If you want to punish your ears but reward your eyes, then check out a new music video brought to you by the same ungodly production factory that churned out Rebecca Black. "Chinese Food," a hot new single by a young singer named Alison Gold features the tween singing an ode to her favorite ethnic cuisine and doing the "Make It Rain" dance when she gets to the part about chow mein. Trigger warning for the part when Gold's panda friend turns out to be a dude in his '30s..  [via Death + Taxes]

Our eyeballs hurt. [via Afternoon Snooze Button]

Very helpful, very true. [via Knusprig Titten Hitler]
<br/><br/><div align="left">Here's the tiniest -- and cutest -- tae kwon do match you'll ever see. [via <a href="http://www.videogum.com/771312/just-the-tiniest-tae-kwon-do-match/cute-as-balls/">Videogum</a>]<br/><br/>PSA: The pizza cocktail exists. We're going to vom now. [via <a href="http://buzzfeed.tumblr.com/post/64026201040/the-pizza-cocktail-is-now-a-thing-so-if-you-need">Buzzfeed</a>]<br/></div></div><div><br/></div> <div style="text-align: center;"><br/><br/><script async="" src="//platform.vine.co/static/scripts/embed.js" charset="utf-8"/><div align="left">We haven't decided if this is better than <a href="http://www.papermag.com/2013/10/jay_z_impressions_vines.php">those Jay Z impressions</a>, but here's a comedian who does an uncanny impersonation of Morgan Freeman on Vine. [via <a href="http://laughingsquid.com/fantastic-impressions-of-morgan-freeman-by-comedian-josh-robert-thompson/">Laughing Squid</a>]<br/></div></div>