Trouble with love? Work problems? Mercury retrograde? Don't worry. Rapper, author and expert astrological navigator, Kool A.D. will safely guide you through the coming month.


VIRGO

Time is an illusion. Einstein said that. Einstein is an illusion too. Meditate on the illusory nature of existence. Consider becoming a Leo or even a Cancer. Go back and read all the Leo and Cancer horoscopes and apply them to urself. Take a selfie in front of a lake. Drink bourbon, read the Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie. Place a fatwa on the head of ur sense of inhibition and execute it in the name of Allah.

LIBRA

Sleep more, eat less, drink clean distilled, purified water, have less sugar, breathe rarified air whenever possible. Use metaphors. Eat the moon, let the leaves of the trees lick ur face like a dog. Similes are metaphors, anybody trying to nitpick the difference need to chill. There is no such thing as correct spelling, language is a workhorse, language is a ho. Look at the sky, how does the sky fit in the eye? An age old question, the answer is within u. Swimming, walking, less TV. This is a cleanse before ur upcoming born day. Wild out on ur born day, get drunk, get high, eat cake.

SCORPIO

Two words: TOTAL RELEVANCE

SAGITTARIUS

Eat two beef tacos. Go see a movie. Get a shot and a beer at a bar. Go see a band. Go to the horse races. Hit the casino play some black jack or dice or whatever. Write a novel. Make a beautiful oil painting. Climb a mountain. Do a Ollie.

CAPRICORN

Real hip-hop and u don't stop a rockin to the bang to the boogity bee well I'm cold leroy with the cool advice I got the alameda tiger sharks riding they bikes with the ice cream tat like I'm GUCCI bruh I'm McDonald's mane boys don't cry AMERIGO VASPUCCI. Sushi. Ur style is impeccable but u must learn to incorporate the crane and scorpion techniques. Drink some mezcal.

AQUARIUS

Invent the wheel. U are ur own drone. All reality is virtual. The virtual is the real. The earth is neither flat nor round, the earth is a mere vibration. Flux, the real infinite everything. Radiant truth. Cry the joy into ur own consciousness. We're all one.

PISCES

Maintain that slick attitude, lean on ur cynical natures, understand refinement comes from restraint usually or like probably usually. Language is a slick void. The hum of helicopters. The veiled and surveilled. Throw a burkini BBQ. Languish in ur splendors, various.

ARIES

Vote Stein / Baraka, vote legal weed. Front the kid a plate of OG Kush and a plate of Diesel. Buy a car, drive to wine country. Swim in a river. Forage for hallucinogenic mushrooms. Learn a 1 hour acoustic guitar set and tour the world.

TAURUS

It doesn't take much, and I mean that in the most general, nearly meaningless way possible. Filibuster ur way thru the month, everything is everything. Do some tai chi. Do an elaborate tea ceremony. Hit up a Buddhist temple. Buy a necklace.

GEMINI

Like Scorpio, the main two words this month are TOTAL RELEVANCE. Other key words: FAST CAR, SHIRAZ, WAR, ETC. Abandon war consciousness. Abandon what consciousness? Exactly.

CANCER

Sell a painting, give a painting away. Sell a house. Hit a casino, play roulette, bet on black. Eat a bagel and a donut. The yin and the yang. Visit China. The Great Wall. China had a woman president like 100 years before America, think about that.

LEO

Crash a wedding and a funeral in the same day. Catch a matinee. Do a Ollie. Free Leonard Peltier. Support the Standing Rock Sioux.

Watch "They Live!" Then watch a Zizek doc and a Derrida doc.