Game of Thrones: A Catch-Up Guide

Shannon O'Neill
Everyone with a television seems to have caught Game of Thrones fever, so to everyone who's new to the hottest show on TV right now, PAPERMAG has asked comedian Shannon O'Neill to compile a list of what you need to know to catch up on all the Game of Thrones action. 

If you're too lazy to watch Season 1 of Game of Thrones, here are some quick facts to catch you up on all the action. WARNING: SEASON 1 SPOILERS AHEAD!

View image full-size [via HauteSlides]

There are four families battling for power. The Starks, the Baratheons, the Lannisters and the Targaryens. You want the Starks to win; you feel bad for the Targaryens, especially since they have three baby-dragon mouths to feed; you'd settle for the
Baratheons; but the Lannisters are THE WORST. Fuck that family. You thought you hated the Kardashians? Get ready to find the Kardashians tolerable next to these incestuous buttheads.

2) Speaking of incest...Queen Cersei Baratheon (formerly Lannister) 100 percent loves doing it with her brother Jaime Lannister. King Joffrey is their son, yet King Joffrey has no idea that his uncle is also his father.

3) Tyrion Lannister (Played by Peter Dinklage) is the dwarf brother of Jamie and Queen Cersei. But he does not bed his siblings; he does bed about four to six pairs of breast an episode. Seriously, if you love naked boons on cable TV, you can thank Tyrion Lannister.

4) Daenerys Targaryen is the dragon princess with really milky breasts that you missed out on by skipping Season 1. Her husband sexually assaulted her until she fell in love with him and then he died, leaving her with three baby dragons and no food to feed them. There is no welfare system in this mythical world though, so she has to fend for herself while leading a group of men on a quest to reclaim the throne.  It feels a little like watching No Doubt on a comeback tour.

5) Lady Stark is the Hillary Clinton of this kingdom. She is strong, smart and secretly hilarious. It would be everyone's best interest just to put her in charge, but she knows she can still lead by advising men on what to do.  Unfortunately her husband Ned Stark was beheaded by the inbred King Joffrey. Have we mentioned that King Joffrey is the worst of the worst? If he was in a John Hughes film, he would be James Spader's bigger asshole of a brother.

6) Have you noticed the crippled boy being carried around in the Baby Bjorn yet? That's Bran Stark. Like any young boy he was climbing the walls of his house and accidentally saw Queen Cersei getting a royal thrust from her brother Jamie. So Jamie shoved Bran hoping he would fall to his death and take their secret to his grave. But he survived and has been granted a piggyback ride for life.

7) Sansa Stark is betrothed to King Joffrey. Rumor has it that their marriage is based on J.Lo and Marc Anthony's.

8) Arya Stark is on a Boys Don't Cry journey running away from the Lannisters trying to find her way back to the Stark House while disguised as a boy.

9) Direwolves have made their return after a 200-year absence, like the gang from American Pie. [GIF via tumblr]

Season 2 of Game of Thrones airs Sundays at 9 p.m. on HBO

Shannon O'Neill is an improviser at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and is performing with the Stepfathers tomorrow at 9 p.m. You can find her at @spotastic on Twitter.

Subscribe to Get More