There isn't much we can depend on in our short, chaotic lives except for death, taxes and the occasional piece of absolutely bonkers lifestyle advice from Gwyneth Paltrow. Vaginal steamers! Vitamin sachets! Bees stinging your face! Where would we be without her wisdom?

In a Goop article entitled, "Better Sex: Jade Eggs For Your Yoni," team Goop talked with "beauty guru/healer/inspiration/friend " Shiva Rose about "the strictly guarded secret of Chinese royalty in antiquity" — $66 jade pussy eggs! "Queens and concubines used them to stay in shape for emperors," and, according to Goop, if you hold this semi-precious golf ball in your secret garden for SEVERAL HOURS, you can "[increase] chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general." Chi! Feminine energy in general! Sign me up, girl! If you want to be really extra with it, you can also turn the 'insertion of the egg' into a ritual like our beauty guru/healer/inspiration/friend Shiva Rose does:

When you first get your egg, boil it for a few minutes to make sure it's clean. It's your sacred space, so it's like making sure your feet are clean when you enter a temple. For me, it's not just about physical cleansing—you can put it out under the light of a full moon to cleanse or recharge it like a crystal, or you could burn sage—the egg does absorb energy, so really clearing it when you first get it is a great thing to do.
Before I insert an egg, I'll do a ritual: I place it on a beautiful piece of fabric, light a candle, maybe even burn some sage. For my ritual, I imagine pure light flowing between me and the egg.

Don't get me wrong, I am here for all your crystal vagcraft, but maybe the swift and unequivocal NO this article received from the gynecological community should give us pause. In a scathing blog post picked up by the Washington Post, California OB/GYN Jen Gunter says, "I read the post on GOOP and all I can tell you is it is the biggest load of garbage I have read on your site since vaginal steaming. It's even worse than claiming bras cause cancer."

She continues, noting that these eggs can cause bacterial vaginosis or Toxic Shock Syndrome:

"The claim that they can balance hormones, is quite simply, biologically impossible...As for female energy? I'm a gynecologist and I don't know what that is!?"

The eggs are currently sold out in the Goop store.


splash image: Benjamin Lozovsky/BFA