
Kim Jung-Hwan, South Korea
Hot Fencer Of The Day: Junghwan Kim, Korea, Men's Sabre. #HotFencerOfTheDay @SydneySabre pic.twitter.com/0xsNNfsFHk
— HotFencerOfTheDay (@HotFencer) June 29, 2014
It's a shame the fencer's wire mask has to cover up such beautiful bone structure.
That one sweaty tendril!
Welcome to the gun show.
It's all love and love all (see what we did there!) with Rafa.
Danell Leyva, USA, gymnastics
Leyva might also be in competition for "wokest" athlete, saying of his fellow lady gymnasts: "It's just so powerful to see women like that get praised the way that they do. That could just be the feminist in me, though."
The cutest baby. We just want to put him in our pocket.
New rule: He can only wear tank tops.
Speak French to us.
The finest gams from across the globe.
Daddy long legs! And one of the fastest men in the world.
Those thighs, tho.
Ashton Eaton, USA, track and field
There was surprise visit from @YolandaHFoster on set for our August cover shoot with @GiGiHadid and @AshtonJEaton: https://t.co/A6wvZQch7p
— Vogue Magazine (@voguemagazine) July 14, 2016
He's a decathlete, which means there are ten different events to watch him stretch, flex, and impress.
More fly thighs.
Neymar's legs are a Brazilian national treasure.
Just straight adorable.
Lee Dae-Hoon, South Korea, taekwondo
มีใครแอดfacebook แดฮุนไปบ้างแล้วคะ เป็นไงบ้าง แดฮุนรับไม่รับ หรือได้แค่ติดตาม รายงานด้วยค่าา~ ^^ pic.twitter.com/cksfdPtDPQ
— LEE DAE HOON FANCLUB (@Leedaehoon_Fc) October 3, 2014
Your best friend's cute little brother vibes.
Eyebrows Cara Delevingne would be jealous of.
We just want to pinch his cheeks (both pairs).
He's never seen shoes before! Adorable! Almost makes us forget handball is not a real sport.
Bassem Hassan Mohammed, Qatar, equestrian
Everyone makes passes at horsemen in glasses.
Phelps is already well on his way to training his son in the ways of swimming and social media presence.
The tiny Irish flyweight (we'll let you make your own leprechaun jokes) has an adorable daughter who's almost as big as him.
That's one chill baby. (And one hot dad.)
You've seen the entrants. You've stalked their Instas and lusted over their Twitters--now it's time to cast your votes. Who is the hottest person in each bracket? Vote below!