In Rememberance of Tinder Left Swipes
If you spent 2014 making horrendous dating mistakes but worried you weren't spending enough money while doing so, fear no more. According to Business Insider, Tinder is scheduled to release "Tinder Plus," a paid version of the wildly popular dating app that will grant its users access to premium features and, hopefully, better dates, next month.
New features are said to include "Passport," which will allow users who have already slept with everyone in their neighborhood to meet up with users outside of Tinder's preexisting geographical limitations, as well as the long-awaited ability to do undo a left swipe.
So when you're a little wine drunk, getting swipe-happy while watching ABC Family's twentieth showing of Maid In Manhattan this month and you decide that a "musician/energy healer" with a chinstrap and three roommates wouldn't be the worst thing that's ever happened to you, or when you're that guy with the chinstrap and, after swiping left on every girl in your area you've decided that maybe it's time to have a deep heart-to-heart with yourself about your place in the dating world, don't stress. Tinder Plus has finally found the cure for "The one who was swiped away."
Until next month, let's take a stroll down left-swipe lane and revisit some of the left swipes you probably shouldn't reconsider. We second-guess ourselves enough when it comes to love -- stick to your guns on these ones.
"The Ladies Man"
This guy is draped in a shawl of (seemingly willing) females in nearly every photo on his Tinder profile. This is a sly way to send the message that "yes, women want to be around me, and, no, I am not a serial killer." Falling for this trick is up to your discretion. Some of the women in these photos may have the look in their eyes that a bank teller has when they have a gun pointed to their back mid-robbery (a total "blink once for yes and twice for no" moment). The ones who don't are usually related to him. Next.
The Hot Person with the Dumb Jokes
Okay, I understand that we can't all be incredible wordsmiths when it comes to our Tinder bios, but this person is probably my #1 least fave. They're attractive, they seem fun, but they've got a bio filled with annoying and overused Tinder jokes they stole from someone else's profile, including "my grandparents met on Tinder," and, "6'3 in heels." Sometimes silence really is golden.
We've all seen this person. If it's a girl with zero goth tendencies, you'll get a a ton of bleary-eyed photos, some outdoor concert shots, and, in more egregious cases, a Bob Marley quote in her bio. If it's a guy, it's basically a product placement for Huf socks. Either way, it's boring, and unless you want to spend your date binge-eating Girl Scout cookies and talking about topics you should have grown out of after 11th grade (e.g. "society"), I'd suggest you stick with your left swipe capabilities. April 20th only happens once a year for a reason.
This person is in a league of their own. All signs pointed to a right swipe (no bad jokes, not seemingly a huge stoner) and you obliged, but you're only a few lines into texting and they've already mentioned their ex. I mean, if you're into crying after sex or having someone ignore you for weeks at a time only to contact you with "hey!" at midnight on a Tuesday, then by all means, go forth. I'm not here to judge you.
The Dog Whisperer
Animals are wonderful, but please, for the love of God, don't use a photo of your dog as your Tinder profile. Nobody wants to fuck your dog.
Kris Kidd is an author who lives in Los Angeles.