Although I don't consider myself an optimist, I have faith in change for 2010. And when I say change, I mean the MTV stimulus package that is the burnt orange heptarchy Jersey Shore. Rumors abound that the beloved bundle of pickle-suckling joy Snooki and the Ocean State's hottest DJ, Pauly D, are making bank and fetching as much as $10,000 per club appearance. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally grateful for all that this cast of seven (really nine if we count the girls, @jenniwoww) has given to our country in these troubled times. But as the show comes to an end on Thursday, we mustn't forget the fiery femme of episodes one through three: miss Angelina Pivarnick. That's right, ladies and gents, I am here to defend the self-proclaimed "Kim Kardashian of Staten Island" for her pivotal role in the show's early episodes.
Perhaps the most obvious thing that sets Jolie apart from her peers is her "all natural" look, and the woman will stop at nothing to stress her physical authenticity, from her luscious jet-black locks to her "nice, fat ass." Even in the face of a snide remark from The Situation regarding her fuller figure, our heroine strikes back: "Look at me," she dares her former hookup, like a verbal sucker punch to his fully-glossed mouth. Angelina is proud of who she is.
And although Ange might come off as a
natural seductress, she has her priorities straight and isn't about to whore it
up. The girl loves to have fun, but ultimately knows that [serial]
monogamy is safer and sexier than the potential excitement of a one-night
stand. Perhaps she herself stated it best, arguing that "girls who are whores
should be abused." Spoken like a true feminist! And a woman without a man is like a nice, juiced, hot, tanned fish without a bicycle, right Angelina?
If you're still unconvinced, allow me to use Angelina's own words to describe her time on the Jersey Shore: She "did like, you know, great things."